My therapist told me I was more than two standard deviations away from the norm on the happy and healthy side. She used a bell curve to describe how I was handling this. I thought this was very appropriate since secretly I am a math geek. In 11th grade I wrote out pascal's triangle in roman numerals to the 15th line just to call out a dare from my teacher.
I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the house. My parents are coming next week and I want the place to look great. I also want the place to look great because I want it to be organized. It's been a little at a time. I am organizing a tiny bit, keeping a better grasp on life and throwing out excess crap in my life as soon as possible.
Layer after layer, stripping down until you find the core of the problem and solve it. After you figure out the problem you reorganize the core so that you don't have to strip down so many layers.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Day 65: Life Is Better With Bacon
I cooked dinner last night. I wouldn't call it my best overall dinner. The excuse, I didn't have all the ingredients I would have liked to have in the kitchen and I changed my mind with what I was going to fix.
The crowning moment of the night were yams. I sliced them in half and faced the inside up. I cut up raw bacon and put it on top. I added blue cheese, ginger powder, syrup and walnut oil. In the base of the pan I put in some brewed chai tea. I baked these along side spaghetti squash prepared the same way.
What came out was a bite that caused mouth orgasms.
It wasn't until recently that I started to cook once again and I miss it. I miss creating something that can satiate the mind, mouth and body. Why did I stop?
The crowning moment of the night were yams. I sliced them in half and faced the inside up. I cut up raw bacon and put it on top. I added blue cheese, ginger powder, syrup and walnut oil. In the base of the pan I put in some brewed chai tea. I baked these along side spaghetti squash prepared the same way.
What came out was a bite that caused mouth orgasms.
It wasn't until recently that I started to cook once again and I miss it. I miss creating something that can satiate the mind, mouth and body. Why did I stop?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day 64: PDT - Princess Dennis de la Testes
My coworker found a lost dog. I took the little critter home and sheltered her for the night. I had her in my gym bag, with the top open, on my lap on the shuttle home. It was cute. I thought to myself "Do I need a dog?" The answer is yes, however, I don't need one of my own at the moment. I'm still not ready for the fatherly responsibilities. I don't think I want someone clinging on to me every moment.
She (named Princess [insert the name of the straight male in close proximity here]) and I watched Glee and enjoyed a warm slumber.
I enjoyed looking after her for the night, but as much as I want a dog, at the moment I want myself. I want to find more of myself before I can continue to take care of something so cute.
She (named Princess [insert the name of the straight male in close proximity here]) and I watched Glee and enjoyed a warm slumber.
I enjoyed looking after her for the night, but as much as I want a dog, at the moment I want myself. I want to find more of myself before I can continue to take care of something so cute.
Day 63: Sushi and HIV
I was at dinner with my friend and I was answering all his questions about me and HIV during dinner. Yes I know I am not supposed to have sushi but it's soooo good!
It's hard to discuss HIV without feeling self conscious or concerned with judgment. I did it. And I think I know why I felt fine. I am done judging myself. I am done with the results of others judging me. I know what is in my heart and how I think. If other people are uncomfortable with life then it's probably because they are fearful or misinformed. I guess there is a time to not speak out, a crowd to keep your distance, but there is a life we are living and a freedom granted to us so we are comfortable with ourselves.
People say I am strong. I am not strong, maybe a little naive and oblivious, maybe a little brave. Or maybe I just don't care about those that hate what I have because I know I have lots of people who love me no matter what. I have the support group to fall back on. Even if I am down to just myself in this world, at least I know that I will love myself.
It's hard to discuss HIV without feeling self conscious or concerned with judgment. I did it. And I think I know why I felt fine. I am done judging myself. I am done with the results of others judging me. I know what is in my heart and how I think. If other people are uncomfortable with life then it's probably because they are fearful or misinformed. I guess there is a time to not speak out, a crowd to keep your distance, but there is a life we are living and a freedom granted to us so we are comfortable with ourselves.
People say I am strong. I am not strong, maybe a little naive and oblivious, maybe a little brave. Or maybe I just don't care about those that hate what I have because I know I have lots of people who love me no matter what. I have the support group to fall back on. Even if I am down to just myself in this world, at least I know that I will love myself.
Day 62: Post-Race Precautions & Lab Results
I woke up a little sore from the race. I realized my immune system is probably very low. If I were to encounter many sick people I might not react well.
Good news! My viral load has dropped from 200 to 134! My T-cell level is up to 538. I realize I have been treating myself well and I think that has paid off. I will take another set of blood tests in the beginning of January. I am so excited because my body is really doing well with this and I know that I am treating myself well and it's having a greater effect on my system.
Keep up the happiness and laughter.
Good news! My viral load has dropped from 200 to 134! My T-cell level is up to 538. I realize I have been treating myself well and I think that has paid off. I will take another set of blood tests in the beginning of January. I am so excited because my body is really doing well with this and I know that I am treating myself well and it's having a greater effect on my system.
Keep up the happiness and laughter.
Day 61: Race Day
Race Day: It's been a long day. You have to go to bed early to get up super early to wait forever and then you spend a few hours running and walking and recovering from the trauma you put on your body.
I found myself sore and tired by mile 3. Go figure when you don't put in the real half marathon training and run at most 6 miles in the last month! I remember being on the course and being far behind from the front and closer to the end. I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't be last and even if I was at least I was starting this again.
I was on the course and there were a few women missing a leg, who were running the course. Talk about inspiring. I had a dream that I wasn't aloud to run a half marathon because I was disabled and had HIV. I woke up thinking how bogus is that. During the race I thought how bogus am I. I should be training, I should be running, I should be exercising to a higher capacity. Then again, I just found out that I was HIV positive 60 days ago!
The Pal went home again and I made him cry. This weekend marked 3 months since we met, since things progressed, since ripples would happen. We officially broke the relationship off this weekend. I am not thrilled but I do know the reality of life. Long distances are tough, diseases create barriers, and attention must be paid to yourself before you can give it to others. I feel like I have personally grown from this entire process - this relationship. Perhaps I have stepped up to a new plateau of self respect. Isn't that the point of disease?
I took him to the airport and spent the rest of the night making dinner with my friends. How wonderful it is to make dinner with friends. Although we were recovering from endless mimosa brunch and lacked our normal energy levels, I really felt safe and secure knowing I have people with my best interest at hand.
It's great to have friends. It makes me sad to know all the people that get afflicted with a disease might not have a friend network like mine. I guess when you make happiness and joy your guide it pays off in the most terrifying times in your life.
I found myself sore and tired by mile 3. Go figure when you don't put in the real half marathon training and run at most 6 miles in the last month! I remember being on the course and being far behind from the front and closer to the end. I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't be last and even if I was at least I was starting this again.
I was on the course and there were a few women missing a leg, who were running the course. Talk about inspiring. I had a dream that I wasn't aloud to run a half marathon because I was disabled and had HIV. I woke up thinking how bogus is that. During the race I thought how bogus am I. I should be training, I should be running, I should be exercising to a higher capacity. Then again, I just found out that I was HIV positive 60 days ago!
The Pal went home again and I made him cry. This weekend marked 3 months since we met, since things progressed, since ripples would happen. We officially broke the relationship off this weekend. I am not thrilled but I do know the reality of life. Long distances are tough, diseases create barriers, and attention must be paid to yourself before you can give it to others. I feel like I have personally grown from this entire process - this relationship. Perhaps I have stepped up to a new plateau of self respect. Isn't that the point of disease?
I took him to the airport and spent the rest of the night making dinner with my friends. How wonderful it is to make dinner with friends. Although we were recovering from endless mimosa brunch and lacked our normal energy levels, I really felt safe and secure knowing I have people with my best interest at hand.
It's great to have friends. It makes me sad to know all the people that get afflicted with a disease might not have a friend network like mine. I guess when you make happiness and joy your guide it pays off in the most terrifying times in your life.
Day 60: Race Expos
I spent the morning at the half marathon race expo, Roadrunner Sports and REI. It was so nice to feel the energy of the run. Race day is so exciting. The race expo is even better. You get to feel the excitement of the race, see the other people who will join you and get a bag of free crap!
Going to each place I felt so thrilled I had decided to pick up running again. Perhaps it was the excuse to go shopping or maybe the energy of all the people.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the Pal. We ended up going to Trader Joes and getting supplies to fix a nice dinner. I didn't tell my parents. My sister was a little nervous about having them find out before her school semester ends. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? Maybe next year? I don't know. I am not going to worry because I have lamb to eat and pecan pie.
Going to each place I felt so thrilled I had decided to pick up running again. Perhaps it was the excuse to go shopping or maybe the energy of all the people.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the Pal. We ended up going to Trader Joes and getting supplies to fix a nice dinner. I didn't tell my parents. My sister was a little nervous about having them find out before her school semester ends. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? Maybe next year? I don't know. I am not going to worry because I have lamb to eat and pecan pie.
Day 59: Churnin' Butter Milkin' Cows
Today I rushed home from work, had 30 seconds to kiss the Pal, change into rustic Americana harvest clothing and sing some Copland. It was a long night of adventure. The Pal is back in town. It was so nice to be working and to know that there is someone waiting at home. I only wished it would last longer. At least I have a weekend to enjoy it. I have a moment and I will remember to let myself be in that moment and enjoy the moment so that after the moment has past I will have a fond moment to remember.
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