Day 20: Therapy With My Sister

We sat down. My therapist asked how we were doing. I smiled and said I am doing well. I looked over at my sister and tears were flooding down her face. I put my hand on her back and she couldn't stop crying. I started to tear up and I looked at Jackie, and nodded.

This was my fear. That I would make those around me cry, fear and worry. That I would feel in my heart every reason why I shouldn't have did what I did to get me here. The shame. The disappointment. The "I told you so" or "What the fuck is wrong with you why didn't you use . . . "

I looked back at Jackie and I teared up a little more but I wouldn't let those feelings hurt me. I am living up to what I did but I refuse to make myself feel small. I've been there, I will feel that way when I tell my parents and I know now, with my sister here, she is terrified. She has school, work, life and now this.

I want to tell you our session was easy - it was. But that moment of making my sister cry, I can't imagine the pain my mom and dad are going to feel when I tell them.

(You know my mom saw the white skin cells in my mouth and said that people with HIV get that. This was a couple of years ago. I was only recently infected but I know my mom is more observant and aware like every other mother.)

I don't worry about telling my parents. I found that it will happen when it's right but to worry about when, how, the right moment just means more stress.

Rule #1 - Don't stress!

I asked my sister to educate herself. I know that this would help anyone with any disease. With all the stigmas out there, we can help put people at ease with education. This includes my parents. Support groups, current research, options, no one needs to continue to believe this is death.

Maybe I will die before my parents, maybe I will get hit by a bus. I can only live my life and be a better person.

My sister and Jackie are pretty surprised with how I am doing. They are amazed at my ability to cope and attack this in full force. Jackie predicts, as well as myself, that there will be a moment when I am going to dip down and fall for a bit.

My sister worries I am going to go into a dark place. I worry about that too although I know by having friends and family to keep me on my toes, a blog I can be honest with and networks I can feel at ease in, I can't go wrong. I am making everything around me my comfort zone.

That's just it.

As a performer, we are always making that small space where we stand and play our spot. We stand there and feed our emotions to the audience, raw material that we humbly give. When we are comfortable with our area we can deliver a peak performance. When we become worried about the territory our performance can fall short, flat on its face.

By making people and places my comfort zones I can feel the need to step out. The "dark place" isn't the only place I find solace.

I refuse to crash and I refuse to let my friends and family come near. I don't want to be alone and I won't be. I don't want to die in the next 50, 60? 69 years and I won't (unless of course a sting ray or bull trampling happens). Am I being optimistic or hiding the truth. People are living. People are taking care of themselves. People are doing what they can to live happy productive lives.

Once you believe in that then I don't think HIV can win.

This is what I hope my sister understood from the meeting. You can't think about death, it happens. You can think about living, having fun, enjoying life, volunteering, hoping and being here.