Day 106: Mommy and Me

I realize with assertion comes accountability.  Ensuring you are keeping yourself responsible with friends and family. 

You must recognize the times to be stoic and the times to speak your mind.  When you speak your mind you need to ensure that you communicate in a way that isn't hurtful but still expresses your feelings.  You also need to know your own truth.

My mom and I have been communicating more via chat.  I feel like I should be saying things verbally, however I realize we need to take things in steps.  My mom needs a few steps.  I am working with her on getting a therapist and letting her know how important it is to her and my sister that she take time for her self.  I remind her how amazing she is and how she has inspired my sister and I.  She continues to lose herself and now is the time to find it.

I try to reassure to her that therapy isn't just for depression or anxiety, it's a tool to help you come to terms with who you are and find the ways to improve yourself.  And to do it with someone that can be objective and also give you lessons in communication.

I am steps closer to getting help for her.  I say help, really she needs someone to tell her problems to other than my dad. 

She wants to be a better person, more active, fit, outgoing but can't figure out why she isn't improving.  My dad is a great guy for advise but he's to close to her and she needs an outside resource.

I hope my mom doesn't turn into a monster!

Part of the conversations I had with my mom were about HIV and how I got it.  I typed openly and freely to her about it and explained my current tests.  She said sh figured out after chatting with my dad what I had.  She went to work and cried.

There it was.  My fear.  The thing that would haunt me the most about this.

And with every fear you either kick it's ass or let it eat you alive.

My mom and I talked.  She told her coworker who is a good friend of hers.  My mom told me that she and her coworker took and HIV/AIDS class for certification credits after that, so they could learn more about this.

My mom also told me no matter what they would always love me and be there for me.

Isn't that a great feeling?  Acceptance. 

I had to get a disease to become closer to my family and to understand that I won't let down.

I am lucky and fortunate to have such wonderful support.