Day 225: Permission to Live

When I read that Jerry Brown and Arnold both elected to continue issuing marriage license to gays, etc. despite if a stay would be put in place, I felt human.  I felt like I was able to do something I wasn't permitted to do only because I was living life.  In fact I felt a layer of anxiety lifted off my soul because I know that I have been given permission to live my life how I want to.

In fact, I think I feel more oppressed as a person who is attracted to the same sex as opposed to someone who is vacationing with a semi-public stigma.

When I watched testimony that homosexuals are vectors for disease, all I could think about was "Really?  If that were true then maybe there wouldn't be so much hate and conflict among homosexuals.  Maybe there wouldn't be so many gay men fearful to have a relationship or just befriend someone with HIV because they might just get to close."

That never bothered me.


When I heard that gay marriage would lead to prostitution all I could think about was how many escorts and performers of the late late evening are probably a little more cautious about transmission rates compared to the population in general.  If prostitution was legal, maybe people lurking at night online wouldn't find themselves making poor choices and saying, "Hmmm my libido is high But you have a huge heart."  And when I say heart I mean penis.  At 1am your heart, mind, body and soul are all controlled by the penis.  This of course only works for gay men because lesbians have fallen asleep cuddling with the woman they met at happy hour and getting ready to go get their marriage certificate.

What bothered me is that I felt no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much hope I had I would always look at history, at society, at the adulterated research and see I can never have what I could always want, a relationship where I felt complete.  I couldn't even have second place, which is a proposal from a Trannie.

And now?

Now I can have it and with the second chance that opportunity is available, it increases the wavering hope from before and focuses it on a pathway to happiness.  For once I feel like there is hope that I can what makes me feel happy.

Why do we need permission to be happy?  Why do we have to fight for it?

I wonder if I valued relationships, love, if I was taught that I could have what I wanted instead of taking forth place and following a choice that seemed better than being withdrawn and alone then maybe I would have been able to ask for what I wanted.  Maybe I could have waited longer.  Maybe I would still be a virgin.  Maybe!