Day 58: Pal is Back

So the Pal is coming tonight so we can both run a half marathon on Sunday.  I really am having a hard time telling my parents.  My Pal offered to be support to me and to basically tell me "Stop being a pussy bitch!"  Cause really that's what I am doing.  Delaying the situation and therefore letting fear win.

No more pussy bitch.  No more fear.

Day 57: Two Months; New Doctor

Today marks two months today since I found out I have HIV.  I saw my new HMO doctor today.  His first call was to start medication right away, although when I told him my numbers he asked me to repeat them because he thought they were wrong, since it's rare to have someone with numbers like that.

I told him that I have done my homework and I don't want to start medication just yet.  I want to see how my body will react to this disease through self-care.  I suggested that I get tested every 2 months for now so that we can see how my viral load will be and we can establish a baseline.  He thought that was a good plan, not his usual nerdy thing, but a something that was thought out and something he was definitely willing to work with.

He said to do some research in the medications and my response was that I will, although now I am too overloaded and that's something that I need time for.

So I talked to my dad on the phone.  I couldn't say it.  I just liked hearing him talk about what's going on in his life that I just couldn't bring it up.  Should I call him back or wait for the weekend?

Day 56: Friends are Fun

I spent the evening drinking and eating with friends.  I think in a matter of 6 hours I brought up hiv once which means I don't think about it quite as often, which means I am not so isolated and self conscious about having it.  Now I just have to tell my parents.

Day 55: Giving Yourself The Gift of Happiness

I went for a massage today.  He asked me what is hurting.  I told him nothing was, except that I was a little stressed.  At the moment I have a couple of people who are in situations where they are overloaded and not sure what to do.  At times I can handle people telling me their problems, so much as they deal with them.  At the moment I am overloaded with requests.  This is not to say I don't want to hear them, I just want to see steps taken to deconstruct the problem and tackle it.

I am really happy with myself.  People see how happy and well I am doing.  It's was never easy to get to this point, and for my friends who are unhappy, it takes work, facing your fears, faltering and finally doing something small to change yourself for the better.  Simple steps are all you need to do.  Just don't criticize your self or others and don't hold it inside.  Find a way to release and to get rid of the built up tension.  Find a way to release that makes you happy.

My massage is one of those simple steps.  I would rather not do social activities but instead give myself time to regroup.  Letting my self go.

2 hours of not thinking.  2 hours of letting someone beat my body from head to toe.  2 hours I give to my body to lay in peace.

I came home after the massage, drank some water, went to bed and had a wonderful night of sleep.

Day 54: Deadlines

So I set Sunday as my deadline to tell my parents.  I ended up driving to the beach and just thinking.

Do you ever go to the beach late at night to watch the moon set?  I remember at midnight on my first birthday in San Diego I went to the beach, alone, not knowing anyone down here, and I spent the moments turning another year older watching the moon hit the waves.

I did that again.

I thought.

I dreamed.

I sighed.