Day 4: Kissing in the Sand

The hardest moment is admitting to yourself that you have a + now. The next hardest moments will be telling your parents, siblings, dog and the one you love. By far the relationship is the one will be the difficult hurdle. Who really wants to disrupt the bond with their best friend.

I had two practice admissions before I told the boyfriend. They were very good reactions even though I could only type and text them. It took a bit before I could actually find the words coming out of my mouth.

"I tested positive for HIV antibodies. I am HIV positive."

I had doubts in the back of my mind whether or not I might have been infected. The paranoia and anxiety; I believed that I had HIV for so long.

I honestly knew something was different about this guy because I wanted to make sure before we advanced our sexual habits, that we would be safe and secure. Clear the air as they say. I didn't think I would be clearing the air to expose thunder, lightning, Smog!

Of course life doesn't work for you. How many people really get what they want? I know I do, but I receive all the things I never expected to and never get those things I want or expect.

Who wants to be alone? "I do I do!" Can you hear the cheers of countless children who wished people would shut up and leave them alone? Never wanting to be picked for a team sport and never having a group to play monopoly with? I want my best friend. I want my person to play chess with. I want my hug. I want our life back.

What is it that rushes through your head? I felt tough and said if I lose him then I do. But really, isn't that the bullshit answer people use so they don't have to fight for what they want?

Do I have the energy to fight?

And then the dark cloud of gloom rushes in and by far the only way that cloud will ever clear is when you are honest with yourself and know what is right to do.

You tell him.

And then you wait.

If you thought the tic tocs of the clock were long, think again. It's not just the waiting for them to respond, but every single moment after that where you try to understand trust, compassion, love. Discuss fantasies with boundaries. Make amends with anger.

I'm wasn't ready to finally meet someone I feel so wonderful with, only to realize we had a good thing going, going, gone.

Don't ever make out on a sandy beach drunk. The kisses become gritty and rough. Something is continuously interrupting the moment, reminding you that there are other people around, that you are lacking a blanket at night and that water may approach soon. Sandy make out sessions are not fun however cuddling on the beach is great. Am I ready for just cuddling on the beach? How can I get rid of the sand? If only it was as simple as walking away from shore to shake the sand out of your pants.