Day 18: Flying Marbles

I played Chinese Checkers with my sister last night. After work we went to a coffee shop and chatted over fancy lattes. My sister did not remember how to play Chinese Checkers so I taught her (the right way that doesn't involve clothing!). She and I, of course, had to exaggerate our moves and found that occasionally a marble went flying off the table. I had Iago open and he insisted on showing us (repeatedly) Grandma Marlene - this is the reaction video of a grandmother in Oregon watching the video 2girls1cup. I have not seen the infamous 2girls1cup and I plan on never ever seeing it but I can appreciate a good reaction video.

My week was up and down and when I got off the shuttle and my sister wasn't there to pick me up I got cranky. Maybe it was the pressure headache or that it was randomly raining. I couldn't tell. I decided to walk towards home. My sister finally arrived and I asked her to meet me at a coffee show and just sit down.

I really needed that. An unexpected moment to just decompress. It really helped. (I think as a bonus having my new roommate order sushi made the night 124% better!). I understand happy hours, I understand getting together for dinner. I understand seeing each other for coffee. This is twice in two weeks where my sister and I have unexpectedly sat down on a Friday after work and enjoyed an hour of just being present with each other.

This hour was after work and before our nightly events (hers studying and mine cleaning up the house and going to bed early so I can go to the gym Saturday mornings). I know. Many of you are going to realize I have a very boring life. I am pretty content with that. I mean what more do I need in life but Chinese Checkers, ginger snaps, sushi and a sister that insists I replay all the moves where I jump over 7 marbles in one turn.

Day 17: Mother Fucker!

Why can't I find balance in my life?

I am putting focus back on work. I am finding ways to motivate my fitness and home life. I did the dishes! I am mad with the fact that someone wasn't honest with me and now I have the responsibility of naive trust. That is all fine. I can accept that, I can move forward and I can learn to recover.

HOWEVER

Those fucking raccoons took all my tomatoes. Every single ripe tomato I wanted to make salsa with. I have basil growing to make tomato basil soup. Gone. All of them gone. And when I walked out this morning. My eggplant was gone. The last of my fruits. My labors of patience and nurture wasted. All because some mother fucker raccoon came in and abused my garden just to gain a quick meal.

Grrrrrrrr.

Day 16: Grapefruit - The New Deadly Fruit

I wait a week to hear my lab results.  It might be many years to months until I would start taking medication.  If I join trials and use my body for medical experiments then I won't be able to partake in a few things, particularly grapefruit.

Oh I love grapefruit.  A sweet and sour delight.  Grapefruit, avocado and blue cheese salad.  Grapefruit juice.  Spooning grapefruit at work.  Grapefruit gummies from Trader Joes.

Do you ever think about the simple things you will miss?

Until I have to go on medication, I decided I would start listing all the things I will miss and enjoy them so much that I will detest them later in life.

Grapefruit, excess caffeine, sex, drugs, Enya, just to name a few.

Note: When I begin the path of medication and I am sent off to medical experiments you will want to be there! I will be doing a heart warming performance from the movie "The Meaning of Life."  That's right, with Uke in hand I will perform "Every Sperm is Sacred."

Until then, I will sit here now, spooning out this sweet and delicious pink grapefruit.

Day 15: Preoccupation & Dr. Shamblaw

Today I messed up. I didn't follow up on an order at work. This means a group of students and faculty will not have food for lunch.

I almost went to the faculty in tears to let them know that something went wrong with the order.

This was the first time I felt the reality of HIV - it's bigger than I thought and I am not completely ok with this.

I am losing focus at work, with band and my fitness. I am slacking so that I can focus on my health and stress. I recognize that and I hope that I can learn to be more attentive to the needs aside from myself so that I can bring back equilibrium to my life. People rely on me and when I am not here others might fall short.

Dr. Shamblaw

I went to see the doctor. The doctor's office had a chart of HIV meds and there was a sign on the door that had a couple of support groups. In the lobby was the magazine "The Advocate." I went into the room and waited.  He sat on the counter top, feet on the chair and asked what was going on. I brought my paper work, last blood work from a year ago, HIV test. He was very approachable and took lab work to do a general check. I had a list of questions that Iago had saved for me and we went through every one of them.  I asked about supplements, effects on the liver, brain, headaches, ways to help with treatment.  All in all it was a good appointment.  I did find one review about him amusing.  Chech out the second review.

The one thing that I didn't like - I had to watch 9 tubes of blood fill up.  One by one.  each placed directly in front of me.  I counted down slowly.  The needed stayed pretty still however I had to meditate and go into the zone so I wouldn't move and think about the last remaining tubes to fill.  I won't be able to donate blood again and I would have rather done that then what I went through today.  At least then you lay back and let it just fill the bag.  Today I watched each tube slide into place, slowly suck out my blood, removed, tilted and placed on the arm rest in front of me.

I will have the results in a week of my current status of Hep resistance/exposure, general health, STDs, liver, kidney health, viral load, cd4 (t-cells) and the baseline I have.  In three weeks I will find out what medicines I am resistant to and what type of virus I have.

Day 15: Rain in September?

I went on a walk to the cliffs near UCSD. Stef and I found the radiant oranges, purples and reds were too hard to resist. The colors, as magnificent and proud as they were, calmed my lymph nodes so that I could forget about the irritation and remind myself how wonderful the ocean, sky and cliffs are. We were heading to the cliffs above Black's Beach (The naked beach) when out of no where large drops of rain fell on us. The smell was fresh and the sky was clear for the most part. In Uganda they say a sunshower is where "the leopard is taking her daughter to get married." In Mexico it means someone who owes you money shall pay you back soon.  In German it is called "When it's raining and the sun shines, the devil is beating his grandmother: he laughs and she cries."

We continued to the cliffs and looked into the distance.  On the return we saw a bolt of lightning just inland.

Today I go to my new doctor.  I have a list of questions to ask him like what kind of herbs/supplements should I take since I am not on medication just yet?  Pau d'arco and slippery elm - do they work?  How does acupuncture and massage therapy assist?  Does a lymphatic drain put to much strain on the nodes?  Are my migraines a mix of sinus and lymphatic activity?  What are the statistics for having sex with someone?  Should I use foam, cream and jelly along with five condoms at a sheet with a hole?  Flu shot? Swine Flu shot? Viral Load - really is there another term that doesn't have "load" in it? How offensive is that - this virus gets to have its load in me and I don't get to enjoy it? What about my needs?

I found out two weeks from today about this.  Yesterday I felt sadness but I was reminded with friends, good food and some Orphans' Tears that during down time I have to reach out to the resources I have.

A Way With Words discusses variations of a sunshower. Start at 40:55.
Here is a complete list by Bert Vaux

Day 14: What is a Healthy Relationship?

I broke up with the BF (hence forth known as my Pal - Pretty Amusing Latino/Paul's Aztec Lover/Penis,Ass,Lips . . . ), well under a mutual consensus we stopped the courtship. I wasn't having fun and he was stressing out.

I talked a bit with my therapist about why we broke up and where we are now. Where we are now! Yes there is still a spark that ceases to fully ignite but not dwindle. Immediately after and since the break up, he and I have had discussions in length about our feelings, what we want from ourselves and from each other.

My therapist asked what I thought about my Pal. I told her that I don't really see myself worrying about him, I am just letting things happen.

Jackie helped me question my relationship with my Pal. We weren't official but we were something. She helped me understand that despite official titles ceasing, there was something more there. I didn't think of it at first but then I asked my Pal what I meant to him and we looked as us objectively.

For two people that live 600 miles away, who have recently met, who have been through a huge scare, who knows there are challenges between new relationships, distances, life, there is something healthier in those two people than in many relationships out there. These two people talk about the process, boundaries, goals, hopes, sex, to name a few. There is a trust and a comfort. There is a constant hope that each can push the other to reach beyond our comfort zones and achieve something better. At the core of it all they know that the simplest thing in the world can be the most soothing thing; a hug by someone who knows you a little more and still accepts you for what you are. Someone who is a pal.

I don't predict what will happen to us, nor do I worry. I am not basing things on tiny little cue cards that have specific titles. I don't worry about staying together or parting our separate ways. I'm just letting it be what it is and enjoying the simplicity of having someone who can love me. Who can care enough to be a jackass and a gentleman, and who will get a flu shot now knowing that I have to take extra precautions with my immune system and me. I expect that neither one of us will put each other in harms way again, and will ensure to protect each other like Batman and Robin!

As long as his influence is efficacious in making me happier then why let it stop?

A side note - It was because of a campaign in the 50's and a congressional hearing about the effects comic books had among children and speculation that Batman and Robin appeared to be homosexuals, that Batwoman and Bat-girl were introduced as love interests. ("Was Superman a Spy?" by Brian Cronin)

Day 13: El Gay Es El

This guy came to my office asking for directions. He was wearing a t-shirt that said "El Gay Es El" with an arrow pointing to his left.

I love the simple things in life where in a moment you have to take a few glances before you realize how funny, pretty or suspicious something is.

Why is it that I turn on my fan in my office and have an air freshener?

It's because I am a boy and it is determined by natural selection that I have bad gas - a lot! When the fan is on it's probably a good idea to stay out! I don't have the air freshener to accent my office decor, it's because I don't want to stink. My sister is probably angry at this point because i am a failure at using bathroom spray to assuage the scent of sit-down toilet activities. And yet I am good when it comes to office courtesy. I hear an "Oh Paul" coming on.

Today is my first counseling session where we start getting into this HIV thing. Last week was about me talking, now it's about analysis. I love this part. I love living life and at the same time stepping out and being objective. It's like proof reading your own paper. There are so many mistakes but perhaps after a larger frequency you become prone to catching the errors and fixing them before turning the paper in.

A bit of HIV information.

The 20 minute rapid test is accurate to detect HIV a month after infection, according to the nurses at the UCSD HIV Research Study. The test is so sensitive that although it says you need at least two months, it should be able to detect it within a month. The test has a 1 in 500 chance of producing a false positive.

If you are in the San Diego area the one week test is available however it is unclear if it available anywhere else. In Florida this test is standard. It was developed because of blood banks as a way for them to detect it for donations.

Day 12: I'm Tired

"We all have good and bad habits. People encourage bad behavior and overlook the good people possess. Just continue to reassure yourself. Rely on those who can understand what you are going through, not necessarily those that are in the same boat, and continue to educate yourself. Be your biggest champion because this can get very lonely. Trust yourself to know that you can still do the things you think you might be able to do. I don't wish this on anyone, but this can change you in ways you never realized."

Someone said this to me last night.

Today I am feeling pretty slow. My lymph nodes are hyperactive and I am going to let them do their thing. I am starting to take vitamins and am going to do some research into ways to boost and assist the immune system.

The house feels more like a house again and although I am feeling tired, I am still excited that things are coming back together.