Day 224: Oh My Father was a Therapist, Was A Therapist, was a therapist . . .

A mighty fine the rapist was he.  All day long he'd give some advice, give some advice, give some      advice, and when he'd come home . . . he'd tell you that there is a come around to this!

It's been 6 months.  Today I feel so much better since I last blogged on here.  Why?  Who knows, it could be several reasons.  What are they?  Well I can't tell you quite yet, but I can advise you on generalizations!

If you find yourself (And this is focused at you who is now reading it as generalized possible ways of coping for many freaky deakie things happening in the world) losing weight and gaining muscle, diminishing stress, and smiling a lot more because of several factors (spending a lot more time at the gym, riding a bike for 20 - 40 miles, running, swimming, eating well, discovering the core reason to your anxiety, removing yourself from factors that can increase anxiety, yoga, meditation, local fresh produce from farms, teaching blind people martial arts, using your hands to build, surrounding yourself with friends and family, discovering what bothers your mother and father deep down inside, having a live virus go in your body only to discover your levels of tcells and viral load stay pretty fucking low, having people tell you good job, having people thanking you for helping them figure out their own fears, saying fuck you to your fears, picking blueberries and blackberries, presiding over your friends wedding), then it's probably a good thing you chose the path to change.

Now for what's happening in my life.  At the moment I am just grateful to wake up and be able to acknowledge that I am happy.

Now for the fun stuff.  At this point in my life I realize that I have given my parents all the resources they need help them cope and understand who I am as a person.  I found out from my mom that she does not accept me being "gay" and that she blames herself.  This makes me realize maybe I shouldn't have got the hivs.  In fact I am going to see my doctor and tell her, you know what my mom doesn't like this hivs job thing that I got.  Can you do the surgeries to change it back?

If only life were that easy.  If only people were more accepting.  If only people would listen to more Sondheim and abide by the advice in his lyrics.

How do I respond?  Well 6 months ago I would have been searching for every way to ameliorate my mother's stress.  Today I realize I have given my parents all the resources they could possibly need, including inviting them to my therapist, appointments and life, so that they can see who I am as a person and not as this mysterious "gay" thing.  I hate labels.  I don't see myself as a gay man.  But my parents are quick to point out these stigmas.  I should say my mom is more than my dad.

My dad recognizes his traditional backgrounds and is open to change.  He doesn't understand it (my advice to try it you might like it didn't seem to help his comprehension) but he continues to accept that he has a pretty kick ass son.

And yes I did find myself accidentally getting a measles vaccination with a live virus and well, my tcells went down, my viral load was 132 then 300.  Almost doubled.  But still under the millions!  I think my next labs will show two things.  1.  If my viral load goes up, then i might be half human.  2.  If my viral load goes down and my tcells stay in the 500 - 600s, then yes Virginia, I am Superman.

I wish my parents would accept that their son is Superman, or at least half the man.  Superman was so gay.  Yes he did get married, but so do most gay men, living the life of Clark Kent at home and dressing up in skin tight clothing at night.

So I asked my mom to come to a therapy appointment.  She said no.  I talked with my dad and he was disappointed in my mom.  He even told her that if I had asked him to go to his therapy appointment, he would have dropped everything and went because he understands that's the support and parenting I need.  I need a family, friends, a hug, and most importantly, bike shorts that don't make my junk lose all feeling.