I never make New Years resolutions. Why? Gradual change. It's hard to keep a habit going if you don't implement gradual change into the behavior. A resolution feels like an abrupt change in your lifestyle, to the point that you enter it without easing into it.
Do you think about how you will change? What behaviors need to be modified? Do you feel that change should occur immediately after the ball drops? What if you don't meet the high standards put on you? Do you feel of failure? Do you stop? Do you restart the following year?
I made a pact with myself after I found out I had HIV. It just so happens that pact would be introduced after 3-4 months since finding out.
I made a deeper fitness pact with myself.
Since finding out I knew that things would be intense. I gave myself space and thought of the things that really are important to survival.
According to the World Health Organization, there are three components to health and with the increase in each you, you become a healthier person. Unfortunately you have to have balanced increase otherwise you plateau. The three elements are mental, physical and social. As the WHO states health is "a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity."
Here is my thought of each health areas.
Mental well-being is about finding that core emotional state of yourself. It's about finding what makes you unique, exploring strengths and weaknesses and then finding the way to provide a centering and perfect balance so that any disruptions will only sway you. Mental well-being is about discovering your weaknesses and improving them. When you are at a better mental well-being failure is only a lesson that you will progress from.
Physical well-being is about bringing out the inner and outer stud/sex kitten. It's pretty simple, eat well, exercise, and manage your stress. Cardio fitness is only one part. Stretching, weight training, nutrition and being kind to your body are the components to this area. When injury happens (or a late night of drinking and dancing) your body will be available for faster and stronger repair.
Social well-being is all about the networks you surround yourself with. This area is all about figuring out who is there to support you, who you need to aid in the over all improvement of yourself. This area is strong when you have reliable friends and family to see that your improvement leads a healthier happier progression.
My focus on the last few months have been more on the social and mental area. I have been working out a few days a week which is more than none but less than my optimum. That's ok. Why? You can't over do all three areas. You have to know where you are in each area and make slow progressions to increase each one. All of these areas go up and down. It's nature - not all of us can be Gods. Even they had problems!
I knew when I got this that I couldn't handle it all. Now I am at a point where I feel secure and strong growth in my personal centering as well as the people that give me support. Now it's time to improve the vessel that lets this lame ass squatter stay free of charge.
How am I going to do this?
Slow commitment to myself, and increasing the priority I deserve. Yoga teaches us to love our mind, body and soul exactly where it is. Each day is different. One day you are flexible, the next you can't move. I make this pact to love myself at this point and to make appointments with myself to increase the relationship in the physical realm.
I have been eating nutritiously and I have been taking steps to decrease my stress. Now it's time to find a work out plan, a menu for stretching and moments when I can increase my cardio health.
I possess the tools to do this. Now it's about honoring the pact and making the steps in a slow secure growth.
It starts. It starts now.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 109: haPpy Ew year N bItcheS
Its a new year. I was dancing till 3 am. I had a mediocre day yesterday that flowed into a great evening. I found myself staring up at the moon thanking it for the shimmer so many people would see. I looked up in gratitude and hop that 2010 would provoke a better change in my life and that I would find a better meaning.
I slept for the rest of the day. My roommate came home around 130. I am appreciative that he brought me food, water and we cleaned the house and played monopoly. The best post new year's cure is being productive and low key the day after!
Lo! the moon ascending!
Up from the East,
the silvery round moon;
Beautiful over the house-tops,
ghastly, phantom moon;
Immense and silent moon.
~Walt Whitman
I slept for the rest of the day. My roommate came home around 130. I am appreciative that he brought me food, water and we cleaned the house and played monopoly. The best post new year's cure is being productive and low key the day after!
Lo! the moon ascending!
Up from the East,
the silvery round moon;
Beautiful over the house-tops,
ghastly, phantom moon;
Immense and silent moon.
~Walt Whitman
Day 108: No Job
I received a letter today saying I didn't receive the job. WTF I was supposed to know two weeks ago. It was bad enough they were 15 minutes late to my interview, the main doctor clipped his nails during my interview and now the delay in notification. Oye. I hope next year is better.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Day 107: Emma Thompson and Meryl Streep Made Out
I watched Angels in America again (hence the title). I really love the movie adapted from the play. How can something so terrible and terrifying create a work of art that is inspiring and gives you love and hope?
Isn't that what artists do? They capture terror, disease, war and remind us how horrible it is and that death is a fact of life but how we live will determine how happy we are.
I think about the beauty in this play, or Vaughan Williams Dona Nobis Pacem, or many other pieces created from the opposition of world war I and many other wars.
I am regrouping and I am finding peace. I am finding a way to grant myself peace.
There is still no word from the job but I am not letting that bother me. Right now I am giving myself peace and letting myself enjoy the love that is surrounding me.
I have a block of time that I am eliminating all war, hate, unjust and re-energizing myself for the battles to come.
Isn't that what artists do? They capture terror, disease, war and remind us how horrible it is and that death is a fact of life but how we live will determine how happy we are.
I think about the beauty in this play, or Vaughan Williams Dona Nobis Pacem, or many other pieces created from the opposition of world war I and many other wars.
I am regrouping and I am finding peace. I am finding a way to grant myself peace.
There is still no word from the job but I am not letting that bother me. Right now I am giving myself peace and letting myself enjoy the love that is surrounding me.
I have a block of time that I am eliminating all war, hate, unjust and re-energizing myself for the battles to come.
Day 106: Mommy and Me
I realize with assertion comes accountability. Ensuring you are keeping yourself responsible with friends and family.
You must recognize the times to be stoic and the times to speak your mind. When you speak your mind you need to ensure that you communicate in a way that isn't hurtful but still expresses your feelings. You also need to know your own truth.
My mom and I have been communicating more via chat. I feel like I should be saying things verbally, however I realize we need to take things in steps. My mom needs a few steps. I am working with her on getting a therapist and letting her know how important it is to her and my sister that she take time for her self. I remind her how amazing she is and how she has inspired my sister and I. She continues to lose herself and now is the time to find it.
I try to reassure to her that therapy isn't just for depression or anxiety, it's a tool to help you come to terms with who you are and find the ways to improve yourself. And to do it with someone that can be objective and also give you lessons in communication.
I am steps closer to getting help for her. I say help, really she needs someone to tell her problems to other than my dad.
She wants to be a better person, more active, fit, outgoing but can't figure out why she isn't improving. My dad is a great guy for advise but he's to close to her and she needs an outside resource.
I hope my mom doesn't turn into a monster!
Part of the conversations I had with my mom were about HIV and how I got it. I typed openly and freely to her about it and explained my current tests. She said sh figured out after chatting with my dad what I had. She went to work and cried.
There it was. My fear. The thing that would haunt me the most about this.
And with every fear you either kick it's ass or let it eat you alive.
My mom and I talked. She told her coworker who is a good friend of hers. My mom told me that she and her coworker took and HIV/AIDS class for certification credits after that, so they could learn more about this.
My mom also told me no matter what they would always love me and be there for me.
Isn't that a great feeling? Acceptance.
I had to get a disease to become closer to my family and to understand that I won't let down.
I am lucky and fortunate to have such wonderful support.
You must recognize the times to be stoic and the times to speak your mind. When you speak your mind you need to ensure that you communicate in a way that isn't hurtful but still expresses your feelings. You also need to know your own truth.
My mom and I have been communicating more via chat. I feel like I should be saying things verbally, however I realize we need to take things in steps. My mom needs a few steps. I am working with her on getting a therapist and letting her know how important it is to her and my sister that she take time for her self. I remind her how amazing she is and how she has inspired my sister and I. She continues to lose herself and now is the time to find it.
I try to reassure to her that therapy isn't just for depression or anxiety, it's a tool to help you come to terms with who you are and find the ways to improve yourself. And to do it with someone that can be objective and also give you lessons in communication.
I am steps closer to getting help for her. I say help, really she needs someone to tell her problems to other than my dad.
She wants to be a better person, more active, fit, outgoing but can't figure out why she isn't improving. My dad is a great guy for advise but he's to close to her and she needs an outside resource.
I hope my mom doesn't turn into a monster!
Part of the conversations I had with my mom were about HIV and how I got it. I typed openly and freely to her about it and explained my current tests. She said sh figured out after chatting with my dad what I had. She went to work and cried.
There it was. My fear. The thing that would haunt me the most about this.
And with every fear you either kick it's ass or let it eat you alive.
My mom and I talked. She told her coworker who is a good friend of hers. My mom told me that she and her coworker took and HIV/AIDS class for certification credits after that, so they could learn more about this.
My mom also told me no matter what they would always love me and be there for me.
Isn't that a great feeling? Acceptance.
I had to get a disease to become closer to my family and to understand that I won't let down.
I am lucky and fortunate to have such wonderful support.
Day 105: Friendship Scale
It's Monday night and I made it back from Orange County. I got a new cell phone and I had a therapy session.
So in therapy I am working on improving my assertive skills. I applied them immediately after my session.
I am finding that I am evolving into the next plateau of maturity. I promise I will still retain the banter and inappropriate commentary - don't worry!
I feel like as I confront this disease and I work towards gaining high skills in being assertive I can't seem to be as stoic with areas that I once took in stride and scuffed off.
I encountered this over the break. My therapist talked about this, but first we talked about the layers of friendships. She asked me about this before we even started and it was because of this Friendship Scale, that she was able to point out how to deal with my situation.
We all know there are friends and acquaintances in our lives. Some people we can say penis to with out getting offended while other people might thing you are crazy. So here I present the three tiers.
First tier are acquaintances. This tier can span out into several levels, whether it be co-workers, regular party goers, people you add on facebook because you had drinks with them after a concert, or any number of people that you may or may not want to see on a regular basis.
The second tier are good friends that are in your life for a short period of time. These are the people who you have maybe a few months to a few years of support and friendship. These are the people that might move away but you may or may not see them again. Sometimes they can come back into your life but usually you will see a break.
The last tier are the people that you talk to or visit more than once a year. These are the people you can identify several commonalities in your life and these friendships last more than 5 - 10 years. These are the people that you have to see or you will just die. These are people that you can go a few years without seeing and when you do it feels like time hasn't past. This happens with the second tier, the difference is you actually see these people more frequently.
There is a forth tier but very few people make it to that one. That would be your best friend, your life partner, your spouse, your children and your dog, cat or animal - people you would need therapy if they were to suddenly disappear from your life.
So why the tiers? Well when you identify which tier your friends are in then it makes it easier to understand their placement in your life and how much time you can or should invest in them. Sometimes we invest our time in the wrong people and other times we don't invest enough time for the right people.
If one of your friends did something wrong, treated you in a poor way or did something behind your back, having tiers can help determine how to deal with them in a justifiable manner.
For example a friend in tier one, if they did something bad you probably would want to eliminate them from your networks or find a clandestine way to not talk to them. Why put the energy into something that is going to end badly or lead to countless bar hours talking smack about old co-workers?
If you friend is in the second or third tier, it might be time to rethink their level of friendship in relation to how you were treated. With these it would be proper to say WTF or even drop them down a level. It's common human behavior to repeat mistakes. No sense of getting burned several times - just be prepared.
What it comes down to is this. You are amazing. I am not directing this at myself although I know I am amazing in my ridiculous quirky jackass retarded ways. Hey I know that and it's ok cause I am gay! But you? Yes you too are amazing. So why do you need to be taken advantage of? Why do you need to sacrifice your time to improve yourself, your health, your well-being for other people that aren't there to compliment your friendship and grow with you?
We all have our moments, but sometimes people aren't growing with you.
I think to have a really tight friendship you need to have 3 or more activities in common. FYI - Drinking is not an activity, it's an accessory that can be a part of all activities but the act of sitting down and drinking and starring at each other - boring and not on the list, well at least not on mine.
With that said, last Thursday I had a friend that asked me to be part of the family by participating as a Godparent. If you know how I am around kids or animals then you know how much I love them and can't wait until one day I can have my very own! They didn't have a Godfather chosen so I said I wouldn't mind. The ceremony was a short distance from Debbie's house and was on Saturday.
The first thing I did was find two wonderful chants to sing. I wanted to give the child a prayer that would be appropriate to the ceremony and also something that I would sing and really believe in the hope and love that the text speak about. I also did some online research about being a Godfather, although a lot of it was how to be like Al Pacino. I can do that! And last what to give the kid in his years to come. I was excited to be the one to send him tasty bottles of booze in his college years to accompany the soft plush items he had there kept from items given in his early years.
On Saturday morning I texted her for the address of the church. I received a text with the address and saying that the husband did not want me to be the Godfather because I would drink his port when he got older. I texted back ok and then received a text that said I hope you can still make it.
I am still baffled. My therapist and I talked about this. Ok so you talk to your spouse before making these choices, but I was in college with both of them.
Ok so you don't want me to do it make up a story that will let me down with comfort. Say your mother didn't accept the fact that I was a homosexual and it's against the catholic way . . . still hard to hear but less hurtful.
I got a couple other texts thanking me for not showing up and telling me I better fly out for the husband's birthday.
So the assertive skills came out. I texted her the entire response to how I felt and that I didn't think it was nice.
Her reasoning was that I was prematurely asked and would not be a good spiritual leader for their child. Ok maybe I don't know enough about being a Catholic or anything about dealing with children. Fair enough.
She didn't think it meant that much to me. Well of course after singing in the Catholic Church for 7 years I meant nothing I sang about to the kids receiving their baptism or first communion.
She said she didn't think I would wanted to do it anyways, that it was their son. Ok yes it's your child, accepted.
She said they didn't have a Godfather anyways. So what your are saying is you would rather have no one than me. Could you just lie and say your mom didn't want me to do it?
So what kind of friend am I to you? I wondered that.
I told my therapist that it made me question what priority I have given them and how I should handle this. How do we handle people that hurt us? Maybe they didn't realize the hurt? But after so many years, wouldn't you want someone you believe in to really be there for you and your family?
And that was it. I don't really feel the confidence. Perhaps I lost trust over the years and maybe their knowledge of me having HIV has deflected their thoughts. Who knows?
First things first. You - yes you, you should never let anyone bring you down, especially after you are disappointed. If you are then you need to let them know. If their answer is anything but I am sorry how can we fix this, then it's time to rethink your friendship.
My therapy session wasn't spent deducing the friendship tier, it was spent saying out loud, I can't just ignore this and I didn't.
I asked her when she figured out how to not insult me after hurting or offending me then maybe we could talk. In the meantime, please don't get insulted if I shy away from this friendship.
After I said this I felt better. I told a few friends and received several stories of similar situations and praises of how I will be a great dad one day and it's a sad loss for the cute kid!
We choose our friends and our friends choose us. How we want to foster friendships is a team effort. I felt like the team let me down. But why am I worried? I have lots of teams who are ready to cheer me on.
Go you! Go me! Go us!
So in therapy I am working on improving my assertive skills. I applied them immediately after my session.
I am finding that I am evolving into the next plateau of maturity. I promise I will still retain the banter and inappropriate commentary - don't worry!
I feel like as I confront this disease and I work towards gaining high skills in being assertive I can't seem to be as stoic with areas that I once took in stride and scuffed off.
I encountered this over the break. My therapist talked about this, but first we talked about the layers of friendships. She asked me about this before we even started and it was because of this Friendship Scale, that she was able to point out how to deal with my situation.
We all know there are friends and acquaintances in our lives. Some people we can say penis to with out getting offended while other people might thing you are crazy. So here I present the three tiers.
First tier are acquaintances. This tier can span out into several levels, whether it be co-workers, regular party goers, people you add on facebook because you had drinks with them after a concert, or any number of people that you may or may not want to see on a regular basis.
The second tier are good friends that are in your life for a short period of time. These are the people who you have maybe a few months to a few years of support and friendship. These are the people that might move away but you may or may not see them again. Sometimes they can come back into your life but usually you will see a break.
The last tier are the people that you talk to or visit more than once a year. These are the people you can identify several commonalities in your life and these friendships last more than 5 - 10 years. These are the people that you have to see or you will just die. These are people that you can go a few years without seeing and when you do it feels like time hasn't past. This happens with the second tier, the difference is you actually see these people more frequently.
There is a forth tier but very few people make it to that one. That would be your best friend, your life partner, your spouse, your children and your dog, cat or animal - people you would need therapy if they were to suddenly disappear from your life.
So why the tiers? Well when you identify which tier your friends are in then it makes it easier to understand their placement in your life and how much time you can or should invest in them. Sometimes we invest our time in the wrong people and other times we don't invest enough time for the right people.
If one of your friends did something wrong, treated you in a poor way or did something behind your back, having tiers can help determine how to deal with them in a justifiable manner.
For example a friend in tier one, if they did something bad you probably would want to eliminate them from your networks or find a clandestine way to not talk to them. Why put the energy into something that is going to end badly or lead to countless bar hours talking smack about old co-workers?
If you friend is in the second or third tier, it might be time to rethink their level of friendship in relation to how you were treated. With these it would be proper to say WTF or even drop them down a level. It's common human behavior to repeat mistakes. No sense of getting burned several times - just be prepared.
What it comes down to is this. You are amazing. I am not directing this at myself although I know I am amazing in my ridiculous quirky jackass retarded ways. Hey I know that and it's ok cause I am gay! But you? Yes you too are amazing. So why do you need to be taken advantage of? Why do you need to sacrifice your time to improve yourself, your health, your well-being for other people that aren't there to compliment your friendship and grow with you?
We all have our moments, but sometimes people aren't growing with you.
I think to have a really tight friendship you need to have 3 or more activities in common. FYI - Drinking is not an activity, it's an accessory that can be a part of all activities but the act of sitting down and drinking and starring at each other - boring and not on the list, well at least not on mine.
With that said, last Thursday I had a friend that asked me to be part of the family by participating as a Godparent. If you know how I am around kids or animals then you know how much I love them and can't wait until one day I can have my very own! They didn't have a Godfather chosen so I said I wouldn't mind. The ceremony was a short distance from Debbie's house and was on Saturday.
The first thing I did was find two wonderful chants to sing. I wanted to give the child a prayer that would be appropriate to the ceremony and also something that I would sing and really believe in the hope and love that the text speak about. I also did some online research about being a Godfather, although a lot of it was how to be like Al Pacino. I can do that! And last what to give the kid in his years to come. I was excited to be the one to send him tasty bottles of booze in his college years to accompany the soft plush items he had there kept from items given in his early years.
On Saturday morning I texted her for the address of the church. I received a text with the address and saying that the husband did not want me to be the Godfather because I would drink his port when he got older. I texted back ok and then received a text that said I hope you can still make it.
I am still baffled. My therapist and I talked about this. Ok so you talk to your spouse before making these choices, but I was in college with both of them.
Ok so you don't want me to do it make up a story that will let me down with comfort. Say your mother didn't accept the fact that I was a homosexual and it's against the catholic way . . . still hard to hear but less hurtful.
I got a couple other texts thanking me for not showing up and telling me I better fly out for the husband's birthday.
So the assertive skills came out. I texted her the entire response to how I felt and that I didn't think it was nice.
Her reasoning was that I was prematurely asked and would not be a good spiritual leader for their child. Ok maybe I don't know enough about being a Catholic or anything about dealing with children. Fair enough.
She didn't think it meant that much to me. Well of course after singing in the Catholic Church for 7 years I meant nothing I sang about to the kids receiving their baptism or first communion.
She said she didn't think I would wanted to do it anyways, that it was their son. Ok yes it's your child, accepted.
She said they didn't have a Godfather anyways. So what your are saying is you would rather have no one than me. Could you just lie and say your mom didn't want me to do it?
So what kind of friend am I to you? I wondered that.
I told my therapist that it made me question what priority I have given them and how I should handle this. How do we handle people that hurt us? Maybe they didn't realize the hurt? But after so many years, wouldn't you want someone you believe in to really be there for you and your family?
And that was it. I don't really feel the confidence. Perhaps I lost trust over the years and maybe their knowledge of me having HIV has deflected their thoughts. Who knows?
First things first. You - yes you, you should never let anyone bring you down, especially after you are disappointed. If you are then you need to let them know. If their answer is anything but I am sorry how can we fix this, then it's time to rethink your friendship.
My therapy session wasn't spent deducing the friendship tier, it was spent saying out loud, I can't just ignore this and I didn't.
I asked her when she figured out how to not insult me after hurting or offending me then maybe we could talk. In the meantime, please don't get insulted if I shy away from this friendship.
After I said this I felt better. I told a few friends and received several stories of similar situations and praises of how I will be a great dad one day and it's a sad loss for the cute kid!
We choose our friends and our friends choose us. How we want to foster friendships is a team effort. I felt like the team let me down. But why am I worried? I have lots of teams who are ready to cheer me on.
Go you! Go me! Go us!
Day 102 - 104: Why Didn't I Just Go Home?
I kept asking myself this most of the time. Why didn't I go home to my parents house for Christmas? When I went to church and sang along?
When I ate prime rib and did karaoke Christmas tunes and had a nice pino? When I opened one gift, yes I had gifts, on Christmas Eve which was pj's. We all had pj's to open and put on and wear to bed AND wake up and open gifts in and eat breakfast in. The entire time I was visiting I was treated like Tiny Tim post Scrooge's enlightenment. I had no idea I was going to have a stocking and gifts and feel what Christmas is supposed to mean.
I felt a little guilty. But then I reminded myself why I came. It was to center myself. It was to be happy and not have any worries about disappointment or fears.
I was disappointed during the trip but thank Kris Kringle for having friends who want to make sure you are happy when you aren't quite centered.
I was overwhelmed with the appreciation and love and I was so glad I made the choice to go there. If the scale of disappointment for my birthday was tilted to the other end, that's how my Christmas was.
When I ate prime rib and did karaoke Christmas tunes and had a nice pino? When I opened one gift, yes I had gifts, on Christmas Eve which was pj's. We all had pj's to open and put on and wear to bed AND wake up and open gifts in and eat breakfast in. The entire time I was visiting I was treated like Tiny Tim post Scrooge's enlightenment. I had no idea I was going to have a stocking and gifts and feel what Christmas is supposed to mean.
I felt a little guilty. But then I reminded myself why I came. It was to center myself. It was to be happy and not have any worries about disappointment or fears.
I was disappointed during the trip but thank Kris Kringle for having friends who want to make sure you are happy when you aren't quite centered.
I was overwhelmed with the appreciation and love and I was so glad I made the choice to go there. If the scale of disappointment for my birthday was tilted to the other end, that's how my Christmas was.
Day 101: Christmas Time Is Here
I am over 100 days. One Hundred Days! Shall we have a party at 1000 days? Let's do it!
This year I decided to spend Christmas with my friend Debbie's family.
I made the choice not to drive up and back to Sacramento for three reasons.
1. a six foot two person in any vehicle for 8 hours up and back is not fun. Did I mention I am slightly claustrophobic? With the MRI I could focus my fears and tell myself I am not trapped. Once I believe I am not trapped then I calm down and proceed without fear. When you are folded over lie a clown car passenger for an extended period you begin to stress.
2. I didn't want to stress. I didn't want to worry about going up to see the family and have any fears. Fears of disappointment, fears of confronting people, fear of hiding, fear of discrimination, so many fears. I don't know if they would ever arise and the point is I don't know and at this point I want to do what ever I can to not stress. I am searching for a job, I am applying to grad school, I am trying to manage headaches, I am trying to understand why I am cleaning the bathroom again! Stress? No thanks!
3. I just saw my parents at Thanksgiving and as much as I love them, it would be an overload for me. Having just recently been disappointed I feel like if there was one little thing that I didn't enjoy it would bring back a lot of bad emotions.
So instead of this I decided to visit Debbie's family and see friends in the LA area. I decided I wasn't going to stress. I wasn't going to have any holiday expectations and further more I was just going to enjoy the pure fact that I had no responsibility except to eat, read, play wii and relax.
This year I decided to spend Christmas with my friend Debbie's family.
I made the choice not to drive up and back to Sacramento for three reasons.
1. a six foot two person in any vehicle for 8 hours up and back is not fun. Did I mention I am slightly claustrophobic? With the MRI I could focus my fears and tell myself I am not trapped. Once I believe I am not trapped then I calm down and proceed without fear. When you are folded over lie a clown car passenger for an extended period you begin to stress.
2. I didn't want to stress. I didn't want to worry about going up to see the family and have any fears. Fears of disappointment, fears of confronting people, fear of hiding, fear of discrimination, so many fears. I don't know if they would ever arise and the point is I don't know and at this point I want to do what ever I can to not stress. I am searching for a job, I am applying to grad school, I am trying to manage headaches, I am trying to understand why I am cleaning the bathroom again! Stress? No thanks!
3. I just saw my parents at Thanksgiving and as much as I love them, it would be an overload for me. Having just recently been disappointed I feel like if there was one little thing that I didn't enjoy it would bring back a lot of bad emotions.
So instead of this I decided to visit Debbie's family and see friends in the LA area. I decided I wasn't going to stress. I wasn't going to have any holiday expectations and further more I was just going to enjoy the pure fact that I had no responsibility except to eat, read, play wii and relax.
Day 100: MRI Fune
I went in for my MRI today. It was cold and I was prepared with a long sleeve shirt and flannel pj's.
I have had an MRI on my foot, recently on my upper thigh, and now my brain.
I laid back and immediately they gave me headphones with a selection of music and warm blankets. I didn't have to remove my pants and change for the exam.
Half way through the exam they gave me an injection which was used to highlight what was going on in my brain.
Since I have been having headaches with weather changes I wanted to rule out if there was anything else. Actually just getting the exam was a stress relief in itself.
Preventive care is so important. If there is one thing that stressed me out about getting an HIV test, say 8 years ago, it was the fear of getting it. Then I decided to get checked every 4 months just in case. I realize is a 6 month window period, although now it's decreased to 2 months with the oral test and 1 week for the blood. I began to understand that waiting a year, even if I wasn't at risk was still stressful.
Perhaps not realizing that a simple kiss could not give me HIV could have prevented a lot of that stress, but still the idea of knowing for sure at the moment was helpful.
People - if you haven't done so in a while get tested. Get tested not just for HIV, but for your body chemistry, lyme disease, heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, your physical . . . if you know where you are it's easier to make changes for the better and when the time comes that repair is needed, you will be better equipped to manage the stress.
I have had an MRI on my foot, recently on my upper thigh, and now my brain.
I laid back and immediately they gave me headphones with a selection of music and warm blankets. I didn't have to remove my pants and change for the exam.
Half way through the exam they gave me an injection which was used to highlight what was going on in my brain.
Since I have been having headaches with weather changes I wanted to rule out if there was anything else. Actually just getting the exam was a stress relief in itself.
Preventive care is so important. If there is one thing that stressed me out about getting an HIV test, say 8 years ago, it was the fear of getting it. Then I decided to get checked every 4 months just in case. I realize is a 6 month window period, although now it's decreased to 2 months with the oral test and 1 week for the blood. I began to understand that waiting a year, even if I wasn't at risk was still stressful.
Perhaps not realizing that a simple kiss could not give me HIV could have prevented a lot of that stress, but still the idea of knowing for sure at the moment was helpful.
People - if you haven't done so in a while get tested. Get tested not just for HIV, but for your body chemistry, lyme disease, heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, your physical . . . if you know where you are it's easier to make changes for the better and when the time comes that repair is needed, you will be better equipped to manage the stress.
Day 96 - 99: Catching up
I realize I have been slacking in my posts. It's been great for everyone to remind me to post what is going on in my life - apparently I have loyal readers that gain insight into their lives by seeing the mishaps in my own!
I have condensed a few days together and will get down to the basics during this holiday break.
I did not hear back from the job and currently we are on a forced holiday break from the University.
Thank you everyone for being patient.
Here we go!
I have condensed a few days together and will get down to the basics during this holiday break.
I did not hear back from the job and currently we are on a forced holiday break from the University.
Thank you everyone for being patient.
Here we go!
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