Day 3: Counseling

Today I go in for my preliminary counseling session.

I have been thinking so much about this disease and reading about all my options through various online resources. I realize that so many people, myself included, remember the stereotypes of long ago and the terrifying side we see about this disease. We apply it now and put a stigma on this thing.

My voice teacher told me that "Cancer is just another word." I imagine that applies to any disease or disorder. You deal with it but don't put it up in that white tower.

Last night I talked with a various number of people online about how they were infected, what prompted it and how they coped. There seems to be a commonality with people. They have low self esteem, fear and anxiety over finally being HIV positive and a self destruction before and sometimes after.

I think people are scared at how this will affect their lives. They become terrified thinking about when it happens or if it is a possibility and push it on the back burner in hopes of it manifesting somewhere else.

Maybe I have come to terms that life never follows the path that you expect it, nor do the outcomes, as awful as they are at times, lead to a goal that we would expect. Yet somehow we make the most of it or realize that goal is really what we wanted or subconsciously manifested. We find opportunities whether conscious or not, and nurture the way to whatever comes about.

Today I am fearful and scared. I am still fearful that my boyfriend, who I still believe is my boyfriend, will have gotten this from me or not have it at all. I think that the chances of him getting it are very low and what it's like for one person to have it and the emotional roller-coaster afterwords. I fear the love that was genuine will be tainted on my part because I am not sure how complete I feel about myself. Let alone what I could give that to another person.

I haven't heard from him since I told him. I have to say just one day without exchanging a word makes my soul feel absent of life. I hope he is ok and recognize we all need space and time. When we really care for someone and they aren't there for support it really hurts.

The pain in those moments is just a taste of what I will feel in the months to come.

Each day is one day of coming to terms, not with just this disease, but with what led to this and how I will take steps to reconcile any pain, grief, anxiety and fear. How I approach this is going to determine how long it will take to make me at ease. I shy away from so many things, but now I can no longer do that. If I want to make this thing get it's ass-whooping it deserves then I need to show that it picked the wrong person to possess.

I have read about who I should tell. At this point I have been lucky to approach 6 people and have a great response. I have backed away for a bit of informing people because each person I tell starts balling like a pussy bitch and I even more. It feels great but really - crying twice a day for three days in a row on average - that's just way to much. Maybe I should pick a day with the best appetizer prices. Tell my friends that morning and then eat and enjoy our company that evening at a reasonable rate! Tuesday Terra Telling!

My counseling session will follow.