I went to take it easy today. I didn't want to stress my body after the H1N1 shot. If you'll recall, colds, vaccines and such can temporarily raise your viral load since your body is impacting your immune system.
I woke up and ate some cereal. I turned on South Park, laid on the couch and fell asleep until 7 p.m. I guess my body needed rest.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Day 88: Churchy Chocolate
I got my H1N1 shot today - now I just need my flu shot.
I sang a solo for a church gig this evening. I also did some quartet stuff. I love singing in quartets, especially when the other three people know how to balance with you and you can return the balance right back.
The best part was the ambiance. The choir was composed of 4 soloists and the choir where everyone was over 70. Old churchy choir people are sooo cute. After many carols and Christmas spirit we headed into the side building where the doors were opened to a fire pit and light rain. Inside was hot chocolate next to a bowl of marshmellows and candy canes. The choir director brought an assortment of chocolate candies filled with liquor.
Churchy Chocolate
Add 7 marshmellows and 1-2 liquor chocolates to your cup. Pour in hot water and let set for 1 minute. Add hot chocolate mix. Stir. Garnish with mini-candy cane with the long side in the liquid portion. Serve
I sang a solo for a church gig this evening. I also did some quartet stuff. I love singing in quartets, especially when the other three people know how to balance with you and you can return the balance right back.
The best part was the ambiance. The choir was composed of 4 soloists and the choir where everyone was over 70. Old churchy choir people are sooo cute. After many carols and Christmas spirit we headed into the side building where the doors were opened to a fire pit and light rain. Inside was hot chocolate next to a bowl of marshmellows and candy canes. The choir director brought an assortment of chocolate candies filled with liquor.
Churchy Chocolate
Add 7 marshmellows and 1-2 liquor chocolates to your cup. Pour in hot water and let set for 1 minute. Add hot chocolate mix. Stir. Garnish with mini-candy cane with the long side in the liquid portion. Serve
Day 87: Frustrations
In general I have been super grumpy and not thinking clearly all week. I am unhappy with my job, I really want to help my sister, I want to make sure my parents are ok, I want to apply for grad school, I want to do the dishes, I want my H1N1 shot and I want to get rid of this headache.
I want way to many thing, more than my body can handle. I think having no sleep the other night has thrown off my thinking. I hate being frustrated because what I want is not always attainable and yet it seems clearly simple.
Maybe I am just way grumpy.
I want way to many thing, more than my body can handle. I think having no sleep the other night has thrown off my thinking. I hate being frustrated because what I want is not always attainable and yet it seems clearly simple.
Maybe I am just way grumpy.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Day 86: Headaches, Dehydration and Masturbation
I've been having headaches and to counteract the pain I have been taking Aleve. BTW it's my new blog sponsor! Little did I realize Aleve needs to be accompanied by water and not wine or spirits! Furthermore if you are ever dehydrated and have the slightest bit of a headache looming in the back of your head do not touch your special purpose. Don't masturbate. I know it's a stress reliever, gets the body going. It also raises your blood pressure and puts stress on your blood vessels. Particularly the blood vessels in the brain.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I also worried that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. This was because after I had manipulated my area and the headache occurred I thought "Just my like I am going to wank and go blind from a stroke." Can you imagine the EMT's coming to your house. You get to the hospital and the find that you had a stroke due to the combination of wine, Aleve and self-relations. That's not how I want to go and from now on if I have a headache and I seem grumpy - you know why. I am going to avoid any activities that could raise my blood pressure and put stress on my brain.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I also worried that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. This was because after I had manipulated my area and the headache occurred I thought "Just my like I am going to wank and go blind from a stroke." Can you imagine the EMT's coming to your house. You get to the hospital and the find that you had a stroke due to the combination of wine, Aleve and self-relations. That's not how I want to go and from now on if I have a headache and I seem grumpy - you know why. I am going to avoid any activities that could raise my blood pressure and put stress on my brain.
Day 85: A Call
My mom left a message on my phone. She told me she understood what I was going through and that it was hard but that they are here for me. I had to pause for a moment and I remember during college when my mom had a benign cyst in her breast. I remember before the biopsy she waited in anticipation to see if she had breast cancer.
There is a poem, used in many services, that when read from a Christian standpoint equivocates Love to Jesus. I tend to strip the dogmatic attachment to verses and replace it with my personal quest for myself. When embarking on the path of self intuition and knowledge you go through several phases. I always thought this poem condensed the search into the three strophes. First you find who you are. Next is the energy that you can produce. Last is the reason for searching - to love yourself and those around you.
The Call - George Herbert
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
I think that we can't receive love and acceptance without understanding what makes us tick. I remember when my mom told me of her cancer I was so unbalanced with my life. I spent more time worrying about my mom and worrying about my life if something bad were to happen. Instead I should have been relinquishing the fears and replacing them with many feasts to gain strength.
My parents are strong people but they lack complete balance. My sister is only just beginning to expose her anxiety and uncover personal joys. Me.
I've exposed a huge truth in my life and I find the joys and compassion that come from being honest are worth every moment of anxiety and frustration.
There is a poem, used in many services, that when read from a Christian standpoint equivocates Love to Jesus. I tend to strip the dogmatic attachment to verses and replace it with my personal quest for myself. When embarking on the path of self intuition and knowledge you go through several phases. I always thought this poem condensed the search into the three strophes. First you find who you are. Next is the energy that you can produce. Last is the reason for searching - to love yourself and those around you.
The Call - George Herbert
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
I think that we can't receive love and acceptance without understanding what makes us tick. I remember when my mom told me of her cancer I was so unbalanced with my life. I spent more time worrying about my mom and worrying about my life if something bad were to happen. Instead I should have been relinquishing the fears and replacing them with many feasts to gain strength.
My parents are strong people but they lack complete balance. My sister is only just beginning to expose her anxiety and uncover personal joys. Me.
I've exposed a huge truth in my life and I find the joys and compassion that come from being honest are worth every moment of anxiety and frustration.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Day 84: It Occured To Me . . .
My friend Stef pointed this out:
My dad said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago to the news that I had HIV, mostly because the stigmas attached to HIV 30 years ago were of death, gays and drugs.
Stef said that he probably would have reacted differently not just because of the stigmas 30 years ago but also because I would have been a 3 year old going up to my father saying "Dad I have HIV but not to worry I went on the computer and did my research, I started a blog and checked out supplement information on the internet." My Dad would be furious - "What is this internet and where the hell did you get a computer? Did your mom buy this?"
My dad said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago to the news that I had HIV, mostly because the stigmas attached to HIV 30 years ago were of death, gays and drugs.
Stef said that he probably would have reacted differently not just because of the stigmas 30 years ago but also because I would have been a 3 year old going up to my father saying "Dad I have HIV but not to worry I went on the computer and did my research, I started a blog and checked out supplement information on the internet." My Dad would be furious - "What is this internet and where the hell did you get a computer? Did your mom buy this?"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Day 83: Fuck-uh You Darphin And Whare
I spent the weekend with my friend Ben. Despite having a headache all weekend, spilling into today, we spent the day honoring Pearl Harbor Day by visiting Cabrillo National Park and the Midway Museum. We also kept quoting south park. Fuc-uh you!
I dropped Ben off at the airport, after singing “Somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world” for the billionth time. I came home to watch the latest installment of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. One of the guys lost his mom 11 years ago. He wanted to get off his chest a few issues. Part of the process was bringing his dad in and reading this letter to his father. Telling his father that he’s sorry for having a sex and drug addiction. His father responded that he feels horrible because if he knew sooner then he could have been there to help him.
I called my father and told him.
I told him that I really wanted him to be there for my birthday weekend. He said he can’t be here unless I talk. He said that he’s not psychic and if I want something from them just let them know. He said just say whatever you need to say and not to worry. I told him well if you want something to talk about here it is - I have HIV.
His reaction was basically how I react to something. I have to say I was crying like a little bitch. But if anyone were to tell me something as horrible, my first reaction would be to make sure they are ok. They second would be to make them laugh or smile.
My dad did that. He started to go on about how he is here for me and I stopped him and told him. It wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t be here for me. I knew you would. It was me making sure you are ok. I want to make sure you don’t worry. I want to make sure you have the resources of reassurance that I will be fine. He said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago, but times have changed.
I didn’t tell my mom. I headed straight to my therapy session. My emergency therapy session I scheduled because I knew I had to do this sooner than later.
My therapist and I had a great session. It was such a breakthrough moment to know that this would be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. What can be worse than this?
Props to my sister. My dad said I should be proud of her because she didn't tell them anything. I am proud of her.
I dropped Ben off at the airport, after singing “Somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world” for the billionth time. I came home to watch the latest installment of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. One of the guys lost his mom 11 years ago. He wanted to get off his chest a few issues. Part of the process was bringing his dad in and reading this letter to his father. Telling his father that he’s sorry for having a sex and drug addiction. His father responded that he feels horrible because if he knew sooner then he could have been there to help him.
I called my father and told him.
I told him that I really wanted him to be there for my birthday weekend. He said he can’t be here unless I talk. He said that he’s not psychic and if I want something from them just let them know. He said just say whatever you need to say and not to worry. I told him well if you want something to talk about here it is - I have HIV.
His reaction was basically how I react to something. I have to say I was crying like a little bitch. But if anyone were to tell me something as horrible, my first reaction would be to make sure they are ok. They second would be to make them laugh or smile.
My dad did that. He started to go on about how he is here for me and I stopped him and told him. It wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t be here for me. I knew you would. It was me making sure you are ok. I want to make sure you don’t worry. I want to make sure you have the resources of reassurance that I will be fine. He said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago, but times have changed.
I didn’t tell my mom. I headed straight to my therapy session. My emergency therapy session I scheduled because I knew I had to do this sooner than later.
My therapist and I had a great session. It was such a breakthrough moment to know that this would be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. What can be worse than this?
Props to my sister. My dad said I should be proud of her because she didn't tell them anything. I am proud of her.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Day 82: How Does It Feel?
A friend asked how does feels to have HIV.
It doesn't feel. It has no feeling. I don't see it. I don't really see signs. I don't have lesions or fat deposits. I don't use meds or have any daily physical reminder I have HIV.
Sometimes I remember I have it. For instance, I was hanging out today and I saw some people who used wheel chairs, walkers, canes, and had a disability and I think how normal I am. That's when I remember. I am no longer normal. I have HIV. I pause. I sigh just a little. It's the smallest sigh. I stop and tell myself to move on and that life is ok. It's ok to have HIV. I will be ok with HIV. If they can move on then why can't I.
It doesn't feel. It has no feeling. I don't see it. I don't really see signs. I don't have lesions or fat deposits. I don't use meds or have any daily physical reminder I have HIV.
Sometimes I remember I have it. For instance, I was hanging out today and I saw some people who used wheel chairs, walkers, canes, and had a disability and I think how normal I am. That's when I remember. I am no longer normal. I have HIV. I pause. I sigh just a little. It's the smallest sigh. I stop and tell myself to move on and that life is ok. It's ok to have HIV. I will be ok with HIV. If they can move on then why can't I.
Day 82: Honest Duncan
I've been watching Dr. Drew's series on Sex Addiction.
I have also been keeping up with Duncan's blog. He's the only gay guy in the group. He's really in touch with himself and calls out the other participants causing them to think and digest this whole experience. He talks after the experience on how each of them went into this experience wanting to tacle their problem and not fall prey to reality tv.
There is a moment when he discusses how sex habits among gay men are pretty standard if you were to talk about sleeping around, kissing or remaining friends soon after sexual encounters. Furthermore, there is so much intolerance in the world and it's flushed in our faces everyday, that gay men are constantly looking for comfort and security. Sex is the easiest way to fulfill that. Since there is a label that all gay men sleep around and are very sexual, this becomes a given standard of how to live a gay life. Unfortunately people, including myself, fall for someone and trust that they can support and take care of them.
Is this sex addiction. It's a question posed on the show. To what degree is it flirtation or normal carnal embrace? What is normal carnal embrace?
Do I have a sex addiction? After watching the show I can say no. Do I feel the need for comfort and companionship. Hell yes. Who doesn't? The trick is, at least looking at why I really got this, is to be your own hero. When you get to a point in your life when you are very stressed, impacted by work, school, family, friends, you must rely on your own heart. You must trust that you will make it through your rough passage and continue to hope that life will get back on a better path.
It's so each to trust and fall into the arms of a hero.
It has taken me a week to really digest this problem. I can't believe I have a slight fear of writing my feelings down the day I have them. Instead I waited.
Duncan wrote in his blog that his brother and mother will see his blog. He is scared of expressing his honesty. He's scared of being shunned. What can you do but say what is on your mind and be a little more honest with yourself.
I have also been keeping up with Duncan's blog. He's the only gay guy in the group. He's really in touch with himself and calls out the other participants causing them to think and digest this whole experience. He talks after the experience on how each of them went into this experience wanting to tacle their problem and not fall prey to reality tv.
There is a moment when he discusses how sex habits among gay men are pretty standard if you were to talk about sleeping around, kissing or remaining friends soon after sexual encounters. Furthermore, there is so much intolerance in the world and it's flushed in our faces everyday, that gay men are constantly looking for comfort and security. Sex is the easiest way to fulfill that. Since there is a label that all gay men sleep around and are very sexual, this becomes a given standard of how to live a gay life. Unfortunately people, including myself, fall for someone and trust that they can support and take care of them.
Is this sex addiction. It's a question posed on the show. To what degree is it flirtation or normal carnal embrace? What is normal carnal embrace?
Do I have a sex addiction? After watching the show I can say no. Do I feel the need for comfort and companionship. Hell yes. Who doesn't? The trick is, at least looking at why I really got this, is to be your own hero. When you get to a point in your life when you are very stressed, impacted by work, school, family, friends, you must rely on your own heart. You must trust that you will make it through your rough passage and continue to hope that life will get back on a better path.
It's so each to trust and fall into the arms of a hero.
It has taken me a week to really digest this problem. I can't believe I have a slight fear of writing my feelings down the day I have them. Instead I waited.
Duncan wrote in his blog that his brother and mother will see his blog. He is scared of expressing his honesty. He's scared of being shunned. What can you do but say what is on your mind and be a little more honest with yourself.
Day 81: Dream
I had a dream of my mom sitting at a table and she says something that insults me. I tell her exactly what I have wanted to say all week.
"I need you. I need you to recognize that you simply being in my life, being present at key moments and possibly having a plan that doesn't involve me always making is so important to me. I need to now that disclosing this disease to you means that when I need you the most but can't say it, that you will pick up my sadness and just call me, just wish me hope, just send me a moment of love."
In my dreams she cries. In my dream she recognizes. In my dream I drill it in and make her cry further.
My head hurts. My eye twitches. I have all these emotions vented up and they are ready to burst.
"I need you. I need you to recognize that you simply being in my life, being present at key moments and possibly having a plan that doesn't involve me always making is so important to me. I need to now that disclosing this disease to you means that when I need you the most but can't say it, that you will pick up my sadness and just call me, just wish me hope, just send me a moment of love."
In my dreams she cries. In my dream she recognizes. In my dream I drill it in and make her cry further.
My head hurts. My eye twitches. I have all these emotions vented up and they are ready to burst.
Day 80: Counseling Fridays!
It's Friday.
I was validated with my choice and reasoning for being angry at my parents from my therapist. I also found it so funny that I can actually be mature at the right choice moments.
I didn't tell my parents when I was mad. I knew it would really drill into them that I was hurt and I would feel satisfaction in making them cry only because I was hurt. I really don't want that but - you know there is that part of you that just wants to show how hurt you were by making someone hurt with you?
I want that sometimes. Like when the guy on the freeway cuts you off, so you get in front of them and turn on your windshield wiper fluid. Or the person in line cuts in front of you and you say "excuse me but did you see the line?"
Excuse me - did you see I needed support?
I guess we can't all be psychic. Lesson learned.
If you want to get what you want you need to simply ask for it. Be direct. You may not get it but you aren't dicking around. People understand what you need and will either get mad or figure out how to get it for you. Or just tell you no.
I hate being told I can't do something. I know that it's possible, I know that our lives would be better if I am happier!
No Paul no!
I was validated with my choice and reasoning for being angry at my parents from my therapist. I also found it so funny that I can actually be mature at the right choice moments.
I didn't tell my parents when I was mad. I knew it would really drill into them that I was hurt and I would feel satisfaction in making them cry only because I was hurt. I really don't want that but - you know there is that part of you that just wants to show how hurt you were by making someone hurt with you?
I want that sometimes. Like when the guy on the freeway cuts you off, so you get in front of them and turn on your windshield wiper fluid. Or the person in line cuts in front of you and you say "excuse me but did you see the line?"
Excuse me - did you see I needed support?
I guess we can't all be psychic. Lesson learned.
If you want to get what you want you need to simply ask for it. Be direct. You may not get it but you aren't dicking around. People understand what you need and will either get mad or figure out how to get it for you. Or just tell you no.
I hate being told I can't do something. I know that it's possible, I know that our lives would be better if I am happier!
No Paul no!
Day 79: Ukulele Heaven
My friend Ben came in town. We sat on the couch and jammed with my guitar and Ukulele. Why do college moments have to stop?
Do you remember when your friends would gather for late night shenanigans? Music jams, chorizo and eggs, shots, movies, deviant behavior, grocery shopping in pj's, sushi, simple happy activities?
Do you remember when your friends would gather for late night shenanigans? Music jams, chorizo and eggs, shots, movies, deviant behavior, grocery shopping in pj's, sushi, simple happy activities?
Day 78: Chocolate Moonlit Beach
I went for a walk on the beach tonight. I spent the evening at the Hotel Del. I sipped hot chocolate and sat on the edge of the beach listening to the sounds of the shore and holiday tunes.
The moon was full and is continuing to beam down the bright reflections of the sun. The waves are refracting the light on the white tips. They ride to shore to their final destination.
I don't get out enough to enjoy these moments. Why? What's my excuse for this?
The moon was full and is continuing to beam down the bright reflections of the sun. The waves are refracting the light on the white tips. They ride to shore to their final destination.
I don't get out enough to enjoy these moments. Why? What's my excuse for this?
Day 77: Eye Twitch
My eye is twitching. It twitches when I am stressed. I'm not talking about final stressed or financial stressed - we're talking about a combination of physical, emotional and social stress. I am stressed to communicate with my parents without being angry. I am stressed about possibly finding a new job closer to my house so that I can support my sister. I am stressed that the quarter is coming to a close and my duties as advisor are lagging. I am stressed with this recording session and the quality of the sound.
Oh and add in the financial stress and home life - reorder, reorganizing, and finding peace and centering.
I need to run more.
Oh and add in the financial stress and home life - reorder, reorganizing, and finding peace and centering.
I need to run more.
Day 76: Frustration and Decongestion
I was mad the rest of Sunday and today.
There are rare moments when I can’t deal with frustrations and so I shut down. I really do it in the most polite way possible. My roommate attempted to cheer me up and I told him to back off. I didn’t plan on sharing any of my frustrations and that meant I didn’t want anyone to ask. It wasn’t that I wanted to vent, it was more that I wanted to decompress on my own terms and find the core of the problem.
Through friends and some searching I came to the conclusion that no matter what my parents could give me monetarily, I didn’t want that. I wanted them to be present.
The only way to achieve this is to tell them directly.
I think I was scared to tell them they disappointed me. For all the support they have given, I feel like telling them that they let me down would be a selfish thing.
There are rare moments when I can’t deal with frustrations and so I shut down. I really do it in the most polite way possible. My roommate attempted to cheer me up and I told him to back off. I didn’t plan on sharing any of my frustrations and that meant I didn’t want anyone to ask. It wasn’t that I wanted to vent, it was more that I wanted to decompress on my own terms and find the core of the problem.
Through friends and some searching I came to the conclusion that no matter what my parents could give me monetarily, I didn’t want that. I wanted them to be present.
The only way to achieve this is to tell them directly.
I think I was scared to tell them they disappointed me. For all the support they have given, I feel like telling them that they let me down would be a selfish thing.
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