Day 53: Coffee and the 80's

I have chatted with a few people online who have HIV.  I have met a couple of them.  I went for coffee for one today out of curiosity.  He was diagnosed in 1991 and I wanted to know what it was like to be diagnosed then and to be still here now.

I can pretty much describe the experience as pretty much being like every movie involving HIV except for when on departure he really paused and said things are going to be alright for me.  He started to tear up as he passed on advise about living with HIV.  I could see in those short moments of tears all the fear, burden, trauma and solitude for the last 18 years of living with this.  I could see a little guilt having never been sick or close to death.  I could hear the quivers in his voice as he wanted to reassure me that I was going to be fine.

He said "I wish my diagnosis was now instead of back then, but I can't go back.  You are very lucky because you don't have to worry.  You don't have the anxiety built up surrounding the illness, deterioration, medications and death."

He noted that all I have to do is make sure I am checked every 3 months, stay healthy and take my medications.  I corrected him and said medication singular.  He confirmed now taking one pill a day.

I can only imagine how isolated people get and how much more lonely they are when diagnosed years ago.

With any disease, with any movement, there are people who have sacrificed a huge ordeal so that many people can now live our lives without the circus.  Are we shocked with jungle fevuh couples?  Do we laud women for getting out of the kitchen and wearing shoes?  Homosexuals have parades and festivals that heterosexual children, couples and friends support - do we question their safety?  Oprah can say breast, cancer and vibrator on national television but who discourages people from watching Oprah holding up a vibrator or talking about Christina Applegate's breasts? Hell no!

Day 52: Coming To My Own

It's therapy Friday!  I come to therapy and am so excited.  It's my weekly check to know that I am doing well.  I think that I am good with myself and don't need therapy, but it feels great to come in each week and remind me on my time.

They say it takes about 3-6 months to break a bad habit by replacing it with something better.  I think having a reminder each week of how well I am and how much good I am doing for me is a great way to jump start my happiness, and let it last the rest of my life.

Day 51: Friends Benefit from HIV

HIV isn't all bad.  If you have a friend with HIV, you can use it as a trump card to help you with your career, school, and life.

Here are some ways to use HIV disclosure to help you.

1.  Tell your professor and you can have exams delayed or skipped.

2. Tell your co-workers and you will get free coffee or lunch.

3.  Tell your mother-in-law and she will fix comfort food and be nice.

4.  Tell your date and they will comfort you or better yet, score!

5.  Tell your pet.  They will cuddle with you all night long.

Day 50: Where Did This Wall Come From?

I was having such a great day.  I had an excellent yoga class, I was turning around a lot of work, I even was snacking on healthy snacks all day.  Around 3:45pm I hit a wall.  Not literally!  That same wall you hit during a marathon.

I stopped.  I went for a walk.  I regrouped.  I allowed myself to take a break.  Then I pushed through in a steady fashion.  I opened up myself to receive news in a happier manner instead of letting exhaustion influence my answers.

I put focus on what will happen later in the evening.  Later on I will have spicy 10 on the 1-10 scale of Thai Food.  Spicy 10 yellow curry and drunken noodle.  The thought of spicy 10 made me leap over the wall and broke it down.

Day 49: Excuse Me!

I went for my physical today.  It was my first.  I really didn't know what to expect.  I figured it would be fun since the lights went low and a disco ball came down.

The whole experience was so clinical.  He didn't even buy me a drink!

I was disappointed that all the flu shots had been given out.  The swine flu shot isn't ready yet.  My doctor predicts that my reaction to the flu would be the same as if I didn't have HIV.  Since my levels are both very low he reassured me that my health is going to help fight it off.

I was happy to learn that my virus is fucked.  Every medication will work against it so really I just have to choose the easiest one and good bye!

My doctor said that I am really lucky because he has patients who are on medication and have higher viral loads than mine without.

Regular screenings, staying healthy, lowering stress levels, taking control of my well being - in general they really help in ways we could never understand.

Day 48: Nightmares

I slept way too much.  I had a nightmare about telling my parents.  Well I don't think it was Freddy scary, more of reality of what will happen.   Tears, sadness, going through the the process of telling them.  It's long and painful to relive each moment however I feel like I become a stronger person when I choose to cope, come to terms with an honest view point and proceed to live with a genuine smile on my face.

I wanted to tell them tonight however I came home grumpy and hungry.  I don't want to be grumpy when I tell them.  Is this an excuse to put it off?

Day 47: Rest

I ate dim sum.  I rehearsed with my chamber choir.  I came home and I slept.  I had so many things to take care of but I knew that listening to my body would be the best chore to take care of.  I slept all day and night.

Sleep is a good thing.

Day 46: Halloweenie

I never really liked Halloween as a kid.  I didn't like approaching people and asking them for something.  I still have this problem.  The other reason I didn't like the holiday was because I don't like American Chocolate so my sister and mom would get all the fruits from my laborious trek around the neighborhood.

In college I thought it was so cute to be an adult and have houses receptive to our cute costumes (most that involved horror, clever phrases, sex, alcohol or some sort of retro-childhood costume).

Now living near San Diego's homosexual oasis, Halloween is a great people watching night.  It's also a great night for house parties.  Forget the crappy candy, we're going to each sushi, drink alcohol and laugh, while in rediculous costumes about sex, clever phrases, zombies, and cool retro-childhood characters that only our generation would remember (Jem, He-man, Snorks).

I was Cupid.  I spread my love.

Day 45: Trusting Again

We develop good and bad behaviors based upon the environment we adapt to or create.  Sometimes we encounter people that have bad habits so we pick theirs up.  Sometimes we find ourselves encouraged to fail and to figure out how not to fail the second time.

We have to trust those around us or find people we can trust.  Failure means growth, if you want to view it that way.

If I tell someone about this, whether on a date, a friend or a family member I feel as though I am going to tell them I failed.  Well.  I failed myself.  Now it's time to figure out how to make amends with this and move on.

It's Friday with the rapist (therapist). 

I learned that I am pushing forward because I am facing the feeling of failure head on without fear.  When you tae out the fear component, then failure doesn't hold such a negative connotation.