Day 32: Week In A Daze

This week has gone by and I am completely in awe of how it went.  I felt like it was a "Bad" week.  I guess it was with all the refocusing at work and home, mishearing my appointment, having little details fucked up . . .

I realized at the end of the week I found myself grumpy, turned off, pretty much a jackass.  I would spurt out sarcastic comments to my roommate, I just didn't like this week so I passed the week onto others.

My Pal ended up coming.  He's here.  Sitting next to me.  We are watching Clarence, the wonder dog, sniff everywhere.  He's heading upstairs.  I am sure he is sniffing out the smells of love making.

Last night I went out.  I went to a bar and then I went to a UCSD Hockey game.  It was my first hockey game I have gone to.  Since they don't start till after 10pm I never had the energy to drive up there and go.  Well last night I decided to just go and do.  I went.  I took the Pal.  We went with Stef.  I played, I cursed, I had a little to drink.  Not much but just enough to be happy with the moment.

When my Pal flew in Thursday night I was still a little scared.  I think about it once in a while, of course at the key and sarcastic comments.  No you can't kiss me I have HIV.  No you can't do a cute underwear dance I have HIV.  Stop, don't drink from the same drink I have HIV.

My week and month has been such a daze.  My biggest fear is that I forget to do something important.  I forget to say something.  I forget to remember anything.

I've been in such an off mode and I recognize it.  I just want to figure out how to curb it.  Park it.  Remember me.  Remember my people around me.

My Pal came because I recognize I have been in such an off mood and he can help kick my ass back into shape.  He's been a component along with the rest of my friends.  Each one of my friends is like a different shape.  Each shape can be put together in a different pattern to make a bigger picture.

It's like tangrams. Some of my friends are square, some are triangles and some are trapezoids. Some are circles and only fit into specific pictures.

Trying to figure out what mood, what state of mind, what picture I am today requires a little patience and cheering up from several friends.

Maybe the Pal is the trapezoid I was missing, or perhaps he's a circle that I needed to feel how I am today. I get moments of happiness. I get random states where I am cheered up. I wouldn't say I am down, nor would I say the motivation is lost, it just feels like it's taking time to jump start. Everyone gives me kicks in the butt.

This weekend I got another one. Lucky for me it's been combined with several friends. Each one helping to further me along.

Today I had sex.

It was scary.

I won't lie, I was nervous before and during. I didn't know how to approach it. I feel more comfortable. I don't fear HIV transmission like I did before, at least now that I know the rules and regulations.

The emotional pain of trying to get yourself centered is far worse than any disease. If you can work on your inner strength, then what ever problem that crosses your path with have no other choice but to take a number, have a seat and wait it's turn to be dealt with.

"Now serving A32. Now serving A32"