Day 58: Pal is Back

So the Pal is coming tonight so we can both run a half marathon on Sunday.  I really am having a hard time telling my parents.  My Pal offered to be support to me and to basically tell me "Stop being a pussy bitch!"  Cause really that's what I am doing.  Delaying the situation and therefore letting fear win.

No more pussy bitch.  No more fear.

Day 57: Two Months; New Doctor

Today marks two months today since I found out I have HIV.  I saw my new HMO doctor today.  His first call was to start medication right away, although when I told him my numbers he asked me to repeat them because he thought they were wrong, since it's rare to have someone with numbers like that.

I told him that I have done my homework and I don't want to start medication just yet.  I want to see how my body will react to this disease through self-care.  I suggested that I get tested every 2 months for now so that we can see how my viral load will be and we can establish a baseline.  He thought that was a good plan, not his usual nerdy thing, but a something that was thought out and something he was definitely willing to work with.

He said to do some research in the medications and my response was that I will, although now I am too overloaded and that's something that I need time for.

So I talked to my dad on the phone.  I couldn't say it.  I just liked hearing him talk about what's going on in his life that I just couldn't bring it up.  Should I call him back or wait for the weekend?

Day 56: Friends are Fun

I spent the evening drinking and eating with friends.  I think in a matter of 6 hours I brought up hiv once which means I don't think about it quite as often, which means I am not so isolated and self conscious about having it.  Now I just have to tell my parents.

Day 55: Giving Yourself The Gift of Happiness

I went for a massage today.  He asked me what is hurting.  I told him nothing was, except that I was a little stressed.  At the moment I have a couple of people who are in situations where they are overloaded and not sure what to do.  At times I can handle people telling me their problems, so much as they deal with them.  At the moment I am overloaded with requests.  This is not to say I don't want to hear them, I just want to see steps taken to deconstruct the problem and tackle it.

I am really happy with myself.  People see how happy and well I am doing.  It's was never easy to get to this point, and for my friends who are unhappy, it takes work, facing your fears, faltering and finally doing something small to change yourself for the better.  Simple steps are all you need to do.  Just don't criticize your self or others and don't hold it inside.  Find a way to release and to get rid of the built up tension.  Find a way to release that makes you happy.

My massage is one of those simple steps.  I would rather not do social activities but instead give myself time to regroup.  Letting my self go.

2 hours of not thinking.  2 hours of letting someone beat my body from head to toe.  2 hours I give to my body to lay in peace.

I came home after the massage, drank some water, went to bed and had a wonderful night of sleep.

Day 54: Deadlines

So I set Sunday as my deadline to tell my parents.  I ended up driving to the beach and just thinking.

Do you ever go to the beach late at night to watch the moon set?  I remember at midnight on my first birthday in San Diego I went to the beach, alone, not knowing anyone down here, and I spent the moments turning another year older watching the moon hit the waves.

I did that again.

I thought.

I dreamed.

I sighed.

Day 53: Coffee and the 80's

I have chatted with a few people online who have HIV.  I have met a couple of them.  I went for coffee for one today out of curiosity.  He was diagnosed in 1991 and I wanted to know what it was like to be diagnosed then and to be still here now.

I can pretty much describe the experience as pretty much being like every movie involving HIV except for when on departure he really paused and said things are going to be alright for me.  He started to tear up as he passed on advise about living with HIV.  I could see in those short moments of tears all the fear, burden, trauma and solitude for the last 18 years of living with this.  I could see a little guilt having never been sick or close to death.  I could hear the quivers in his voice as he wanted to reassure me that I was going to be fine.

He said "I wish my diagnosis was now instead of back then, but I can't go back.  You are very lucky because you don't have to worry.  You don't have the anxiety built up surrounding the illness, deterioration, medications and death."

He noted that all I have to do is make sure I am checked every 3 months, stay healthy and take my medications.  I corrected him and said medication singular.  He confirmed now taking one pill a day.

I can only imagine how isolated people get and how much more lonely they are when diagnosed years ago.

With any disease, with any movement, there are people who have sacrificed a huge ordeal so that many people can now live our lives without the circus.  Are we shocked with jungle fevuh couples?  Do we laud women for getting out of the kitchen and wearing shoes?  Homosexuals have parades and festivals that heterosexual children, couples and friends support - do we question their safety?  Oprah can say breast, cancer and vibrator on national television but who discourages people from watching Oprah holding up a vibrator or talking about Christina Applegate's breasts? Hell no!

Day 52: Coming To My Own

It's therapy Friday!  I come to therapy and am so excited.  It's my weekly check to know that I am doing well.  I think that I am good with myself and don't need therapy, but it feels great to come in each week and remind me on my time.

They say it takes about 3-6 months to break a bad habit by replacing it with something better.  I think having a reminder each week of how well I am and how much good I am doing for me is a great way to jump start my happiness, and let it last the rest of my life.

Day 51: Friends Benefit from HIV

HIV isn't all bad.  If you have a friend with HIV, you can use it as a trump card to help you with your career, school, and life.

Here are some ways to use HIV disclosure to help you.

1.  Tell your professor and you can have exams delayed or skipped.

2. Tell your co-workers and you will get free coffee or lunch.

3.  Tell your mother-in-law and she will fix comfort food and be nice.

4.  Tell your date and they will comfort you or better yet, score!

5.  Tell your pet.  They will cuddle with you all night long.

Day 50: Where Did This Wall Come From?

I was having such a great day.  I had an excellent yoga class, I was turning around a lot of work, I even was snacking on healthy snacks all day.  Around 3:45pm I hit a wall.  Not literally!  That same wall you hit during a marathon.

I stopped.  I went for a walk.  I regrouped.  I allowed myself to take a break.  Then I pushed through in a steady fashion.  I opened up myself to receive news in a happier manner instead of letting exhaustion influence my answers.

I put focus on what will happen later in the evening.  Later on I will have spicy 10 on the 1-10 scale of Thai Food.  Spicy 10 yellow curry and drunken noodle.  The thought of spicy 10 made me leap over the wall and broke it down.

Day 49: Excuse Me!

I went for my physical today.  It was my first.  I really didn't know what to expect.  I figured it would be fun since the lights went low and a disco ball came down.

The whole experience was so clinical.  He didn't even buy me a drink!

I was disappointed that all the flu shots had been given out.  The swine flu shot isn't ready yet.  My doctor predicts that my reaction to the flu would be the same as if I didn't have HIV.  Since my levels are both very low he reassured me that my health is going to help fight it off.

I was happy to learn that my virus is fucked.  Every medication will work against it so really I just have to choose the easiest one and good bye!

My doctor said that I am really lucky because he has patients who are on medication and have higher viral loads than mine without.

Regular screenings, staying healthy, lowering stress levels, taking control of my well being - in general they really help in ways we could never understand.