Today I went to my HMO doctor. The original doctor I saw is billed through my PPO and the doctor I went to see today is provided through my HMO benefits. I have insurance that let's me see anyone I want and they can choose to bill through the HMO or PPO. Finding a specialist in the HMO is pretty tough. If you find a doctor or are referred then that's great and it falls in your circle of providers. With a PPO you can pretty much pick anyone. HMO can be cheaper, however if you want to get Yoga Physical Therapy chances are your HMO is going to laugh at you!
Well today my HMO laughed at me when they told me my appointment was for Friday. FRIDAY!
How could I miss that one. "Oh Dr. Zweig has half days on Thursday and isn't here now. How could you even be scheduled on a Thursday with him?"
How could I? Well the phone person nurse lady said I was! WTF Did I really write down the wrong date?
I really am feeling a haze over the past couple of months, since my sinus headaches and lymph nodes have been swollen and uncool. Just when I think I am coming out into a clearing, SLAM I am hit in the head and dragged back into the woods.
I don't know how I can regain sight. I feel like I am so distracted and can't understand which way is up.
I realize of course this is the mental problems that come with finding out news that you have a disease or disability. Concentration decreases in general because you are bombarded with thoughts, information, emotions on top of your real life duties.
I just want to bring order back. I am not talking sexy back. I don't care about sexy. I just want order. I just want peace. It's getting closer and closer and right when I feel like I am on top of these I realize I have been wavering on a stool with one leg.
If I seem out of it. It's not that I don't remember you, it's just that I am thinking about so many other things right now that I can't seem to remember to stop and smell the lavender.
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Ummm... Maybe yoga will help? Paul, paul, paul... you have your shit together... we all KNOW you do. And yes, you have a lot on your mind... a LOT of stuff is running through your head and it's still early in your, "gather information, understand, learn, get familiar with, get used to" phase. It's going to take some time and you need to know that your body/mind/full-self will get to that point soon enough. You can't force this "clearing" to happen. Now if you were in the Amazon, it'd happen REALLY fast... but you're wanting a different kind of clearning and you'll get there... you have to have patience. There's no forcing this and your body/mind will get there when it's ready. Just accept that as it is... relax... take deep breaths... take care of yourself... and you'll get there. :)
ReplyDeleteLots of people love you and are there for you... all you need to do is ask. Okay? xoxo -Donny