Day 3: Gays Like da Picnic

Why did I stop going to the park and sitting under the shade of trees? Why did I stop going on bike rides on Sunday mornings? Why did I stop watering my garden?

I am sitting under a tree waiting for public transportation to go my way. I texted my sister to pick me up from the shuttle stop. If she does I think I might tell her where I am going and see if she wants to join me. If she doesn't then she can come another time.

I feel at this point, as much as I would like to tell her or my family, it's going to be a lot to digest. At this point they have an understanding that gay men can't have kids. That there is no space in the attraction of both sexes. When I told my mom about my boyfriend she asked if this meant I was gay now?

Would the same misconceptions happen when I tell them about HIV? I know about a year ago I myself discovered the difference between HIV and AIDS.

Someone with HIV might never develop AIDS. AIDS can cause so many complications that leads to other things. HIV does not create lesions, chills or speedy painful bm's.

Think of HIV as a lit match. It hits the grass, ignites the forest, destroys everything in sight except for the Earth. What next? The seeds that have been hiding, awaiting their shell to melt away from the fiery AIDS, so that they can bloom, take over and reproduce. Lucky those seeds and plants don't destroy our planet because of the large balance that exists. We might be described as the size of Earth, but we, at many times are no match for those things our body could normally keep at bay.

A single match is all it takes to ignite that flame inside of us. Why did we light that match? Why play with that fire? I can think of so many actions that would give similar thrills and not the same damage.

I wish I could understand This. "This" implying to so many things. This life, this body, this hunger, this soul, this person, this world, this moment.

Perhaps having This will force me to figure out why the bus is late. Oh the waiting is KILLING me. Wait wait wait. All we do is wait for test results, wait for people, wait for time. Wait a fucking minute - the counselor isn't here - you were supposed to call me but didn't have my number I clearly gave you? I just spent all day moving my schedule and missing office pizza, getting my sister to pick me up, dropping her off, zooming over so that I could come in early and I find out there is no one here! I can't even fill out the lengthy forms? I told my sister I couldn't get food with her because I had an appointment and it's canceled? I needed to vent about this. Where are you? I needed to talk about the boyfriend.

I ended up grabbing tacos with my sister and hanging out with college friends. I didn't tell her nor them. I needed a night where I didn't have to think about it or change the mood. My sister and I had a great dinner together. I really enjoy her company. We spend our meal talking and people watching. I didn't have to worry nor did I worry about telling her. In due time it will happen but for now we share a burrito with mole and chicken without fear, anxiety and lots of smiles.

Later, all my college friends were intoxicated except for me. I lost myself in the dense amounts of laughter only to be brought back to HIV land at the scratch of one of the cats. It had barely pierced the skin. I saw blood. I realized caution needs to be taken, always.