Day 95: Job Who?

I didn't get word either way if I received the position.  That's really frustrating.  At least call me back or send me an email saying "We're sorry we can't offer you the position because you would be the hottest person in our office and the Doctor would be jealous.  Also we don't hire homo-sex-U-als."

That's all I have to hear!

Well I am beat.  I had therapy today.  I talked about assertive skills and how I need to be a little more demanding with what I should rightfully have.  I also discussed how painful it is to communicate with someone when they are less empathetic (ie. not as psychic to the situation at hand).

Tonight I am going to make squash, salad and meat!  Maybe some potatoes a l'oven.

Day 94: Comsuming Thoughts

I can't think of anything but this job.  It's sort of like I couldn't think of anything but HIV when I found out.  At this point I am pretty sure I didn't get the job.  Since the last interviews have past and it's been days, I am thinking they have notified the candidate and are waiting to hear back from HR for the final approval.  You know how that goes . . .

Sigh.

I guess I have to hope and try.

Day 93: Jobs Jobs and More Jobs!

I interviewed with a position and it seemed to go ok.  That's a mix of things went well and then there were the interesting parts like the doctor took out his nail clippers from his desk and started to clip his nails during the beginning of the interview.

I received a call for another position and the interview will be when I get back from break.

I have to say it's been a relief of stress just to get the interviews.  It's also been a relief of stress to have the MRI scheduled.  I can't imagine I am going to Love the MRI seeing that I really have to focus to make sure my fear of tight spaces doesn't activate.  A few meditative techniques for a bit usually brings me through.

I am not where I want to be however I feel that I am breaking free from my shell and heading in a better direction, a place that I can manage my stress a little better.

I was frustrated in yoga today.  I wanted to be free.  I wanted to find a place where I can enjoy what I am doing and not feel trapped.  The impact of stress from the diagnosis has really aggravated the little points I am bothered about and have made me realize I need to eliminate crap.

As of now I have no job offers however I feel like I am ready and making steps to move forward.

Day 92: Stressaches

I just returned from my appointment.  My doctor is issuing an MRI for my brain to make sure everything is ok.  He thinks a majority of the problems with the headache is due to stress and sinus pressure. 
Since I had a few really bad nights he is going to have an MRI done for two reasons, one to double check and two to relinquish any stress I have over fearing there is something more. 

He also gave me something more powerful than Aleve.  A pill with two Aleves!  Of course I have to remember to eat and drink lots of water.

I think a major contributor with stress has been the time leading to disclosure of my status to my parents.  I also think I am unhappy with my job and need a change, soon.  Lastly, I need to regain the motivation to keep my home clean and my body nourished.  I need to find a steady pace of exercise and lastly I need to take time to enjoy the quiet solitude of a book at a coffee shop, or perhaps a game of Chinese Checkers.  Off to work.

Day 91: Flying Time

Work went by really quickly today and so did my massage.  I felt like it was so short.  I know my body is relaxed but my mind was tricked into thinking 2 hours was shorter than what it seemed.

I am flushing my body with fluids.  I feel like the weekend of sleep really helped.

I am looking forward to winter break.

Day 90: Wow

It's been 90 days.  90 days, can you believe it?  In a course of 3 months so many things can happen.  Today I went to rehearsal, immersed myself in our dress rehearsal and enjoyed the music.  I fixed meatballs in sauce with some linguine noodles.  My headache is still lingering however it's not as bad.  I have been drinking water and trying to make sure I stay hydrated and relaxed.  I realize how aggravated I was due to a headache, release of telling my parents and lack of sleep.  The intensity was rubbing off on my coworkers and those who crossed my path.

If there was every a downfall since discovering then it would be now when my eyes are slowly opening up and seeing what I really want.  I can vision all the goals I want to begin and restart all the activities I found so important but stopped due to lack of motivation and general distractions.

There are many things I am not happy with.  I am not happy with my current job.  I now realize how unhappy and stressed I am there and realize that change is needed.  I also understand that I can't let my jarring feelings intensify and reflect poorly on my work.

I am sitting here in the dark ready to grab my blankets, shower and head to bed.  It's so quiet.  There is a light shinning on a tree in the neighbors house.  Aside from Iago, it's the only illuminated object that is distracting my eyes.

I helped one of my students find housing, I am helping my sister get to school by borrowing my car.  I am trying to find a way to relieve my work stress and still manage to figure out how to tell myself that I am still in need of taking care of my own stress and peace of mind.

It's been easier to achieve a place of centering, although I don't feel like I have found it completely.  I think yeah it's been easy to get where I am, but has it?  It's been convenient really because there has been a lot of preparation, work and support that I have taken advantage of.  It hasn't been easy figuring out the right thing to do but my mind is resting more since I have confidence that I have chosen the better path possible.  What validates this?  I can feel in my heart that the choices I have made to get to this point have been made to sincerely help me for the better. 

Sweet dreams.