Day 4: Hand on Shoulder

I received an email from the boyfriend with subject "I'm Here." He needed space and I reassured him I am pretty much doing as well as I can be. I replied to let him know that he could stop communication now for all I needed was a response.

Iago watched me cry at the email - just having someone put their hand on your shoulder, virtually or in real life can be so comforting.

I remember at my Great-aunt Sue's funeral, everyone turned to my dad to speak during the burial. He couldn't. Here was this outgoing talkative expressive guy who clammed up when the moment was so internal. I put my hand on my dad's shoulder and he began to talk. He began to express himself which brought tears of joy to the rest of the people at the funeral. Tears of remembrance, tears of love and tears of hope.

A simple touch is all we need in order for us to know that things will be fine.

Day 4: Kissing in the Sand

The hardest moment is admitting to yourself that you have a + now. The next hardest moments will be telling your parents, siblings, dog and the one you love. By far the relationship is the one will be the difficult hurdle. Who really wants to disrupt the bond with their best friend.

I had two practice admissions before I told the boyfriend. They were very good reactions even though I could only type and text them. It took a bit before I could actually find the words coming out of my mouth.

"I tested positive for HIV antibodies. I am HIV positive."

I had doubts in the back of my mind whether or not I might have been infected. The paranoia and anxiety; I believed that I had HIV for so long.

I honestly knew something was different about this guy because I wanted to make sure before we advanced our sexual habits, that we would be safe and secure. Clear the air as they say. I didn't think I would be clearing the air to expose thunder, lightning, Smog!

Of course life doesn't work for you. How many people really get what they want? I know I do, but I receive all the things I never expected to and never get those things I want or expect.

Who wants to be alone? "I do I do!" Can you hear the cheers of countless children who wished people would shut up and leave them alone? Never wanting to be picked for a team sport and never having a group to play monopoly with? I want my best friend. I want my person to play chess with. I want my hug. I want our life back.

What is it that rushes through your head? I felt tough and said if I lose him then I do. But really, isn't that the bullshit answer people use so they don't have to fight for what they want?

Do I have the energy to fight?

And then the dark cloud of gloom rushes in and by far the only way that cloud will ever clear is when you are honest with yourself and know what is right to do.

You tell him.

And then you wait.

If you thought the tic tocs of the clock were long, think again. It's not just the waiting for them to respond, but every single moment after that where you try to understand trust, compassion, love. Discuss fantasies with boundaries. Make amends with anger.

I'm wasn't ready to finally meet someone I feel so wonderful with, only to realize we had a good thing going, going, gone.

Don't ever make out on a sandy beach drunk. The kisses become gritty and rough. Something is continuously interrupting the moment, reminding you that there are other people around, that you are lacking a blanket at night and that water may approach soon. Sandy make out sessions are not fun however cuddling on the beach is great. Am I ready for just cuddling on the beach? How can I get rid of the sand? If only it was as simple as walking away from shore to shake the sand out of your pants.

Day 3: Gays Like da Picnic

Why did I stop going to the park and sitting under the shade of trees? Why did I stop going on bike rides on Sunday mornings? Why did I stop watering my garden?

I am sitting under a tree waiting for public transportation to go my way. I texted my sister to pick me up from the shuttle stop. If she does I think I might tell her where I am going and see if she wants to join me. If she doesn't then she can come another time.

I feel at this point, as much as I would like to tell her or my family, it's going to be a lot to digest. At this point they have an understanding that gay men can't have kids. That there is no space in the attraction of both sexes. When I told my mom about my boyfriend she asked if this meant I was gay now?

Would the same misconceptions happen when I tell them about HIV? I know about a year ago I myself discovered the difference between HIV and AIDS.

Someone with HIV might never develop AIDS. AIDS can cause so many complications that leads to other things. HIV does not create lesions, chills or speedy painful bm's.

Think of HIV as a lit match. It hits the grass, ignites the forest, destroys everything in sight except for the Earth. What next? The seeds that have been hiding, awaiting their shell to melt away from the fiery AIDS, so that they can bloom, take over and reproduce. Lucky those seeds and plants don't destroy our planet because of the large balance that exists. We might be described as the size of Earth, but we, at many times are no match for those things our body could normally keep at bay.

A single match is all it takes to ignite that flame inside of us. Why did we light that match? Why play with that fire? I can think of so many actions that would give similar thrills and not the same damage.

I wish I could understand This. "This" implying to so many things. This life, this body, this hunger, this soul, this person, this world, this moment.

Perhaps having This will force me to figure out why the bus is late. Oh the waiting is KILLING me. Wait wait wait. All we do is wait for test results, wait for people, wait for time. Wait a fucking minute - the counselor isn't here - you were supposed to call me but didn't have my number I clearly gave you? I just spent all day moving my schedule and missing office pizza, getting my sister to pick me up, dropping her off, zooming over so that I could come in early and I find out there is no one here! I can't even fill out the lengthy forms? I told my sister I couldn't get food with her because I had an appointment and it's canceled? I needed to vent about this. Where are you? I needed to talk about the boyfriend.

I ended up grabbing tacos with my sister and hanging out with college friends. I didn't tell her nor them. I needed a night where I didn't have to think about it or change the mood. My sister and I had a great dinner together. I really enjoy her company. We spend our meal talking and people watching. I didn't have to worry nor did I worry about telling her. In due time it will happen but for now we share a burrito with mole and chicken without fear, anxiety and lots of smiles.

Later, all my college friends were intoxicated except for me. I lost myself in the dense amounts of laughter only to be brought back to HIV land at the scratch of one of the cats. It had barely pierced the skin. I saw blood. I realized caution needs to be taken, always.

Day 3: Counseling

Today I go in for my preliminary counseling session.

I have been thinking so much about this disease and reading about all my options through various online resources. I realize that so many people, myself included, remember the stereotypes of long ago and the terrifying side we see about this disease. We apply it now and put a stigma on this thing.

My voice teacher told me that "Cancer is just another word." I imagine that applies to any disease or disorder. You deal with it but don't put it up in that white tower.

Last night I talked with a various number of people online about how they were infected, what prompted it and how they coped. There seems to be a commonality with people. They have low self esteem, fear and anxiety over finally being HIV positive and a self destruction before and sometimes after.

I think people are scared at how this will affect their lives. They become terrified thinking about when it happens or if it is a possibility and push it on the back burner in hopes of it manifesting somewhere else.

Maybe I have come to terms that life never follows the path that you expect it, nor do the outcomes, as awful as they are at times, lead to a goal that we would expect. Yet somehow we make the most of it or realize that goal is really what we wanted or subconsciously manifested. We find opportunities whether conscious or not, and nurture the way to whatever comes about.

Today I am fearful and scared. I am still fearful that my boyfriend, who I still believe is my boyfriend, will have gotten this from me or not have it at all. I think that the chances of him getting it are very low and what it's like for one person to have it and the emotional roller-coaster afterwords. I fear the love that was genuine will be tainted on my part because I am not sure how complete I feel about myself. Let alone what I could give that to another person.

I haven't heard from him since I told him. I have to say just one day without exchanging a word makes my soul feel absent of life. I hope he is ok and recognize we all need space and time. When we really care for someone and they aren't there for support it really hurts.

The pain in those moments is just a taste of what I will feel in the months to come.

Each day is one day of coming to terms, not with just this disease, but with what led to this and how I will take steps to reconcile any pain, grief, anxiety and fear. How I approach this is going to determine how long it will take to make me at ease. I shy away from so many things, but now I can no longer do that. If I want to make this thing get it's ass-whooping it deserves then I need to show that it picked the wrong person to possess.

I have read about who I should tell. At this point I have been lucky to approach 6 people and have a great response. I have backed away for a bit of informing people because each person I tell starts balling like a pussy bitch and I even more. It feels great but really - crying twice a day for three days in a row on average - that's just way to much. Maybe I should pick a day with the best appetizer prices. Tell my friends that morning and then eat and enjoy our company that evening at a reasonable rate! Tuesday Terra Telling!

My counseling session will follow.

Day 2: What Did I do?

Today I made an appointment for a counselor at The Center to have the preliminary session. I will have access to a counselor once a week to guide me through this process.

The one thing that makes me cry isn't about the disease itself, it's about losing the safe haven of friends and family around me. I reassure myself of the love that people have for me as a way to prevent me from the random outbursts of tears.

At this point I have confronted my reasons for doing what got me here, but I don't think I was ready to have the simple task of telling people be the biggest hurdle in this experience.

I have found www.thebody.com as a great resource to information about being diagnosed and the process for living with this as well as 10-ways to care for yourself.
http://www.gmhc.org/health/publications/ten_ways.html

How you can help yourself when you have HIV:
Reduce stress. Eat well. Exercise.

Really? Is it that simple? If I only knew this before!

I know that in the short future I am going to have to deal with the additional knowledge of more friends and family. I feel scared. The only way to battle the fear is to learn more about the alien babies, rather than question the misinformation people generally have about this disease.

Did you know that more people die of heart disease than HIV?
Did you know that you can get HIV from eating an infected person's dried apricots, cheesecake and other delicious treats HIV people put in their fridge for just them?
Did you know that most people, if not all people with HIV die?
Did you know there are more people without HIV that die than people with HIV?

So this is Day 2. I researched about this disease. I found ways to improve my general health, specifically ways to boost the immune system. Flavonoids! Learn about them and love them! I read about medications and how they can sometimes be irritable, not because of the combination of drugs but simply because of the kind of bacteria in your intestines.

Tonight I am going to have comfort food. Thai! Chinese medicine believes outside entities can be cures through sweating. Spicy food is one of those ways of getting rid of colds, the flu, disease - "I'll take drunken noodle with shrimp and a spicy 7."

How do I feel about getting this? I feel like life now with HIV is going to be a cruise ship in relation to those that died before me. They are the people that have raised awareness, money and general love so that I can receive medications that will let me live to see love, happiness and prevent me from doing what my dad says is the most tragic thing in the world. I will NOT die before my parents.

Day 1: Thanks Deborah

My anxiety was screaming through my fingertips by the time I arrived at the location for my test. I think this time was harder than most because recently I fell in love. Many years I thought and worried about having this disease, even when I had no reason to worry about. I wanted the burden of mystery on my shoulders and to ensure there was nothing either one of us had to worry about.

I made it here and now it was time to be honest with myself and clear my mind. Deborah greeted me at the front desk. "You can have a seat in the lobby area." I sat in a seat next to a bunch of kids scampering in play area.

As I sat I worried for myself, my friends, my family. I just met a guy a little over a month ago that left my heart, and his, basking in the sun of Cupid. I wanted to know for sure that it was ok to eventually make him my partner in crime.

I am typing on my netbook, Iago. Iago is the only one who sees everything I write, including the blog entries I edit and delete, the people I chat with, the obnoxious links to countless videos, the spreadsheets and photos of my boyfriend. He watches the lude sex habits to the countless happiness I banter with my friends and family.

Deborah calls me in. She is sarcastic, funny, has a dirty mouth, the "F" word comes out right away. I didn’t expect this from an HIV nurse and I have to say my anxiety was left in the waiting area.

I explain I am going to be the easiest person she will encounter. She will come to find out that paper work wise I might be the easiest but emotionally, I was not.

She goes through my history and documents that I don't have sex often and that it has been mostly safe but the occasional mishap. I don't have a drug history - I feel poppers are too much for me! I do drink, and she questions if I am an alcoholic and I explain that "I am the occasional binge drinker!" She is a little worried until she sees the sarcasm sign 12 feet high behind me. Deborah says I am very boring and I reassure her that I am quite boring, but if she wants I can go to the ally and snort something so I can help with the study.

Deborah continues with the test study information and letting me know that they only check for HIV. I get a little cheeky with her saying that I was hoping she would check down below! She insists "Never on the first date." I justify that she can in fact check by explaining our first date was when we met her in the lobby – it was our one night stand!

She goes through the mechanisms of what it would be like to have HIV and how it progresses through the body. She was a theater major and her antics were worthy of a clinical Tony award. Granted there were some flaws in her story. For instance, when explaining about the disease and using herself as a faux possessor of the disease, she identified HIV as little HIV babies in the body. I thought the connotation of baby was incorrect because most people love their babies. I preferred the term of "Alien baby" because HIV changes your DNA and would I really want succubus growing in my body. I feel these are more related to something found on mars than in our human realms. Second flaw was the lack of tap dancing. I think HIV clandestinely sneaks around your body in a suspicious manner, and the only way to see this is through tap dancing (or origami).

So after the dog, pony and alpaca show Deborah went back to get my results of the speedy swift 20 minute test.

Who ever knew a clock could be my enemy? I sat there and the tic-toc of the clock seemed to echo in a demonic way; kryptonite to a musician, it held prisoner to time. I counted in groups of four – tic-toc, tic-toc, I couldn't wean myself away from the noise. I can zero it out in waiting rooms, yoga class or at moments of awkward silence, but now? Tic-toc. tic-toc. I couldn't even sing "El Reloj" with "y tu tic-toc me recuerda, mi irremediable dolor - Reloj deten tu camino" I wanted the hands to stop ticking. Hold back time. “Deten el tiempo en tus manos.”

I was here. I was facing my fears and being honest with myself. And this guy who I have poured out my emotions, connected with, felt so at ease with; I could finally tell the truth and have someone to join with my life. To discover me, the individual that is so shy, so pensive, and self loathing and constantly learning about the trials of being human through pitfalls of emotional hurdles.

"Your tests show signs of HIV infection. You can go ahead and do what you need to do. If you need to say anything or cry or . . . "

I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to hurt. I finally felt the relief of anxiety. The fear that what if I get IT one day was gone. Then I thought what if I am the one to experience this and I watch as everyone sees me drift away. What if life is like "Angels in America" or "Lips together, teeth apart." I don't need to leave my body in a box with my family depressed at a beach house every year on September 16th just so they can say "He was such a nice guy!"

Was I a nice guy? Or was I just the devious slut who knew how to hide it well? Was I the one addicted to affection and depressed when I didn't receive it? Was I the one that needed to look in the eyes of someone and know that I was wanted, not loved, but wanted by another person? Or was I the one that wanted love from others so I could love myself?

It wasn't until I met this guy that I finally figured out how to love myself. My friends could show me to the bridge but none of them could take me across.

I didn’t cry at her new. Instead I turned to her and asked "What do I do now. I mean skip the blah blah blah I’m a dirty tramp and tell me the reality of it. What should I do now? Should i start taking medication? Should I see a counselor, if so who do you recommend? What about volunteering? I can volunteer for some hiv centers. What about health? Nutrition? I stopped drinking alcohol about a month ago and decided to start running half marathons again."

She stopped me. Up to this point Deborah had been more emotional than I had been. Maybe it's because she saw that inner light that we all have, and she saw the full potential I could not recognize. She stopped me and said to surround myself with people who will listen and love me. (Iago is watching me tear up as I type this). She said “there isn't much medical wise, and it was obvious you are taking healthy steps now, but the healthiest one is to take good care of you.” This makes sense, since health is the balance of mental, physical and social health.

After a few questions I looked at Deborah and realized she was pretty sad. This was not allowed. I was the one with HIV! I asked her where her sarcasm was now? She smiled.

We drew my blood. My blood that had HIV. My blood that was now infected with Alien babies. Babies in my belly, in my liver, in my penis wrinkles. Babies in my mouth, my eyes but not my toe fuzzies. Those are HIV free, but full of cotton and floor bacteria yuck!

She continued to coach me on and I asked her a question which I don't think she gets very often. I asked her how she reacts when she comes back to find out someone is positive and how she feels when delivering the news.

For the most part people know if they are or have habits that would lead them to being high risk. For me she took so long because she spent a lot of time in the back cursing. She knew I had been infected through poor choices but I wasn't one that she expected to get this. She used words that shouldn't have come out of her mouth and she had to recompose herself before letting me know.

It was that moment that I knew how unappreciative I was of my own life and the people I surrounded me. She gave me a hug and asked if I had someone to tell and someone to be with. I told her that I was getting free sushi from my roommate. He is the first to know and said he'd take me out. (This really wasn't the case but I knew that I could count on him.)

She gave me a hug and I went on my way.

I went home. I sat in the dark and found my friend Alex. I couldn't say it out loud so I typed it. What was I to lose now? Friendships? I have already lost those many of times. Alex is flying down this weekend. He offered to fly down my boyfriend (I didn't mention he's an undergrad in Northern California).

I told my roommate. He brought me sushi. He picked me up before he picked up the take out. I waited in the car as Vanessa Williams sang "Save the best for last." Really not the best song to hear after you find out you are Hi fived, then again what is the best song? Some cheesy love song, a string quartet by Ravel or Debussy, a Beetles hit about love?

I told my friend who revolves in a few circles of straight and gay friends. He invited us over to watch Glee. I didn't enjoy the episode so much as my friends cuddling next to me.

That touch we so long for it felt different. It felt sincere and needed.

I thought I would be at a different place when I found out. I thought I would immediately go have random sex, feel the pulse and touch from others who have felt the burden of news. Someone I could relate with on this new level. I thought I would be angry and alone.

I have told four friends, including my boyfriend. My boyfriend is getting tested immediately. I have this sinking fear that perhaps I spread it to him. We had safe sex but bodily fluids were exchanged.

My roommate (who doesn't move in until next week) dropped me off at home. I went online and chatted for a little more. I contemplated the people I could tell and who would listen and love me. I also went online looking for others who were positive, to talk. Unfortunately having a high libido, which already got me into trouble, can be a problem causer. I thought about having sex with someone who was one year affected. Carnal sex. Pure lust, touch, holding, relating but not connecting. If there was one promise I made to the boyfriend when we started this long distance relationship, one that I worry will not last, it was to make a connection. To love yourself a little more so that you would feel satisfied.

I was on the verge of caving in but I kept reminding myself - love yourself and feel that love or else don't waste your time.

This is Day one. The first day and beyond to the discovery that I am HIV positive. My first lesson was the understanding that I have friends who love me and friends who want me to live, be successful and exert the happiness onto myself, the same happiness I give to others.

Everyone was pretty sad and I told everyone that I need to laugh. I'm the one with HIV not them. Make me smile. There will be days when I am down and perhaps a time when I come to terms with having this disease and I know that I will have a shoulder to cry on.