Day 21: All I Heard Was Blah Blah Blah I'm A Dirty Tramp

Disclosing HIV isn't just about the disease, it's about coming to terms with how you got this, why you let it happen and any accepting responsibility. It's also about explaining this to most people without knowing if there will be acceptance. What is any reaction to bad news? How do people feel? Can they express what they are thinking and be honest with me without fearing to hurt me? Conchata Ferrell says it best.

Having HIV is like being gay one more time. The emotional humps that come from telling people are no different if not more intense. Being gay is one thing but being HIV positive and gay. Well fuck now I just made things worse! Or did I?

It's been three weeks. I haven't turned to God for devotion and celibacy. I haven't run to my room to sulk in this problem and more importantly I haven't kicked myself in the ass thinking every hour "You idiot what the fuck did you do that for?"

Self love! (Not That self love - although that self love is good for you since it does reduce the chance of prostate cancer!)

Do we give ourselves enough? Do we do things for ourselves thinking it is self love but instead it's just a temporary fix to ease our stress?

I worry about reactions from others but I know only I can make myself suffer from these reactions. Each I tell makes me experience fear of rejection times 1000. Even if I have known that person for a while and understand the great understanding they possess. Every single time I still get butterflies. I worry. I prepare myself for abandonment.

Only I can feel alone. At some point you have to let others in. You have to trust there will be those out there available for support. Those out there for short term (like therapy and support groups) and long term healing (family, friends, yourself).

In case you weren't wondering - Day 69 happens sechs (six in german) days before my birthday. Day 1469 will happen on approximately September 23, 2013 and Day 2469 will happen on June 20, 2015. If the Mayan calendar doesn't run out then we are having parties on those days!