Day 337: Old, Gay & Poz

Today I spoke in my group session of those friends in my life who have disabilities, diseases, and disorders and how they inspire me.  One of the men turned to me and mentioned how fortunate I was living now because things are easier.  He has been positive since 1984.  This made me think of a response that I may or may not share with the group at the next session.

"Hi my name is Paul.  I want to let you know that despite my youth and lack of modesty, I can still share inspiring words when needed.  What I need from the group is reassurance.  I feel a little uncomfortable.  You see in our last session someone spoke about being positive since the 90's.  I realize there might be some people positive since the 80's.  I have not even reached one year.  I haven't had HIV for long and I don't know much about living with it.  I haven't had any friends that have died from complications from AIDS and I was just a kid when Ryan White was speaking of his diagnosis.  I only met a few people with HIV when I was in school, I wouldn't know if any of my friends have HIV, although now I found out one of my college friends does and is doing well.

Me?  Well I am fortunate enough to have extremely low levels with an immune system barely making an effort to keep levels low. I visualize my immune system during yoga and swimming.  I take care of my stress and I find ways to make sure my body relaxes and lets it do its things.  Me and HIV, well we coexist.  HIV can stay, as long as it doesn't get messy, as long as it doesn't make me get sick or worry about other hurdles coming towards me.  That's my option I got with HIV, and I am very fortunate to have it.

I don't feel that it is my entire ticket to empathy.  I can't know what it means to struggle with HIV for so many years, to see the hurt people give from the stigmas attached.  I got past the initial fear and talked to my friends and family.  I talked to my co-workers, my students, my boyfriend, my gay friends, my straight friends, guys, girls.  They still love me.  They still want to know what's going on.  I didn't have the heavy rejection that comes with HIV.  In fact immediately I found doctors who were HIV specialists.  I got a therapist in fear I would bottom out.  I did all the means that I could to make myself fight off the hardship and seek out happiness.

There are many people in this room that are amazing, and are fighting battles that I may never see.  This makes me intimidated because my thoughts and feelings might not be accepted due to my lack of life or experience.

My voice teacher had cancer.  She told me it was just a word.  It wasn't a lifestyle, nor does it give you an excuse not to enjoy or do the things you need to do.  I was her last student before she died at 72.  She could do the splits even 5 days before she passed.  What was a 20-something to think of that advice?  After having two other college friends find out they had cancer, a job layoff, a possible paranoia-schizophrenic boyfriend/coworker right after college.

My aunt died when I was 10.  I watched her go through cancer, mistaken the sight in which she had a tumor and find out later it had spread.  Amputating her leg, all the wigs, and on her death bed no more hair, no more pain, no more feeling.

Another girl I volunteered at an organization for kids.  Seeing a girl there who never lived past 13 but received her dying wish, to ride a horse a week before she died.

I don't have HIV experience I have life experience and I have a lot of hope.  I might be young, and I may have not been involved with HIV until a year ago but I live on, and I inspire.  And I thank.  And I love.  And I hope.

After I was diagnosed I realized the only way I can do my part is to tell those people around me, hope they would still love me and teach them the reality of HIV.

What happened?  I have friends that have been so wonderful and continue to make me smile.  I have friends that have perhaps crossed your path because of me.  And I have friends that I will continue to seek understanding so that all of us with HIV do not fear it, feel ashamed or unaccepted.

What I really want from this group is reassurance that no matter what background we each have, each one of us has something important to contribute and should not be discounted just because of what we think might be lack of experience, age, creed, or anything else that would discount being open minded and lacking a smile."



We visualize in group and since I found out that I have HIV, I have had three scenes that come into my head.  Sometimes I see two of my t-cells floating along.  Both are sitting at a table with an umbrella.  Margaritas to the side, they sit there playing chess.  A virus, maybe HIV or something else, comes along and they tell it to please wait till they are done with the game.  At some point the virus can either die or kill it self while it waits.

I sometimes picture HIV and a Tcell playing cards and the HIV turns to the tcell and tells him "Well I guess it's time for me to go away.  Good game."  The Tcell says it was a good game but he's sorry he has to do this.  Tcell makes him go get flushed out of my system.

The last one is HIV are playing paintball with my Tcells.  My tcells are just sitting their chatting.  HIVs are taunting and the Tcells give them the birdie, shoot them down and head off to effortlessly hunt down the other HIVS.