When I read that Jerry Brown and Arnold both elected to continue issuing marriage license to gays, etc. despite if a stay would be put in place, I felt human. I felt like I was able to do something I wasn't permitted to do only because I was living life. In fact I felt a layer of anxiety lifted off my soul because I know that I have been given permission to live my life how I want to.
In fact, I think I feel more oppressed as a person who is attracted to the same sex as opposed to someone who is vacationing with a semi-public stigma.
When I watched testimony that homosexuals are vectors for disease, all I could think about was "Really? If that were true then maybe there wouldn't be so much hate and conflict among homosexuals. Maybe there wouldn't be so many gay men fearful to have a relationship or just befriend someone with HIV because they might just get to close."
That never bothered me.
When I heard that gay marriage would lead to prostitution all I could think about was how many escorts and performers of the late late evening are probably a little more cautious about transmission rates compared to the population in general. If prostitution was legal, maybe people lurking at night online wouldn't find themselves making poor choices and saying, "Hmmm my libido is high But you have a huge heart." And when I say heart I mean penis. At 1am your heart, mind, body and soul are all controlled by the penis. This of course only works for gay men because lesbians have fallen asleep cuddling with the woman they met at happy hour and getting ready to go get their marriage certificate.
What bothered me is that I felt no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much hope I had I would always look at history, at society, at the adulterated research and see I can never have what I could always want, a relationship where I felt complete. I couldn't even have second place, which is a proposal from a Trannie.
And now?
Now I can have it and with the second chance that opportunity is available, it increases the wavering hope from before and focuses it on a pathway to happiness. For once I feel like there is hope that I can what makes me feel happy.
Why do we need permission to be happy? Why do we have to fight for it?
I wonder if I valued relationships, love, if I was taught that I could have what I wanted instead of taking forth place and following a choice that seemed better than being withdrawn and alone then maybe I would have been able to ask for what I wanted. Maybe I could have waited longer. Maybe I would still be a virgin. Maybe!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Day 224: Oh My Father was a Therapist, Was A Therapist, was a therapist . . .
A mighty fine the rapist was he. All day long he'd give some advice, give some advice, give some advice, and when he'd come home . . . he'd tell you that there is a come around to this!
It's been 6 months. Today I feel so much better since I last blogged on here. Why? Who knows, it could be several reasons. What are they? Well I can't tell you quite yet, but I can advise you on generalizations!
If you find yourself (And this is focused at you who is now reading it as generalized possible ways of coping for many freaky deakie things happening in the world) losing weight and gaining muscle, diminishing stress, and smiling a lot more because of several factors (spending a lot more time at the gym, riding a bike for 20 - 40 miles, running, swimming, eating well, discovering the core reason to your anxiety, removing yourself from factors that can increase anxiety, yoga, meditation, local fresh produce from farms, teaching blind people martial arts, using your hands to build, surrounding yourself with friends and family, discovering what bothers your mother and father deep down inside, having a live virus go in your body only to discover your levels of tcells and viral load stay pretty fucking low, having people tell you good job, having people thanking you for helping them figure out their own fears, saying fuck you to your fears, picking blueberries and blackberries, presiding over your friends wedding), then it's probably a good thing you chose the path to change.
Now for what's happening in my life. At the moment I am just grateful to wake up and be able to acknowledge that I am happy.
Now for the fun stuff. At this point in my life I realize that I have given my parents all the resources they need help them cope and understand who I am as a person. I found out from my mom that she does not accept me being "gay" and that she blames herself. This makes me realize maybe I shouldn't have got the hivs. In fact I am going to see my doctor and tell her, you know what my mom doesn't like this hivs job thing that I got. Can you do the surgeries to change it back?
If only life were that easy. If only people were more accepting. If only people would listen to more Sondheim and abide by the advice in his lyrics.
How do I respond? Well 6 months ago I would have been searching for every way to ameliorate my mother's stress. Today I realize I have given my parents all the resources they could possibly need, including inviting them to my therapist, appointments and life, so that they can see who I am as a person and not as this mysterious "gay" thing. I hate labels. I don't see myself as a gay man. But my parents are quick to point out these stigmas. I should say my mom is more than my dad.
My dad recognizes his traditional backgrounds and is open to change. He doesn't understand it (my advice to try it you might like it didn't seem to help his comprehension) but he continues to accept that he has a pretty kick ass son.
And yes I did find myself accidentally getting a measles vaccination with a live virus and well, my tcells went down, my viral load was 132 then 300. Almost doubled. But still under the millions! I think my next labs will show two things. 1. If my viral load goes up, then i might be half human. 2. If my viral load goes down and my tcells stay in the 500 - 600s, then yes Virginia, I am Superman.
I wish my parents would accept that their son is Superman, or at least half the man. Superman was so gay. Yes he did get married, but so do most gay men, living the life of Clark Kent at home and dressing up in skin tight clothing at night.
So I asked my mom to come to a therapy appointment. She said no. I talked with my dad and he was disappointed in my mom. He even told her that if I had asked him to go to his therapy appointment, he would have dropped everything and went because he understands that's the support and parenting I need. I need a family, friends, a hug, and most importantly, bike shorts that don't make my junk lose all feeling.
It's been 6 months. Today I feel so much better since I last blogged on here. Why? Who knows, it could be several reasons. What are they? Well I can't tell you quite yet, but I can advise you on generalizations!
If you find yourself (And this is focused at you who is now reading it as generalized possible ways of coping for many freaky deakie things happening in the world) losing weight and gaining muscle, diminishing stress, and smiling a lot more because of several factors (spending a lot more time at the gym, riding a bike for 20 - 40 miles, running, swimming, eating well, discovering the core reason to your anxiety, removing yourself from factors that can increase anxiety, yoga, meditation, local fresh produce from farms, teaching blind people martial arts, using your hands to build, surrounding yourself with friends and family, discovering what bothers your mother and father deep down inside, having a live virus go in your body only to discover your levels of tcells and viral load stay pretty fucking low, having people tell you good job, having people thanking you for helping them figure out their own fears, saying fuck you to your fears, picking blueberries and blackberries, presiding over your friends wedding), then it's probably a good thing you chose the path to change.
Now for what's happening in my life. At the moment I am just grateful to wake up and be able to acknowledge that I am happy.
Now for the fun stuff. At this point in my life I realize that I have given my parents all the resources they need help them cope and understand who I am as a person. I found out from my mom that she does not accept me being "gay" and that she blames herself. This makes me realize maybe I shouldn't have got the hivs. In fact I am going to see my doctor and tell her, you know what my mom doesn't like this hivs job thing that I got. Can you do the surgeries to change it back?
If only life were that easy. If only people were more accepting. If only people would listen to more Sondheim and abide by the advice in his lyrics.
How do I respond? Well 6 months ago I would have been searching for every way to ameliorate my mother's stress. Today I realize I have given my parents all the resources they could possibly need, including inviting them to my therapist, appointments and life, so that they can see who I am as a person and not as this mysterious "gay" thing. I hate labels. I don't see myself as a gay man. But my parents are quick to point out these stigmas. I should say my mom is more than my dad.
My dad recognizes his traditional backgrounds and is open to change. He doesn't understand it (my advice to try it you might like it didn't seem to help his comprehension) but he continues to accept that he has a pretty kick ass son.
And yes I did find myself accidentally getting a measles vaccination with a live virus and well, my tcells went down, my viral load was 132 then 300. Almost doubled. But still under the millions! I think my next labs will show two things. 1. If my viral load goes up, then i might be half human. 2. If my viral load goes down and my tcells stay in the 500 - 600s, then yes Virginia, I am Superman.
I wish my parents would accept that their son is Superman, or at least half the man. Superman was so gay. Yes he did get married, but so do most gay men, living the life of Clark Kent at home and dressing up in skin tight clothing at night.
So I asked my mom to come to a therapy appointment. She said no. I talked with my dad and he was disappointed in my mom. He even told her that if I had asked him to go to his therapy appointment, he would have dropped everything and went because he understands that's the support and parenting I need. I need a family, friends, a hug, and most importantly, bike shorts that don't make my junk lose all feeling.
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