Day 105: Friendship Scale

It's Monday night and I made it back from Orange County.  I got a new cell phone and I had a therapy session.

So in therapy I am working on improving my assertive skills.  I applied them immediately after my session.

I am finding that I am evolving into the next plateau of maturity.  I promise I will still retain the banter and inappropriate commentary - don't worry!

I feel like as I confront this disease and I work towards gaining high skills in being assertive I can't seem to be as stoic with areas that I once took in stride and scuffed off.

I encountered this over the break.  My therapist talked about this, but first we talked about the layers of friendships.  She asked me about this before we even started and it was because of this Friendship Scale, that she was able to point out how to deal with my situation.

We all know there are friends and acquaintances in our lives.  Some people we can say penis to with out getting offended while other people might thing you are crazy.  So here I present the three tiers.

First tier are acquaintances.  This tier can span out into several levels, whether it be co-workers, regular party goers, people you add on facebook because you had drinks with them after a concert, or any number of people that you may or may not want to see on a regular basis.

The second tier are good friends that are in your life for a short period of time.  These are the people who you have maybe a few months to a few years of support and friendship.  These are the people that might move away but you may or may not see them again.  Sometimes they can come back into your life but usually you will see a break.

The last tier are the people that you talk to or visit more than once a year.  These are the people you can identify several commonalities in your life and these friendships last more than 5 - 10 years.  These are the people that you have to see or you will just die.  These are people that you can go a few years without seeing and when you do it feels like time hasn't past.  This happens with the second tier, the difference is you actually see these people more frequently.

There is a forth tier but very few people make it to that one.  That would be your best friend, your life partner, your spouse, your children and your dog, cat or animal - people you would need therapy if they were to suddenly disappear from your life.

So why the tiers?  Well when you identify which tier your friends are in then it makes it easier to understand their placement in your life and how much time you can or should invest in them.  Sometimes we invest our time in the wrong people and other times we don't invest enough time for the right people.

If one of your friends did something wrong, treated you in a poor way or did something behind your back, having tiers can help determine how to deal with them in a justifiable manner. 

For example a friend in tier one, if they did something bad you probably would want to eliminate them from your networks or find a clandestine way to not talk to them.  Why put the energy into something that is going to end badly or lead to countless bar hours talking smack about old co-workers?

If you friend is in the second or third tier, it might be time to rethink their level of friendship in relation to how you were treated.  With these it would be proper to say WTF or even drop them down a level.  It's common human behavior to repeat mistakes.  No sense of getting burned several times - just be prepared.

What it comes down to is this.  You are amazing.  I am not directing this at myself although I know I am amazing in my ridiculous quirky jackass retarded ways.  Hey I know that and it's ok cause I am gay!  But you?  Yes you too are amazing.  So why do you need to be taken advantage of?  Why do you need to sacrifice your time to improve yourself, your health, your well-being for other people that aren't there to compliment your friendship and grow with you?

We all have our moments, but sometimes people aren't growing with you.

I think to have a really tight friendship you need to have 3 or more activities in common.  FYI - Drinking is not an activity, it's an accessory that can be a part of all activities but the act of sitting down and drinking and starring at each other - boring and not on the list, well at least not on mine. 

With that said, last Thursday I had a friend that asked me to be part of the family by participating as a Godparent.  If you know  how I am around kids or animals then you know how much I love them and can't wait until one day I can have my very own!  They didn't have a Godfather chosen so I said I wouldn't mind. The ceremony was a short distance from Debbie's house and was on Saturday.

The first thing I did was find two wonderful chants to sing.  I wanted to give the child a prayer that would be appropriate to the ceremony and also something that I would sing and really believe in the hope and love that the text speak about.  I also did some online research about being a Godfather, although a lot of it was how to be like Al Pacino.  I can do that!  And last what to give the kid in his years to come.  I was excited to be the one to send him tasty bottles of booze in his college years to accompany the soft plush items he had there kept from items given in his early years.

On Saturday morning I texted her for the address of the church.  I received a text with the address and saying that the husband did not want me to be the Godfather because I would drink his port when he got older.  I texted back ok and then received a text that said I hope you can still make it.

I am still baffled.  My therapist and I talked about this.  Ok so you talk to your spouse before making these choices, but I was in college with both of them.

Ok so you don't want me to do it make up a story that will let me down with comfort.  Say your mother didn't accept the fact that I was a homosexual and it's against the catholic way . . . still hard to hear but less hurtful.

I got a couple other texts thanking me for not showing up and telling me I better fly out for the husband's birthday.

So the assertive skills came out.  I texted her the entire response to how I felt and that I didn't think it was nice.

Her reasoning was that I was prematurely asked and would not be a good spiritual leader for their child.  Ok maybe I don't know enough about being a Catholic or anything about dealing with children.  Fair enough.

She didn't think it meant that much to me.  Well of course after singing in the Catholic Church for 7 years I meant nothing I sang about to the kids receiving their baptism or first communion.

She said she didn't think I would wanted to do it anyways, that it was their son.  Ok yes it's your child, accepted.

She said they didn't have a Godfather anyways.  So what your are saying is you would rather have no one than me.  Could you just lie and say your mom didn't want me to do it?

So what kind of friend am I to you?  I wondered that.

I told my therapist that it made me question what priority I have given them and how I should handle this.  How do we handle people that hurt us?  Maybe they didn't realize the hurt?  But after so many years, wouldn't you want someone you believe in to really be there for you and your family?

And that was it.  I don't really feel the confidence.  Perhaps I lost trust over the years and maybe their knowledge of me having HIV has deflected their thoughts.  Who knows?

First things first.  You - yes you, you should never let anyone bring you down, especially after you are disappointed.  If you are then you need to let them know.  If their answer is anything but I am sorry how can we fix this, then it's time to rethink your friendship.

My therapy session wasn't spent deducing the friendship tier, it was spent saying out loud, I can't just ignore this and I didn't.

I asked her when she figured out how to not insult me after hurting or offending me then maybe we could talk.  In the meantime, please don't get insulted if I shy away from this friendship.

After I said this I felt better.  I told a few friends and received several stories of similar situations and praises of how I will be a great dad one day and it's a sad loss for the cute kid!

We choose our friends and our friends choose us.  How we want to foster friendships is a team effort.  I felt like the team let me down.  But why am I worried?  I have lots of teams who are ready to cheer me on.

Go you!  Go me!  Go us!