Day 6: Counseling Finally (sort of)

Today I went in for the initial counseling consultation at the center in San Diego. There were a few people in the lobby and lots of couch space. I sat in the back corner and pulled out Iago. He was a little scared. We calmed each other down by listen to "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me."

While waiting for my appointment I looked down at my foot and saw a purple spot. With all jokes aside I immediately thought lesion. (Why did I start reading Angels in America?) I was frozen. So many scary thoughts ran through my head until I came to the last one . . . "You can't have lesions you don't even have AIDS."

Just like a cold, sore throat, sinus headache, chills, couch all can be mistaken for infection with HIV, a spotted cold foot attached to an anxious body might be thought to be something associated with AIDS.

I am called in for my session.

It's not really a session it's an information collection hour. I spent an hour talking about myself. Who I was, information about my infection, what I expect to receive from counseling and why I want it.

I wore an SDSU/SUCS shirt and Julia couldn't stop looking at it. She finally stopped to ask if it said "Sucs." After the first laugh I felt at ease and ready to talk about what I felt. I mentioned my fears with the boyfriend, future anxiety and discontent. I flashed my thoughts of disappointment in myself and from others. I let her know that I tend to take on the burdens of others even when it's not my fault or responsibility and I don't want this. I don't want to drag myself in the gutter and have hours of self pity and sulking.

I realize I am on a better path for myself but I don't want to fall into places without hope. Desolate in the valley of sadness, as happy and hopeful as people see me, there is the opposite side that lingers near. It's easy for me to be happy but it's difficult to deal with the bad sad. I can find my heart full of hope but find the darkness of despair ready to volley out who is in charge.

In general I am happy person; maybe from remaining oblivious and happy-go-lucky, maybe from the support around me. My friend Donny told me he donated to the AIDS walk this weekend in my name. Here it begins. The battle, the tears, the joys, the support, the rejection, the session doesn't include counseling?

I just told you all my fears and needs and all I get is a stack of papers to fill out and an appointment on Thursday?

And this is why we have a support system. When I have to wait each week to abort all my problems, my friends are the ones I have to go to. I could go to myself but I talk to him way to much during the day and he gets annoying when he's always singing and dancin' - happy bastard.

Alex went home. I had a long chat with the boyfriend. His chances of getting this are quite low and although relationships may work out for neutral couples (+/-) I don't really know if they would work for him and me. I've spent a lot of time thinking and preparing about this. It's tough but really we need hurt and pain, we need to suffer, we need to cry to appreciate the precious gems in life.