Day 1: Thanks Deborah

My anxiety was screaming through my fingertips by the time I arrived at the location for my test. I think this time was harder than most because recently I fell in love. Many years I thought and worried about having this disease, even when I had no reason to worry about. I wanted the burden of mystery on my shoulders and to ensure there was nothing either one of us had to worry about.

I made it here and now it was time to be honest with myself and clear my mind. Deborah greeted me at the front desk. "You can have a seat in the lobby area." I sat in a seat next to a bunch of kids scampering in play area.

As I sat I worried for myself, my friends, my family. I just met a guy a little over a month ago that left my heart, and his, basking in the sun of Cupid. I wanted to know for sure that it was ok to eventually make him my partner in crime.

I am typing on my netbook, Iago. Iago is the only one who sees everything I write, including the blog entries I edit and delete, the people I chat with, the obnoxious links to countless videos, the spreadsheets and photos of my boyfriend. He watches the lude sex habits to the countless happiness I banter with my friends and family.

Deborah calls me in. She is sarcastic, funny, has a dirty mouth, the "F" word comes out right away. I didn’t expect this from an HIV nurse and I have to say my anxiety was left in the waiting area.

I explain I am going to be the easiest person she will encounter. She will come to find out that paper work wise I might be the easiest but emotionally, I was not.

She goes through my history and documents that I don't have sex often and that it has been mostly safe but the occasional mishap. I don't have a drug history - I feel poppers are too much for me! I do drink, and she questions if I am an alcoholic and I explain that "I am the occasional binge drinker!" She is a little worried until she sees the sarcasm sign 12 feet high behind me. Deborah says I am very boring and I reassure her that I am quite boring, but if she wants I can go to the ally and snort something so I can help with the study.

Deborah continues with the test study information and letting me know that they only check for HIV. I get a little cheeky with her saying that I was hoping she would check down below! She insists "Never on the first date." I justify that she can in fact check by explaining our first date was when we met her in the lobby – it was our one night stand!

She goes through the mechanisms of what it would be like to have HIV and how it progresses through the body. She was a theater major and her antics were worthy of a clinical Tony award. Granted there were some flaws in her story. For instance, when explaining about the disease and using herself as a faux possessor of the disease, she identified HIV as little HIV babies in the body. I thought the connotation of baby was incorrect because most people love their babies. I preferred the term of "Alien baby" because HIV changes your DNA and would I really want succubus growing in my body. I feel these are more related to something found on mars than in our human realms. Second flaw was the lack of tap dancing. I think HIV clandestinely sneaks around your body in a suspicious manner, and the only way to see this is through tap dancing (or origami).

So after the dog, pony and alpaca show Deborah went back to get my results of the speedy swift 20 minute test.

Who ever knew a clock could be my enemy? I sat there and the tic-toc of the clock seemed to echo in a demonic way; kryptonite to a musician, it held prisoner to time. I counted in groups of four – tic-toc, tic-toc, I couldn't wean myself away from the noise. I can zero it out in waiting rooms, yoga class or at moments of awkward silence, but now? Tic-toc. tic-toc. I couldn't even sing "El Reloj" with "y tu tic-toc me recuerda, mi irremediable dolor - Reloj deten tu camino" I wanted the hands to stop ticking. Hold back time. “Deten el tiempo en tus manos.”

I was here. I was facing my fears and being honest with myself. And this guy who I have poured out my emotions, connected with, felt so at ease with; I could finally tell the truth and have someone to join with my life. To discover me, the individual that is so shy, so pensive, and self loathing and constantly learning about the trials of being human through pitfalls of emotional hurdles.

"Your tests show signs of HIV infection. You can go ahead and do what you need to do. If you need to say anything or cry or . . . "

I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to hurt. I finally felt the relief of anxiety. The fear that what if I get IT one day was gone. Then I thought what if I am the one to experience this and I watch as everyone sees me drift away. What if life is like "Angels in America" or "Lips together, teeth apart." I don't need to leave my body in a box with my family depressed at a beach house every year on September 16th just so they can say "He was such a nice guy!"

Was I a nice guy? Or was I just the devious slut who knew how to hide it well? Was I the one addicted to affection and depressed when I didn't receive it? Was I the one that needed to look in the eyes of someone and know that I was wanted, not loved, but wanted by another person? Or was I the one that wanted love from others so I could love myself?

It wasn't until I met this guy that I finally figured out how to love myself. My friends could show me to the bridge but none of them could take me across.

I didn’t cry at her new. Instead I turned to her and asked "What do I do now. I mean skip the blah blah blah I’m a dirty tramp and tell me the reality of it. What should I do now? Should i start taking medication? Should I see a counselor, if so who do you recommend? What about volunteering? I can volunteer for some hiv centers. What about health? Nutrition? I stopped drinking alcohol about a month ago and decided to start running half marathons again."

She stopped me. Up to this point Deborah had been more emotional than I had been. Maybe it's because she saw that inner light that we all have, and she saw the full potential I could not recognize. She stopped me and said to surround myself with people who will listen and love me. (Iago is watching me tear up as I type this). She said “there isn't much medical wise, and it was obvious you are taking healthy steps now, but the healthiest one is to take good care of you.” This makes sense, since health is the balance of mental, physical and social health.

After a few questions I looked at Deborah and realized she was pretty sad. This was not allowed. I was the one with HIV! I asked her where her sarcasm was now? She smiled.

We drew my blood. My blood that had HIV. My blood that was now infected with Alien babies. Babies in my belly, in my liver, in my penis wrinkles. Babies in my mouth, my eyes but not my toe fuzzies. Those are HIV free, but full of cotton and floor bacteria yuck!

She continued to coach me on and I asked her a question which I don't think she gets very often. I asked her how she reacts when she comes back to find out someone is positive and how she feels when delivering the news.

For the most part people know if they are or have habits that would lead them to being high risk. For me she took so long because she spent a lot of time in the back cursing. She knew I had been infected through poor choices but I wasn't one that she expected to get this. She used words that shouldn't have come out of her mouth and she had to recompose herself before letting me know.

It was that moment that I knew how unappreciative I was of my own life and the people I surrounded me. She gave me a hug and asked if I had someone to tell and someone to be with. I told her that I was getting free sushi from my roommate. He is the first to know and said he'd take me out. (This really wasn't the case but I knew that I could count on him.)

She gave me a hug and I went on my way.

I went home. I sat in the dark and found my friend Alex. I couldn't say it out loud so I typed it. What was I to lose now? Friendships? I have already lost those many of times. Alex is flying down this weekend. He offered to fly down my boyfriend (I didn't mention he's an undergrad in Northern California).

I told my roommate. He brought me sushi. He picked me up before he picked up the take out. I waited in the car as Vanessa Williams sang "Save the best for last." Really not the best song to hear after you find out you are Hi fived, then again what is the best song? Some cheesy love song, a string quartet by Ravel or Debussy, a Beetles hit about love?

I told my friend who revolves in a few circles of straight and gay friends. He invited us over to watch Glee. I didn't enjoy the episode so much as my friends cuddling next to me.

That touch we so long for it felt different. It felt sincere and needed.

I thought I would be at a different place when I found out. I thought I would immediately go have random sex, feel the pulse and touch from others who have felt the burden of news. Someone I could relate with on this new level. I thought I would be angry and alone.

I have told four friends, including my boyfriend. My boyfriend is getting tested immediately. I have this sinking fear that perhaps I spread it to him. We had safe sex but bodily fluids were exchanged.

My roommate (who doesn't move in until next week) dropped me off at home. I went online and chatted for a little more. I contemplated the people I could tell and who would listen and love me. I also went online looking for others who were positive, to talk. Unfortunately having a high libido, which already got me into trouble, can be a problem causer. I thought about having sex with someone who was one year affected. Carnal sex. Pure lust, touch, holding, relating but not connecting. If there was one promise I made to the boyfriend when we started this long distance relationship, one that I worry will not last, it was to make a connection. To love yourself a little more so that you would feel satisfied.

I was on the verge of caving in but I kept reminding myself - love yourself and feel that love or else don't waste your time.

This is Day one. The first day and beyond to the discovery that I am HIV positive. My first lesson was the understanding that I have friends who love me and friends who want me to live, be successful and exert the happiness onto myself, the same happiness I give to others.

Everyone was pretty sad and I told everyone that I need to laugh. I'm the one with HIV not them. Make me smile. There will be days when I am down and perhaps a time when I come to terms with having this disease and I know that I will have a shoulder to cry on.