I spent the last two days talking about me and HIV. I told the story of leading up to it, how I got it and life now. Fortunately I have my blog. I look back and see the moments that really defined my growth up until now. I also see that I really worked hard from the beginning and because of that life is a little easier now.
Life is easier in a sense that I am educated, I didn't go through a huge denial phase, I am working hard to increase my health and levels. I am working out and working on my support network, primarily my parents. Through my support I can make them a little less stressed and a little more happy. This is what they have lost and I feel through my searching for myself I help them find what they lost as well.
For the first time I spoke out loud to several people who have, well, have HIV. There are the many statistics on here.
It was such an honor to meet these people. None of us deserve this and all of us are working hard to cope, smile and make a difference. I commend everyone one of them.
I didn't think coming to a group session or going to a support group or speaker volunteer training would create a connection. There were some amazing people that I met that I can only hope will continue to inspire me, make me laugh and remind me how HIV can be conquered together.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Day 338: After Thoughts
I really just needed to express my thoughts. After blogging them I realized I didn't need to tell any of the people in my group how I felt because I know myself. I know how I feel and what my standards are. I know who I am and I see that sometimes it's more or less charmed, always fun.
Group is about speaking and listening. I have been speaking, I have been telling, and now it's time to listen to the stories around me and use that info to become a stronger sensible person.
Sorry about that I think Jane Austin's ghost just rimmed me.
Group is about speaking and listening. I have been speaking, I have been telling, and now it's time to listen to the stories around me and use that info to become a stronger sensible person.
Sorry about that I think Jane Austin's ghost just rimmed me.
Day 337: Old, Gay & Poz
Today I spoke in my group session of those friends in my life who have disabilities, diseases, and disorders and how they inspire me. One of the men turned to me and mentioned how fortunate I was living now because things are easier. He has been positive since 1984. This made me think of a response that I may or may not share with the group at the next session.
"Hi my name is Paul. I want to let you know that despite my youth and lack of modesty, I can still share inspiring words when needed. What I need from the group is reassurance. I feel a little uncomfortable. You see in our last session someone spoke about being positive since the 90's. I realize there might be some people positive since the 80's. I have not even reached one year. I haven't had HIV for long and I don't know much about living with it. I haven't had any friends that have died from complications from AIDS and I was just a kid when Ryan White was speaking of his diagnosis. I only met a few people with HIV when I was in school, I wouldn't know if any of my friends have HIV, although now I found out one of my college friends does and is doing well.
Me? Well I am fortunate enough to have extremely low levels with an immune system barely making an effort to keep levels low. I visualize my immune system during yoga and swimming. I take care of my stress and I find ways to make sure my body relaxes and lets it do its things. Me and HIV, well we coexist. HIV can stay, as long as it doesn't get messy, as long as it doesn't make me get sick or worry about other hurdles coming towards me. That's my option I got with HIV, and I am very fortunate to have it.
I don't feel that it is my entire ticket to empathy. I can't know what it means to struggle with HIV for so many years, to see the hurt people give from the stigmas attached. I got past the initial fear and talked to my friends and family. I talked to my co-workers, my students, my boyfriend, my gay friends, my straight friends, guys, girls. They still love me. They still want to know what's going on. I didn't have the heavy rejection that comes with HIV. In fact immediately I found doctors who were HIV specialists. I got a therapist in fear I would bottom out. I did all the means that I could to make myself fight off the hardship and seek out happiness.
There are many people in this room that are amazing, and are fighting battles that I may never see. This makes me intimidated because my thoughts and feelings might not be accepted due to my lack of life or experience.
My voice teacher had cancer. She told me it was just a word. It wasn't a lifestyle, nor does it give you an excuse not to enjoy or do the things you need to do. I was her last student before she died at 72. She could do the splits even 5 days before she passed. What was a 20-something to think of that advice? After having two other college friends find out they had cancer, a job layoff, a possible paranoia-schizophrenic boyfriend/coworker right after college.
My aunt died when I was 10. I watched her go through cancer, mistaken the sight in which she had a tumor and find out later it had spread. Amputating her leg, all the wigs, and on her death bed no more hair, no more pain, no more feeling.
Another girl I volunteered at an organization for kids. Seeing a girl there who never lived past 13 but received her dying wish, to ride a horse a week before she died.
I don't have HIV experience I have life experience and I have a lot of hope. I might be young, and I may have not been involved with HIV until a year ago but I live on, and I inspire. And I thank. And I love. And I hope.
After I was diagnosed I realized the only way I can do my part is to tell those people around me, hope they would still love me and teach them the reality of HIV.
What happened? I have friends that have been so wonderful and continue to make me smile. I have friends that have perhaps crossed your path because of me. And I have friends that I will continue to seek understanding so that all of us with HIV do not fear it, feel ashamed or unaccepted.
What I really want from this group is reassurance that no matter what background we each have, each one of us has something important to contribute and should not be discounted just because of what we think might be lack of experience, age, creed, or anything else that would discount being open minded and lacking a smile."
We visualize in group and since I found out that I have HIV, I have had three scenes that come into my head. Sometimes I see two of my t-cells floating along. Both are sitting at a table with an umbrella. Margaritas to the side, they sit there playing chess. A virus, maybe HIV or something else, comes along and they tell it to please wait till they are done with the game. At some point the virus can either die or kill it self while it waits.
I sometimes picture HIV and a Tcell playing cards and the HIV turns to the tcell and tells him "Well I guess it's time for me to go away. Good game." The Tcell says it was a good game but he's sorry he has to do this. Tcell makes him go get flushed out of my system.
The last one is HIV are playing paintball with my Tcells. My tcells are just sitting their chatting. HIVs are taunting and the Tcells give them the birdie, shoot them down and head off to effortlessly hunt down the other HIVS.
"Hi my name is Paul. I want to let you know that despite my youth and lack of modesty, I can still share inspiring words when needed. What I need from the group is reassurance. I feel a little uncomfortable. You see in our last session someone spoke about being positive since the 90's. I realize there might be some people positive since the 80's. I have not even reached one year. I haven't had HIV for long and I don't know much about living with it. I haven't had any friends that have died from complications from AIDS and I was just a kid when Ryan White was speaking of his diagnosis. I only met a few people with HIV when I was in school, I wouldn't know if any of my friends have HIV, although now I found out one of my college friends does and is doing well.
Me? Well I am fortunate enough to have extremely low levels with an immune system barely making an effort to keep levels low. I visualize my immune system during yoga and swimming. I take care of my stress and I find ways to make sure my body relaxes and lets it do its things. Me and HIV, well we coexist. HIV can stay, as long as it doesn't get messy, as long as it doesn't make me get sick or worry about other hurdles coming towards me. That's my option I got with HIV, and I am very fortunate to have it.
I don't feel that it is my entire ticket to empathy. I can't know what it means to struggle with HIV for so many years, to see the hurt people give from the stigmas attached. I got past the initial fear and talked to my friends and family. I talked to my co-workers, my students, my boyfriend, my gay friends, my straight friends, guys, girls. They still love me. They still want to know what's going on. I didn't have the heavy rejection that comes with HIV. In fact immediately I found doctors who were HIV specialists. I got a therapist in fear I would bottom out. I did all the means that I could to make myself fight off the hardship and seek out happiness.
There are many people in this room that are amazing, and are fighting battles that I may never see. This makes me intimidated because my thoughts and feelings might not be accepted due to my lack of life or experience.
My voice teacher had cancer. She told me it was just a word. It wasn't a lifestyle, nor does it give you an excuse not to enjoy or do the things you need to do. I was her last student before she died at 72. She could do the splits even 5 days before she passed. What was a 20-something to think of that advice? After having two other college friends find out they had cancer, a job layoff, a possible paranoia-schizophrenic boyfriend/coworker right after college.
My aunt died when I was 10. I watched her go through cancer, mistaken the sight in which she had a tumor and find out later it had spread. Amputating her leg, all the wigs, and on her death bed no more hair, no more pain, no more feeling.
Another girl I volunteered at an organization for kids. Seeing a girl there who never lived past 13 but received her dying wish, to ride a horse a week before she died.
I don't have HIV experience I have life experience and I have a lot of hope. I might be young, and I may have not been involved with HIV until a year ago but I live on, and I inspire. And I thank. And I love. And I hope.
After I was diagnosed I realized the only way I can do my part is to tell those people around me, hope they would still love me and teach them the reality of HIV.
What happened? I have friends that have been so wonderful and continue to make me smile. I have friends that have perhaps crossed your path because of me. And I have friends that I will continue to seek understanding so that all of us with HIV do not fear it, feel ashamed or unaccepted.
What I really want from this group is reassurance that no matter what background we each have, each one of us has something important to contribute and should not be discounted just because of what we think might be lack of experience, age, creed, or anything else that would discount being open minded and lacking a smile."
We visualize in group and since I found out that I have HIV, I have had three scenes that come into my head. Sometimes I see two of my t-cells floating along. Both are sitting at a table with an umbrella. Margaritas to the side, they sit there playing chess. A virus, maybe HIV or something else, comes along and they tell it to please wait till they are done with the game. At some point the virus can either die or kill it self while it waits.
I sometimes picture HIV and a Tcell playing cards and the HIV turns to the tcell and tells him "Well I guess it's time for me to go away. Good game." The Tcell says it was a good game but he's sorry he has to do this. Tcell makes him go get flushed out of my system.
The last one is HIV are playing paintball with my Tcells. My tcells are just sitting their chatting. HIVs are taunting and the Tcells give them the birdie, shoot them down and head off to effortlessly hunt down the other HIVS.
Day 335:Dear Mom - Don't Cry.
Today my dad pulled me into the kitchen. He asked if we could talk about my performance around the house. What came about was that my dad is generally frustrated with my mom and I, as he feels (which I think he rightfully should) he does a lot of work on their house, in order to sacrifice the rest of his life. One thing led to another and the conversation slippery sloped to me explaining simple communication would be a better solution.
As the conversation went further, I found out my mom doesn't feel like I am taking enough initiative nor asking what I could do. I asked her why she doesn't ask me things nor takes the initiative to tell me how she feels instead of me finding out from my dad that she isn't comfortable with me being gay (let alone HIV positive).
I told her that I was hurt and I don't understand how she can complain about that and yet I try to be open and communicative with her.
I went to my room and had to leave. I cried. My mom cried. She came in and told me she was upset that I tell everyone but her what's going on in my life. I told her that I try to tell her but sometimes all I get is her paying attention to Facebook as opposed to me.
I went into the bathroom and centered myself by taking a shower. My mom cried. She was helpless and didn't understand that to reach me means to reach herself.
I came out of the shower and my dad and I had a conversation about approaching each other. I told him I am very upset that they tell me to take the initiative to do stuff and they tell me if I want something to ask. So if that's the case why couldn't you use both of those pieces of advice for my birthday. Ask me if I wanted to do something or just plan something? Why do I need to ask you to do something special or surprise me?
I explained that if they want something they need to follow the advice they give.
I chatted with my friends online and told them what was going on. My friend Esp invited me up for dinner.
My mom was in the kitchen then went into her room and shut the door.
I went in and just hugged her. She told me that I was right. Maybe she spends too much time online. Maybe she doesn't make the effort to talk to me. Maybe she needs to do more.
I don't know how things will come about, but in order to get what I want I have to ask.
I have to tell my mom how I feel when she ignores me and that I need her as much as she needs me.
I left for dinner and felt better.
Breaking through to my parents has been a huge challenge, but if it weren't for this time now, I think I would be in a very bad place full of stress, loss of hope and a sense that I can't find that road I need to take.
As the conversation went further, I found out my mom doesn't feel like I am taking enough initiative nor asking what I could do. I asked her why she doesn't ask me things nor takes the initiative to tell me how she feels instead of me finding out from my dad that she isn't comfortable with me being gay (let alone HIV positive).
I told her that I was hurt and I don't understand how she can complain about that and yet I try to be open and communicative with her.
I went to my room and had to leave. I cried. My mom cried. She came in and told me she was upset that I tell everyone but her what's going on in my life. I told her that I try to tell her but sometimes all I get is her paying attention to Facebook as opposed to me.
I went into the bathroom and centered myself by taking a shower. My mom cried. She was helpless and didn't understand that to reach me means to reach herself.
I came out of the shower and my dad and I had a conversation about approaching each other. I told him I am very upset that they tell me to take the initiative to do stuff and they tell me if I want something to ask. So if that's the case why couldn't you use both of those pieces of advice for my birthday. Ask me if I wanted to do something or just plan something? Why do I need to ask you to do something special or surprise me?
I explained that if they want something they need to follow the advice they give.
I chatted with my friends online and told them what was going on. My friend Esp invited me up for dinner.
My mom was in the kitchen then went into her room and shut the door.
I went in and just hugged her. She told me that I was right. Maybe she spends too much time online. Maybe she doesn't make the effort to talk to me. Maybe she needs to do more.
I don't know how things will come about, but in order to get what I want I have to ask.
I have to tell my mom how I feel when she ignores me and that I need her as much as she needs me.
I left for dinner and felt better.
Breaking through to my parents has been a huge challenge, but if it weren't for this time now, I think I would be in a very bad place full of stress, loss of hope and a sense that I can't find that road I need to take.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 334: One Month to Go
So today I was chatting with an old Pal about our mutual friend . . . if you call it that! Our Pal, the term we called our group of four who ran marathons and fundraised together, is getting married soon. I haven't talked to our Pal since she started dating her fiance. I was reminded of her because there is a photo with her, my parents cousin and aunt at the Wild Animal Park in my grandmothers house.
That photo is over 4 years old.
Up until now I haven't talked about her. Pal-J. Not even with our other pals, Pal-H and Pal-S. Pal-H and I were chatting today, catching up with where we are in the world. She mentioned Pal-J's wedding, and for some reason I think she might have thought I was invited or at least knew something about it.
So here it is. I was PJ's first official homosexual friend. She and I were at a bar and she casually asked me if I was gay, as a joke. And I responded with puppy dog eyes that I was. I wasn't quite into saying anything, I guess because like the relationship I have with my parents, I fear talking about it with a response of criticism. I don't like to tell people because I get tired of it because people feel there is a lifestyle or agenda attached. I really really want those memos cause I am stranded people. I don't know how to be gay! I think about motor boating chicks and that might cause conflict with people's perception of what it means to be gay.
Back to the topic. She and I would have so much fun. She'd ask me questions, say naughty things, comment on bakla and other gay things.
The last time I talked to her I was at our favorite mexican place and she mentioned she met a guy and told me all about him. I said I couldn't wait to meet him. She said that she wasn't sure because he doesn't feel comfortable around gay people.
Wait, not only are you dating but now living with someone who doesn't feel comfortable, oh wait he doesn't really like gay people? And you are ok with this?
I was hurt. I didn't know what to say or how to respond, but this person I had, well exposed my bottom to in a bay on Oahu around 1am in December had told me she accepted this person that would never accept me for being gay.
I don't get it, why do people immediately assume that gay equals fruity drinks and sex toys? What happened to that frat boy kick ass timbre or the many variations. What does it mean to be gay? Or to identify with the enjoyment of penis with penis? Did he even know I like the vagina once in a while, but a prick like that I would never tell it to. In fact I would probably meet him and some how push the gayness in me and bring a can of crisco just to make him think twice.
Yesterday I was waiting in line for a port-o potty. This man fell out of one with his pants down and the girl inside quickly pulled down her dress and shut the door. You know gay people can be labeled so many dirty things but when it comes to a man and a woman in a port-o potty, it's cute, sly and daring.
So I talked to Pal-H about this and she responded about how she doesn't like the guy but she is not the one marrying him. I wish PJ had more sense in her.
I went up to the couple after I pissed. I asked him if he buys his underwear cause the hanes boxer briefs were just not sexy. I asked his girl if she wouldn't mind buying some cute briefs or just go naked.
I feel a little better. I haven't talked to her since that dinner. In fact I think I left thinking that I would never talk to her after that day. She was convinced I wouldn't be fit to meet the man she's thinking about marrying because I like a hug from a guy and I don't mind if it's a naked hug.
Rejection sucks especially if it's because of something you can't help but to be a part of. I am fortunate because even if I give up a friend like that, knowing that I will have a void in my life, I am being my own hero and remembering that I still have people that care about me.
That photo is over 4 years old.
Up until now I haven't talked about her. Pal-J. Not even with our other pals, Pal-H and Pal-S. Pal-H and I were chatting today, catching up with where we are in the world. She mentioned Pal-J's wedding, and for some reason I think she might have thought I was invited or at least knew something about it.
So here it is. I was PJ's first official homosexual friend. She and I were at a bar and she casually asked me if I was gay, as a joke. And I responded with puppy dog eyes that I was. I wasn't quite into saying anything, I guess because like the relationship I have with my parents, I fear talking about it with a response of criticism. I don't like to tell people because I get tired of it because people feel there is a lifestyle or agenda attached. I really really want those memos cause I am stranded people. I don't know how to be gay! I think about motor boating chicks and that might cause conflict with people's perception of what it means to be gay.
Back to the topic. She and I would have so much fun. She'd ask me questions, say naughty things, comment on bakla and other gay things.
The last time I talked to her I was at our favorite mexican place and she mentioned she met a guy and told me all about him. I said I couldn't wait to meet him. She said that she wasn't sure because he doesn't feel comfortable around gay people.
Wait, not only are you dating but now living with someone who doesn't feel comfortable, oh wait he doesn't really like gay people? And you are ok with this?
I was hurt. I didn't know what to say or how to respond, but this person I had, well exposed my bottom to in a bay on Oahu around 1am in December had told me she accepted this person that would never accept me for being gay.
I don't get it, why do people immediately assume that gay equals fruity drinks and sex toys? What happened to that frat boy kick ass timbre or the many variations. What does it mean to be gay? Or to identify with the enjoyment of penis with penis? Did he even know I like the vagina once in a while, but a prick like that I would never tell it to. In fact I would probably meet him and some how push the gayness in me and bring a can of crisco just to make him think twice.
Yesterday I was waiting in line for a port-o potty. This man fell out of one with his pants down and the girl inside quickly pulled down her dress and shut the door. You know gay people can be labeled so many dirty things but when it comes to a man and a woman in a port-o potty, it's cute, sly and daring.
So I talked to Pal-H about this and she responded about how she doesn't like the guy but she is not the one marrying him. I wish PJ had more sense in her.
I went up to the couple after I pissed. I asked him if he buys his underwear cause the hanes boxer briefs were just not sexy. I asked his girl if she wouldn't mind buying some cute briefs or just go naked.
I feel a little better. I haven't talked to her since that dinner. In fact I think I left thinking that I would never talk to her after that day. She was convinced I wouldn't be fit to meet the man she's thinking about marrying because I like a hug from a guy and I don't mind if it's a naked hug.
Rejection sucks especially if it's because of something you can't help but to be a part of. I am fortunate because even if I give up a friend like that, knowing that I will have a void in my life, I am being my own hero and remembering that I still have people that care about me.
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