Day 20: Fear and Anxiety or "Dance Monkey Dance"

Maybe I am still wearing those rose-tinted glasses or maybe things are just fine for the moment. I feel a storm is coming soon. Just as one anxiety is lifted, so many others are setting in. Fears of this unknown HIV lifestyle looms, creating tension and worry.

I know I am lucky to have friends. I didn't have any friends at a few points in my life. After I started college and when I moved to San Diego I found myself at an immediate loss of people to hang out with. Over time high quality friendships develop and now I have a chain of people I can place faith that I won't be dropped.

Wealth is determined by happiness and at the moment I am rich from smiles.


Fear is still here.

I know one day I will be hurt far worse then a few things I have seen or felt. I refuse to dance like a monkey but it's very hard to choose who we tell and who we can feel comfortable around us. People are sympathetic, empathetic or pathetic. Do we continue to dance in fear that the entertainment will stop and our smelly monkey butts will be exposed?

Many people fear HIV will and can ruin their lives. Jobs shattered, communities shooting off snide remarks and rude behavior. Children taken away because people with HIV are unfit to take care of their children.

Aren't people with HIV unfit to have normal relationships? They screwed up big time and now they have to continue to wear that crimson A.

I was fearful of dating someone and finding out they had HIV. I wouldn't know how to react.

I fear that no one would or can love me because of this huge mistake.

I fear that I may tire my body out from being a dancing monkey rather than my lymphatic system shutting down naturally.

I fear.

Why?

It's our nature to fear.

We fear because we don't know what's ahead.

We can't trust that the right or best path will be there for us to take.

We lose trust because we depended on someone to be responsible for our life and safety and that was dropped.

Confidence is scraped away, leaving fear to rape our heart and devour our soul.

We can keep on dancing or we can stop.

When we stop we might smell. We might have fleas. We just might be dirty.

We can bathe, we can shower, we can wash ourselves. We can clean up as best we can and join the rest of the monkeys watching us.

I fear I will always have bananas thrown at my face. I guess that means more smoothies and sexual innuendos for me!