I was at dinner with my friend and I was answering all his questions about me and HIV during dinner. Yes I know I am not supposed to have sushi but it's soooo good!
It's hard to discuss HIV without feeling self conscious or concerned with judgment. I did it. And I think I know why I felt fine. I am done judging myself. I am done with the results of others judging me. I know what is in my heart and how I think. If other people are uncomfortable with life then it's probably because they are fearful or misinformed. I guess there is a time to not speak out, a crowd to keep your distance, but there is a life we are living and a freedom granted to us so we are comfortable with ourselves.
People say I am strong. I am not strong, maybe a little naive and oblivious, maybe a little brave. Or maybe I just don't care about those that hate what I have because I know I have lots of people who love me no matter what. I have the support group to fall back on. Even if I am down to just myself in this world, at least I know that I will love myself.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day 62: Post-Race Precautions & Lab Results
I woke up a little sore from the race. I realized my immune system is probably very low. If I were to encounter many sick people I might not react well.
Good news! My viral load has dropped from 200 to 134! My T-cell level is up to 538. I realize I have been treating myself well and I think that has paid off. I will take another set of blood tests in the beginning of January. I am so excited because my body is really doing well with this and I know that I am treating myself well and it's having a greater effect on my system.
Keep up the happiness and laughter.
Good news! My viral load has dropped from 200 to 134! My T-cell level is up to 538. I realize I have been treating myself well and I think that has paid off. I will take another set of blood tests in the beginning of January. I am so excited because my body is really doing well with this and I know that I am treating myself well and it's having a greater effect on my system.
Keep up the happiness and laughter.
Day 61: Race Day
Race Day: It's been a long day. You have to go to bed early to get up super early to wait forever and then you spend a few hours running and walking and recovering from the trauma you put on your body.
I found myself sore and tired by mile 3. Go figure when you don't put in the real half marathon training and run at most 6 miles in the last month! I remember being on the course and being far behind from the front and closer to the end. I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't be last and even if I was at least I was starting this again.
I was on the course and there were a few women missing a leg, who were running the course. Talk about inspiring. I had a dream that I wasn't aloud to run a half marathon because I was disabled and had HIV. I woke up thinking how bogus is that. During the race I thought how bogus am I. I should be training, I should be running, I should be exercising to a higher capacity. Then again, I just found out that I was HIV positive 60 days ago!
The Pal went home again and I made him cry. This weekend marked 3 months since we met, since things progressed, since ripples would happen. We officially broke the relationship off this weekend. I am not thrilled but I do know the reality of life. Long distances are tough, diseases create barriers, and attention must be paid to yourself before you can give it to others. I feel like I have personally grown from this entire process - this relationship. Perhaps I have stepped up to a new plateau of self respect. Isn't that the point of disease?
I took him to the airport and spent the rest of the night making dinner with my friends. How wonderful it is to make dinner with friends. Although we were recovering from endless mimosa brunch and lacked our normal energy levels, I really felt safe and secure knowing I have people with my best interest at hand.
It's great to have friends. It makes me sad to know all the people that get afflicted with a disease might not have a friend network like mine. I guess when you make happiness and joy your guide it pays off in the most terrifying times in your life.
I found myself sore and tired by mile 3. Go figure when you don't put in the real half marathon training and run at most 6 miles in the last month! I remember being on the course and being far behind from the front and closer to the end. I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't be last and even if I was at least I was starting this again.
I was on the course and there were a few women missing a leg, who were running the course. Talk about inspiring. I had a dream that I wasn't aloud to run a half marathon because I was disabled and had HIV. I woke up thinking how bogus is that. During the race I thought how bogus am I. I should be training, I should be running, I should be exercising to a higher capacity. Then again, I just found out that I was HIV positive 60 days ago!
The Pal went home again and I made him cry. This weekend marked 3 months since we met, since things progressed, since ripples would happen. We officially broke the relationship off this weekend. I am not thrilled but I do know the reality of life. Long distances are tough, diseases create barriers, and attention must be paid to yourself before you can give it to others. I feel like I have personally grown from this entire process - this relationship. Perhaps I have stepped up to a new plateau of self respect. Isn't that the point of disease?
I took him to the airport and spent the rest of the night making dinner with my friends. How wonderful it is to make dinner with friends. Although we were recovering from endless mimosa brunch and lacked our normal energy levels, I really felt safe and secure knowing I have people with my best interest at hand.
It's great to have friends. It makes me sad to know all the people that get afflicted with a disease might not have a friend network like mine. I guess when you make happiness and joy your guide it pays off in the most terrifying times in your life.
Day 60: Race Expos
I spent the morning at the half marathon race expo, Roadrunner Sports and REI. It was so nice to feel the energy of the run. Race day is so exciting. The race expo is even better. You get to feel the excitement of the race, see the other people who will join you and get a bag of free crap!
Going to each place I felt so thrilled I had decided to pick up running again. Perhaps it was the excuse to go shopping or maybe the energy of all the people.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the Pal. We ended up going to Trader Joes and getting supplies to fix a nice dinner. I didn't tell my parents. My sister was a little nervous about having them find out before her school semester ends. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? Maybe next year? I don't know. I am not going to worry because I have lamb to eat and pecan pie.
Going to each place I felt so thrilled I had decided to pick up running again. Perhaps it was the excuse to go shopping or maybe the energy of all the people.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the Pal. We ended up going to Trader Joes and getting supplies to fix a nice dinner. I didn't tell my parents. My sister was a little nervous about having them find out before her school semester ends. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? Maybe next year? I don't know. I am not going to worry because I have lamb to eat and pecan pie.
Day 59: Churnin' Butter Milkin' Cows
Today I rushed home from work, had 30 seconds to kiss the Pal, change into rustic Americana harvest clothing and sing some Copland. It was a long night of adventure. The Pal is back in town. It was so nice to be working and to know that there is someone waiting at home. I only wished it would last longer. At least I have a weekend to enjoy it. I have a moment and I will remember to let myself be in that moment and enjoy the moment so that after the moment has past I will have a fond moment to remember.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 58: Pal is Back
So the Pal is coming tonight so we can both run a half marathon on Sunday. I really am having a hard time telling my parents. My Pal offered to be support to me and to basically tell me "Stop being a pussy bitch!" Cause really that's what I am doing. Delaying the situation and therefore letting fear win.
No more pussy bitch. No more fear.
No more pussy bitch. No more fear.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day 57: Two Months; New Doctor
Today marks two months today since I found out I have HIV. I saw my new HMO doctor today. His first call was to start medication right away, although when I told him my numbers he asked me to repeat them because he thought they were wrong, since it's rare to have someone with numbers like that.
I told him that I have done my homework and I don't want to start medication just yet. I want to see how my body will react to this disease through self-care. I suggested that I get tested every 2 months for now so that we can see how my viral load will be and we can establish a baseline. He thought that was a good plan, not his usual nerdy thing, but a something that was thought out and something he was definitely willing to work with.
He said to do some research in the medications and my response was that I will, although now I am too overloaded and that's something that I need time for.
So I talked to my dad on the phone. I couldn't say it. I just liked hearing him talk about what's going on in his life that I just couldn't bring it up. Should I call him back or wait for the weekend?
I told him that I have done my homework and I don't want to start medication just yet. I want to see how my body will react to this disease through self-care. I suggested that I get tested every 2 months for now so that we can see how my viral load will be and we can establish a baseline. He thought that was a good plan, not his usual nerdy thing, but a something that was thought out and something he was definitely willing to work with.
He said to do some research in the medications and my response was that I will, although now I am too overloaded and that's something that I need time for.
So I talked to my dad on the phone. I couldn't say it. I just liked hearing him talk about what's going on in his life that I just couldn't bring it up. Should I call him back or wait for the weekend?
Day 56: Friends are Fun
I spent the evening drinking and eating with friends. I think in a matter of 6 hours I brought up hiv once which means I don't think about it quite as often, which means I am not so isolated and self conscious about having it. Now I just have to tell my parents.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Day 55: Giving Yourself The Gift of Happiness
I went for a massage today. He asked me what is hurting. I told him nothing was, except that I was a little stressed. At the moment I have a couple of people who are in situations where they are overloaded and not sure what to do. At times I can handle people telling me their problems, so much as they deal with them. At the moment I am overloaded with requests. This is not to say I don't want to hear them, I just want to see steps taken to deconstruct the problem and tackle it.
I am really happy with myself. People see how happy and well I am doing. It's was never easy to get to this point, and for my friends who are unhappy, it takes work, facing your fears, faltering and finally doing something small to change yourself for the better. Simple steps are all you need to do. Just don't criticize your self or others and don't hold it inside. Find a way to release and to get rid of the built up tension. Find a way to release that makes you happy.
My massage is one of those simple steps. I would rather not do social activities but instead give myself time to regroup. Letting my self go.
2 hours of not thinking. 2 hours of letting someone beat my body from head to toe. 2 hours I give to my body to lay in peace.
I came home after the massage, drank some water, went to bed and had a wonderful night of sleep.
I am really happy with myself. People see how happy and well I am doing. It's was never easy to get to this point, and for my friends who are unhappy, it takes work, facing your fears, faltering and finally doing something small to change yourself for the better. Simple steps are all you need to do. Just don't criticize your self or others and don't hold it inside. Find a way to release and to get rid of the built up tension. Find a way to release that makes you happy.
My massage is one of those simple steps. I would rather not do social activities but instead give myself time to regroup. Letting my self go.
2 hours of not thinking. 2 hours of letting someone beat my body from head to toe. 2 hours I give to my body to lay in peace.
I came home after the massage, drank some water, went to bed and had a wonderful night of sleep.
Day 54: Deadlines
So I set Sunday as my deadline to tell my parents. I ended up driving to the beach and just thinking.
Do you ever go to the beach late at night to watch the moon set? I remember at midnight on my first birthday in San Diego I went to the beach, alone, not knowing anyone down here, and I spent the moments turning another year older watching the moon hit the waves.
I did that again.
I thought.
I dreamed.
I sighed.
Do you ever go to the beach late at night to watch the moon set? I remember at midnight on my first birthday in San Diego I went to the beach, alone, not knowing anyone down here, and I spent the moments turning another year older watching the moon hit the waves.
I did that again.
I thought.
I dreamed.
I sighed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)