Day 335:Dear Mom - Don't Cry.

Today my dad pulled me into the kitchen.  He asked if we could talk about my performance around the house.  What came about was that my dad is generally frustrated with my mom and I, as he feels (which I think he rightfully should) he does a lot of work on their house, in order to sacrifice the rest of his life.  One thing led to another and the conversation slippery sloped to me explaining simple communication would be a better solution.

As the conversation went further, I found out my mom doesn't feel like I am taking enough initiative nor asking what I could do.  I asked her why she doesn't ask me things nor takes the initiative to tell me how she feels instead of me finding out from my dad that she isn't comfortable with me being gay (let alone HIV positive).

I told her that I was hurt and I don't understand how she can complain about that and yet I try to be open and communicative with her. 

I went to my room and had to leave.  I cried.  My mom cried.  She came in and told me she was upset that I tell everyone but her what's going on in my life.  I told her that I try to tell her but sometimes all I get is her paying attention to Facebook as opposed to me.

I went into the bathroom and centered myself by taking a shower.  My mom cried.  She was helpless and didn't understand that to reach me means to reach herself.

I came out of the shower and my dad and I had a conversation about approaching each other.  I told him I am very upset that they tell me to take the initiative to do stuff and they tell me if I want something to ask.  So if that's the case why couldn't you use both of those pieces of advice for my birthday.  Ask me if I wanted to do something or just plan something?  Why do I need to ask you to do something special or surprise me?

I explained that if they want something they need to follow the advice they give.

I chatted with my friends online and told them what was going on.  My friend Esp invited me up for dinner. 

My mom was in the kitchen then went into her room and shut the door.

I went in and just hugged her.  She told me that I was right.  Maybe she spends too much time online.  Maybe she doesn't make the effort to talk to me.  Maybe she needs to do more.

I don't know how things will come about, but in order to get what I want I have to ask.

I have to tell my mom how I feel when she ignores me and that I need her as much as she needs me.

I left for dinner and felt better.

Breaking through to my parents has been a huge challenge, but if it weren't for this time now, I think I would be in a very bad place full of stress, loss of hope and a sense that I can't find that road I need to take.