I spent nine and a half hours today attending the San Diego Pride Leadership Academy. The entire day included presentations and ice breakers all involving leadership training in association with the events held all year that Pride San Diego sponsors. This includes volunteer events, walks, clubs and of course Pride.
Somehow I influenced the entire day! During the morning we went around and listed all the things that inspire us or we love about Pride. People talked about the community, the altruism, sense of inclusion, education. All of these were put on poster paper that was stuck to the wall for the entire day. When it came to me I said "I am really inspired how every year I look around and see the efforts people put into their hot underwear." Hot Underwear was put on the list. Every time a speaker came in they all made a comment about the Hot Underwear, to which everyone pointed to me!
In another activity we listed the things we feel are needed for good customer service. I read off the answers in my group which included the last one which I included - "Sexy voice." The leadership directors asked me about my sexy voice and for the rest of the day everyone asked about my sexy voice!
There was a lot of information and of the 18 participants, I caused laughter throughout the day even when I didn't say or do anything. I had a couple of people show off their hot underwear.
At the end of the training we all went around and said something we learned and something we would take with us. Each person held on to a piece of yarn from a ball and then threw the yarn to the next person. I heard one memory after another. I just didn't feel like I had anything that I really felt so wonderful about. There were some really good techniques I picked up but I couldn't think of anything specific. I was second to last picked. When I was thrown the ball of yarn I understood what I took from this experience. I looked at everyone and basically said that after thinking about the entire day it was really a great opportunity to have all these people come speak who were all part of the GLBT community. It was a great opportunity and resource to have for us. It also was great because I felt that the activities and everything we didn't wasn't just about being gay or part of the GLBT community. It made me feel like everything we did was completely normal. This included every speaker talking about their partners (spouses for those that are part of the many in California that did manage to get a wedding license) to jokes about having "gay" disabilities. For once I didn't feel like being gay meant being abnormal.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Day 38: Concentration?
I went to my therapist and talked about my lack of concentration. I feel like I am emotionally drained at work and in life and that it's really reflecting in my work.
I talked about the possibility to take medication to help level things out for a while until I can feel like I have a grasp on organization.
I am giving myself two weeks. I am putting more focus on the cataloging of my projects and activities instead of rushing off to get them done.
My next challenge is to spend the next couple of weeks getting my house, work and everything back online. Of course it's normal for people to lose track when faced with news of a disease. I don't feel like that that is a good enough excuse. I also think that I have been over saturated with information. I am going to plateau with information for a while and try to center myself.
I talked about the possibility to take medication to help level things out for a while until I can feel like I have a grasp on organization.
I am giving myself two weeks. I am putting more focus on the cataloging of my projects and activities instead of rushing off to get them done.
My next challenge is to spend the next couple of weeks getting my house, work and everything back online. Of course it's normal for people to lose track when faced with news of a disease. I don't feel like that that is a good enough excuse. I also think that I have been over saturated with information. I am going to plateau with information for a while and try to center myself.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Day 37: Old and Gay
Have you ever wondered what happens when a trannie gets old? Ever thought about what aging lesbians and gays go through? Now that people aren't dying from HIV and AIDS what do we do with them?
I was excited to read that the Department of Health and Human Services is establishing a center to distribute grant money to aid the aging homosexual population. It's not much but it's a start.
It's not until recently that the idea of caring for elderly GLBTHOMO's has been dealt with. Why? Probably because there were no old homosexuals before stonewall. Sort of like there were no Indians in North America until Columbus came.
Elderly Mos are continually discriminated against. Nursing homes have a lack of knowledge and understanding on how to deal with mos. Further more, nursing home populations tend to discriminate and harass those that choose to out themselves.
It seems very sad that the people that started the fight for gay rights and happiness are still fighting to their last days.
HRC on Aging
I was excited to read that the Department of Health and Human Services is establishing a center to distribute grant money to aid the aging homosexual population. It's not much but it's a start.
It's not until recently that the idea of caring for elderly GLBTHOMO's has been dealt with. Why? Probably because there were no old homosexuals before stonewall. Sort of like there were no Indians in North America until Columbus came.
Elderly Mos are continually discriminated against. Nursing homes have a lack of knowledge and understanding on how to deal with mos. Further more, nursing home populations tend to discriminate and harass those that choose to out themselves.
It seems very sad that the people that started the fight for gay rights and happiness are still fighting to their last days.
HRC on Aging
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Day 36: Butterflies & Oprah
There are 20 butterflies in my stomach playing roller derby. Next they are going to play rugby and then finish the day off with wrestling and Ultimate Fighting.
I am nervous about telling my parents. I don't know how I will do it or when. It's not that I am scared to tell them, it's just that I, well let's talk about Oprah.
Last night I came home and decided to eat dinner and watch Oprah. BAD Idea! I haven't watched Oprah for months. I usually watch the first 2 seconds and if it's about some wife abuse or depressing situation that doesn't really concern me, then I turn it off. If it's about making over your room - I am there!
Yesterday's episode of Oprah involved a few women. All of them were out of marriages and all of them were dating the same guy roughly around the same time, without knowing of each other. Yeah I know women who trust a stupid guy. Well it gets juicier. The guy had HIV and infected countless women. He was sentenced to prison and these group of women on Oprah have been searching the countless women that may not know they are infected.
For most of the episode Oprah discussed the guy. For brief moments we caught glimpses into the lives of these women who are living with HIV. I looked at these women who have told their families and are so crushed by that "One stupid mistake."
I told my sister about this and she burst into tears, as did I.
The profiling of this disease has increased to housewives, the African-American community and retirement communities. Yes - old people are contracting HIV and not realizing it. Once it enters into a small communities, it spreads through the loins.
I don't feel anxious to tell my parents, I just know it's going to be a challenge that will take a lot of energy.
I hope I don't barf. (pause) Too late!!
I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to know what happens after HIV for these women. One of the women has been dating a negative man for a while and Oprah asked if you could kiss him. WHAT?! Oprah! NO! I wrote into Oprah and said will you please do a show about how it is possible for an HIV neg and HIV positive person to have a healthy relationship in and out of the bedroom? If Oprah doesn't know about the boundaries, I wonder how many other people are not informed? I was.
I am nervous about telling my parents. I don't know how I will do it or when. It's not that I am scared to tell them, it's just that I, well let's talk about Oprah.
Last night I came home and decided to eat dinner and watch Oprah. BAD Idea! I haven't watched Oprah for months. I usually watch the first 2 seconds and if it's about some wife abuse or depressing situation that doesn't really concern me, then I turn it off. If it's about making over your room - I am there!
Yesterday's episode of Oprah involved a few women. All of them were out of marriages and all of them were dating the same guy roughly around the same time, without knowing of each other. Yeah I know women who trust a stupid guy. Well it gets juicier. The guy had HIV and infected countless women. He was sentenced to prison and these group of women on Oprah have been searching the countless women that may not know they are infected.
For most of the episode Oprah discussed the guy. For brief moments we caught glimpses into the lives of these women who are living with HIV. I looked at these women who have told their families and are so crushed by that "One stupid mistake."
I told my sister about this and she burst into tears, as did I.
The profiling of this disease has increased to housewives, the African-American community and retirement communities. Yes - old people are contracting HIV and not realizing it. Once it enters into a small communities, it spreads through the loins.
I don't feel anxious to tell my parents, I just know it's going to be a challenge that will take a lot of energy.
I hope I don't barf. (pause) Too late!!
I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to know what happens after HIV for these women. One of the women has been dating a negative man for a while and Oprah asked if you could kiss him. WHAT?! Oprah! NO! I wrote into Oprah and said will you please do a show about how it is possible for an HIV neg and HIV positive person to have a healthy relationship in and out of the bedroom? If Oprah doesn't know about the boundaries, I wonder how many other people are not informed? I was.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Day 35: Traffic Windows
If you want a perfect example of life, try driving on the freeway.
You have a start and finish. There are places along the road that can be dense with cars. Some places can have little or no traffic. The way people drive can vary, depending on their spacial abilities and tasks at hand. Stress and highway hypnosis can bend the travel time duration. When lost in thought 100 miles can feel like 10.
You have a watchful eye for stupid people. You check for policia. You monitor the cars in front of you as well as the activity that is ahead. You constantly look back to make sure things are ok.
Watching traffic, you can determine when windows of opportunity will happen. As unpredictable as drivers are, at some point there seems to be gaps that form. Either you take that window and merge or you stay put.
Sometimes these windows open up, and for the most part lead you to a better route. Sometimes you wait and find the window was just a dead end. You have to be patient and observant to know if the traffic window is the right choice. You also have to be ready to jump into the opportunity and take advantage or else you might be left behind.
Some people arrive at their destination early. Some later than expected. Some barely leave the house while some never make it.
There are accidents, citations, car troubles, rain, lightning, wind and many other disturbances that can unexpectedly get in the way. You keep going. Sometimes you pull over and rest. Sometimes you say "Fuck you tornado, we're staying put" or "damn you fog why do you have to be so thick and moist!"
Some people drive drunk, others drive on medication. Some keep pushing through even though they are sick. Others have clear heads but lack specific driving skills.
The risk of death is high when driving but yet you still partake in the activity. Why? Because you get a thrill. A rush from driving. A chance to feel in control when really you are barely able to hold on.
You have a start and finish. There are places along the road that can be dense with cars. Some places can have little or no traffic. The way people drive can vary, depending on their spacial abilities and tasks at hand. Stress and highway hypnosis can bend the travel time duration. When lost in thought 100 miles can feel like 10.
You have a watchful eye for stupid people. You check for policia. You monitor the cars in front of you as well as the activity that is ahead. You constantly look back to make sure things are ok.
Watching traffic, you can determine when windows of opportunity will happen. As unpredictable as drivers are, at some point there seems to be gaps that form. Either you take that window and merge or you stay put.
Sometimes these windows open up, and for the most part lead you to a better route. Sometimes you wait and find the window was just a dead end. You have to be patient and observant to know if the traffic window is the right choice. You also have to be ready to jump into the opportunity and take advantage or else you might be left behind.
Some people arrive at their destination early. Some later than expected. Some barely leave the house while some never make it.
There are accidents, citations, car troubles, rain, lightning, wind and many other disturbances that can unexpectedly get in the way. You keep going. Sometimes you pull over and rest. Sometimes you say "Fuck you tornado, we're staying put" or "damn you fog why do you have to be so thick and moist!"
Some people drive drunk, others drive on medication. Some keep pushing through even though they are sick. Others have clear heads but lack specific driving skills.
The risk of death is high when driving but yet you still partake in the activity. Why? Because you get a thrill. A rush from driving. A chance to feel in control when really you are barely able to hold on.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Day 34: The Day My Pal Goes Home
Morning: It is morning. I kissed the Pal and left him in bed. I showered alone. I made breakfast alone. I gathered my things. He came downstairs and gave me a kiss goodbye. I went to work.
Late Morning: I am at work. Things are busy. I worry that the Pal isn't entertained or is bored or feels neglected. I text him to make sure things are ok.
Early Afternoon: It's lunchtime. My Pal walked around the HC and had a bite to eat. I have been feeding the body food and water in hopes that I don't succumb to a headache or attitude because of lack of nutrition.
End of Work Day: I have been working so hard all day that I preoccupied my mind. I stopped thinking about everything except for the task at hand. I think the supplements have been helpful with this. I notice my headaches aren't as frequent. I am leaving work at 3:40 and get to spend an extra hour with the Pal. I sent him a text saying I know I failed at a few things and I want to know what he wants before he leaves.
Home: We hugged. We kissed. We ate nachos and had two margaritas each!
Evening Flight: I took the round-about way to the airport. We drove through Banker's Hill and saw a panoramic view of the bay. We paused the car in the middle of the street as a plant flew over us. I took him around the bay and used my amazing skills to find a curb side opening among the cluster--fuck of cars. I turned to him and for the first time I had an "airport" kiss. I had one of those kisses where someone was leaving on a jet plane. I smiled. He got out of the car. The elderly couple standing on the curb kept staring at me. I smiled and drove off. As I left I thought about our weekend.
Our weekend was filled with watching movies and cuddling, going out for hockey games, frozen yogurt, a bar. We took a dog for a walk, bought bread, made breakfast. We curled up to South Park and Family Guy. We made a poor man's lunch scraping from the miscellaneous scraps from around the house. We tickled and wrestled. We laughed a lot. We slept in too late, got up too early, stayed out past our bedtime and curled to a movie falling asleep half naked in the living room. We pondered all weekend how to pay back our friend that made this weekend possible. In fact we've thought a lot about it, coming up with every devious idea that would make him grin.
I drove home. I thought about how wonderful it was. I also thought about how at ease I felt. I remember watching family guy last night and hearing someone get AIDS again. As I drove away I thought about that. I thought "I have HIV. I am just a guy who can get it like the rest. I am no different from anyone else. I'm still that guy who can have a fun adorable weekend. I am still that guy that wants to be loved and return it with a heartfelt way. Sex might be a little more detailed but shouldn't it be anyways?"
As I drove home I realized HIV doesn't have to complicate relationships as much as you think. I don't have to feel that loneliness. I don't have to fear. I don't have to feel that drop in my stomach every time someone mentions HIV on TV, in a movie, in casual conversation. Each time I see a Mama's Kitchen poster, job working for the HIV Clinic or any other association with HIV I don't have to feel like scum because that's just the little voice on the left side lingering. It's just a voice in my head making me feel bad. Nothing more. I can't let that voice feed me guilt and frustration. I can't let it make me feel bad.
I deserve to still have a life. I deserve to be with anyone who says I am a wonderful individual and accepts me for all parts. I deserve to live a happy life. I deserve to treat myself well and accept the pain and pleasure. I deserve to be.
Bedtime
Late Morning: I am at work. Things are busy. I worry that the Pal isn't entertained or is bored or feels neglected. I text him to make sure things are ok.
Early Afternoon: It's lunchtime. My Pal walked around the HC and had a bite to eat. I have been feeding the body food and water in hopes that I don't succumb to a headache or attitude because of lack of nutrition.
End of Work Day: I have been working so hard all day that I preoccupied my mind. I stopped thinking about everything except for the task at hand. I think the supplements have been helpful with this. I notice my headaches aren't as frequent. I am leaving work at 3:40 and get to spend an extra hour with the Pal. I sent him a text saying I know I failed at a few things and I want to know what he wants before he leaves.
Home: We hugged. We kissed. We ate nachos and had two margaritas each!
Evening Flight: I took the round-about way to the airport. We drove through Banker's Hill and saw a panoramic view of the bay. We paused the car in the middle of the street as a plant flew over us. I took him around the bay and used my amazing skills to find a curb side opening among the cluster--fuck of cars. I turned to him and for the first time I had an "airport" kiss. I had one of those kisses where someone was leaving on a jet plane. I smiled. He got out of the car. The elderly couple standing on the curb kept staring at me. I smiled and drove off. As I left I thought about our weekend.
Our weekend was filled with watching movies and cuddling, going out for hockey games, frozen yogurt, a bar. We took a dog for a walk, bought bread, made breakfast. We curled up to South Park and Family Guy. We made a poor man's lunch scraping from the miscellaneous scraps from around the house. We tickled and wrestled. We laughed a lot. We slept in too late, got up too early, stayed out past our bedtime and curled to a movie falling asleep half naked in the living room. We pondered all weekend how to pay back our friend that made this weekend possible. In fact we've thought a lot about it, coming up with every devious idea that would make him grin.
I drove home. I thought about how wonderful it was. I also thought about how at ease I felt. I remember watching family guy last night and hearing someone get AIDS again. As I drove away I thought about that. I thought "I have HIV. I am just a guy who can get it like the rest. I am no different from anyone else. I'm still that guy who can have a fun adorable weekend. I am still that guy that wants to be loved and return it with a heartfelt way. Sex might be a little more detailed but shouldn't it be anyways?"
As I drove home I realized HIV doesn't have to complicate relationships as much as you think. I don't have to feel that loneliness. I don't have to fear. I don't have to feel that drop in my stomach every time someone mentions HIV on TV, in a movie, in casual conversation. Each time I see a Mama's Kitchen poster, job working for the HIV Clinic or any other association with HIV I don't have to feel like scum because that's just the little voice on the left side lingering. It's just a voice in my head making me feel bad. Nothing more. I can't let that voice feed me guilt and frustration. I can't let it make me feel bad.
I deserve to still have a life. I deserve to be with anyone who says I am a wonderful individual and accepts me for all parts. I deserve to live a happy life. I deserve to treat myself well and accept the pain and pleasure. I deserve to be.
Bedtime
Day 33: Is It Age, Fear or Healing?
Every night since the Pal has been here I have promised sex. I have gotten aroused and excited and every night I get sleepy. It's not just sleepy, many times I just want to be with him. We've had sex a couple of times - once each morning. It's not as frequent as the last time he was down or I was up there. I wonder why my libido is so low. Why am I not putting out? Why am I so tired?
I keep asking myself am I scared? Am I getting old and tired? I'm not that different from when he visited me last time. Granted I have this emotional cloud over me that I am trying to clear up.
I wonder if maybe I just need a simple touch. Maybe I just need an intimate hug. I think about sex but I am not needing it as much. Why?
Why? It's the question I have been asking myself all weekend. Why haven't we done it multiple times a day? Why haven't we been in the shower and bedroom and living room and beach and park making out, and doing it. Why do I turn around and see his hard penis and think "cool" and then think question if I want sex? Should it even be a question?
I know many guys that stop having sex after they find out. There is a fear. There is a mode of insecurity. There is the fear of loving again or feeling worthy to be loved.
I am worrying to much and it's hard not to.
I worry that my low libido is making it hard for him. I should take it back, my libido isn't so much lowered, it's the way to please the body that has changed.
He spent a good 30 minutes massaging my knees and feet. All I could think about was what this was doing to my body. I thought about the chemicals released to aid my body. Each touch brought a sense of comfort and content to my soul. All clothes were on yet the simple touch to me seemed greater than the work up to an orgasm.
I need touch. I feel selfish. I owe him a massage. I fell asleep again last night.
I woke up about 2am. I watched him sleeping. He seemed content. I wanted to wake him up in a ravenous state of passion but I declined because the peace in that moment seemed so gratifying. I watched him a little more.
I pulled him into me, like a little spoon. I held him. I fell back asleep with him in my arms.
I fear the lack of sex might hinder things. Maybe time will pep it back up. I fear that my crazy libido is gone. I think about that. It's not gone. It's curled up taking a nap. My libido needs rest. My libido needs happy dreams. And when it wakes up it will be in a happy healthier state. Ready to feel the carnal cravings along side the intimate love and caress it so longs for.
I keep asking myself am I scared? Am I getting old and tired? I'm not that different from when he visited me last time. Granted I have this emotional cloud over me that I am trying to clear up.
I wonder if maybe I just need a simple touch. Maybe I just need an intimate hug. I think about sex but I am not needing it as much. Why?
Why? It's the question I have been asking myself all weekend. Why haven't we done it multiple times a day? Why haven't we been in the shower and bedroom and living room and beach and park making out, and doing it. Why do I turn around and see his hard penis and think "cool" and then think question if I want sex? Should it even be a question?
I know many guys that stop having sex after they find out. There is a fear. There is a mode of insecurity. There is the fear of loving again or feeling worthy to be loved.
I am worrying to much and it's hard not to.
I worry that my low libido is making it hard for him. I should take it back, my libido isn't so much lowered, it's the way to please the body that has changed.
He spent a good 30 minutes massaging my knees and feet. All I could think about was what this was doing to my body. I thought about the chemicals released to aid my body. Each touch brought a sense of comfort and content to my soul. All clothes were on yet the simple touch to me seemed greater than the work up to an orgasm.
I need touch. I feel selfish. I owe him a massage. I fell asleep again last night.
I woke up about 2am. I watched him sleeping. He seemed content. I wanted to wake him up in a ravenous state of passion but I declined because the peace in that moment seemed so gratifying. I watched him a little more.
I pulled him into me, like a little spoon. I held him. I fell back asleep with him in my arms.
I fear the lack of sex might hinder things. Maybe time will pep it back up. I fear that my crazy libido is gone. I think about that. It's not gone. It's curled up taking a nap. My libido needs rest. My libido needs happy dreams. And when it wakes up it will be in a happy healthier state. Ready to feel the carnal cravings along side the intimate love and caress it so longs for.
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