Day 34: The Day My Pal Goes Home

Morning: It is morning. I kissed the Pal and left him in bed. I showered alone. I made breakfast alone. I gathered my things. He came downstairs and gave me a kiss goodbye. I went to work.

Late Morning: I am at work. Things are busy. I worry that the Pal isn't entertained or is bored or feels neglected. I text him to make sure things are ok.

Early Afternoon: It's lunchtime. My Pal walked around the HC and had a bite to eat. I have been feeding the body food and water in hopes that I don't succumb to a headache or attitude because of lack of nutrition.

End of Work Day: I have been working so hard all day that I preoccupied my mind. I stopped thinking about everything except for the task at hand. I think the supplements have been helpful with this. I notice my headaches aren't as frequent. I am leaving work at 3:40 and get to spend an extra hour with the Pal. I sent him a text saying I know I failed at a few things and I want to know what he wants before he leaves.

Home: We hugged. We kissed. We ate nachos and had two margaritas each!

Evening Flight: I took the round-about way to the airport. We drove through Banker's Hill and saw a panoramic view of the bay. We paused the car in the middle of the street as a plant flew over us. I took him around the bay and used my amazing skills to find a curb side opening among the cluster--fuck of cars. I turned to him and for the first time I had an "airport" kiss. I had one of those kisses where someone was leaving on a jet plane. I smiled. He got out of the car. The elderly couple standing on the curb kept staring at me. I smiled and drove off. As I left I thought about our weekend.

Our weekend was filled with watching movies and cuddling, going out for hockey games, frozen yogurt, a bar. We took a dog for a walk, bought bread, made breakfast. We curled up to South Park and Family Guy. We made a poor man's lunch scraping from the miscellaneous scraps from around the house. We tickled and wrestled. We laughed a lot. We slept in too late, got up too early, stayed out past our bedtime and curled to a movie falling asleep half naked in the living room. We pondered all weekend how to pay back our friend that made this weekend possible. In fact we've thought a lot about it, coming up with every devious idea that would make him grin.

I drove home. I thought about how wonderful it was. I also thought about how at ease I felt. I remember watching family guy last night and hearing someone get AIDS again. As I drove away I thought about that. I thought "I have HIV. I am just a guy who can get it like the rest. I am no different from anyone else. I'm still that guy who can have a fun adorable weekend. I am still that guy that wants to be loved and return it with a heartfelt way. Sex might be a little more detailed but shouldn't it be anyways?"

As I drove home I realized HIV doesn't have to complicate relationships as much as you think. I don't have to feel that loneliness. I don't have to fear. I don't have to feel that drop in my stomach every time someone mentions HIV on TV, in a movie, in casual conversation. Each time I see a Mama's Kitchen poster, job working for the HIV Clinic or any other association with HIV I don't have to feel like scum because that's just the little voice on the left side lingering. It's just a voice in my head making me feel bad. Nothing more. I can't let that voice feed me guilt and frustration. I can't let it make me feel bad.

I deserve to still have a life. I deserve to be with anyone who says I am a wonderful individual and accepts me for all parts. I deserve to live a happy life. I deserve to treat myself well and accept the pain and pleasure. I deserve to be.

Bedtime