Day 5: Putting it Together

I've been watching clips of "Putting it Together" a Sondheim review. Instead of associating death and destruction with Beethoven's 9th, we should all be forced to listen to Sondheim songs so that we can become empathetic to others and ourselves.

I feel like I am putting together my life again. Bit by bit I am figuring out who I can tell, how I say it, what I do next. I have told nine people. Nine is a good number. Nine various people with different perspectives. Gays and straights, men and woman, ethnic and white, old and young. I have only asked that they continue to humor me in perpetuity (or at least until they all die and leave me their tapioca pudding in the assisted living facility).

One friend has mentioned that he fully expects me to have so much fun with HIV. I ask why not? This fucker has invaded my body without me knowing. I have this very smart virus in me and it's not going to scare me. I refuse to have the bad dreams, to be upset, to think about what might happen.

After many years of dreaming about my future I often thought of "What if?" What if I get it? How would I react? What if is now. Say good-bye to the past and hello to now. The future just took a slight curve to the right (pause for double entendre) and I need to adjust.

I played Yahtzee today and rolled 13 yahtzees in three games. I wish I was this lucky all the time. But I think I am. So many people didn't have the support system I have when they were diagnosed. I find myself telling people without crying so much because I am finally comfortable to say out loud what I feared.

People seem scared for me. Why? I am scared when I fly but chances are I am not going to be in a plane that crashes. I don't plan on letting my body crash anytime soon, and when that does, you better have your walker ready with mine.