Day 33: Is It Age, Fear or Healing?

Every night since the Pal has been here I have promised sex. I have gotten aroused and excited and every night I get sleepy. It's not just sleepy, many times I just want to be with him. We've had sex a couple of times - once each morning. It's not as frequent as the last time he was down or I was up there. I wonder why my libido is so low. Why am I not putting out? Why am I so tired?

I keep asking myself am I scared? Am I getting old and tired? I'm not that different from when he visited me last time. Granted I have this emotional cloud over me that I am trying to clear up.

I wonder if maybe I just need a simple touch. Maybe I just need an intimate hug. I think about sex but I am not needing it as much. Why?

Why? It's the question I have been asking myself all weekend. Why haven't we done it multiple times a day? Why haven't we been in the shower and bedroom and living room and beach and park making out, and doing it. Why do I turn around and see his hard penis and think "cool" and then think question if I want sex? Should it even be a question?

I know many guys that stop having sex after they find out. There is a fear. There is a mode of insecurity. There is the fear of loving again or feeling worthy to be loved.

I am worrying to much and it's hard not to.

I worry that my low libido is making it hard for him. I should take it back, my libido isn't so much lowered, it's the way to please the body that has changed.

He spent a good 30 minutes massaging my knees and feet. All I could think about was what this was doing to my body. I thought about the chemicals released to aid my body. Each touch brought a sense of comfort and content to my soul. All clothes were on yet the simple touch to me seemed greater than the work up to an orgasm.

I need touch. I feel selfish. I owe him a massage. I fell asleep again last night.

I woke up about 2am. I watched him sleeping. He seemed content. I wanted to wake him up in a ravenous state of passion but I declined because the peace in that moment seemed so gratifying. I watched him a little more.

I pulled him into me, like a little spoon. I held him. I fell back asleep with him in my arms.

I fear the lack of sex might hinder things. Maybe time will pep it back up. I fear that my crazy libido is gone. I think about that. It's not gone. It's curled up taking a nap. My libido needs rest. My libido needs happy dreams. And when it wakes up it will be in a happy healthier state. Ready to feel the carnal cravings along side the intimate love and caress it so longs for.