Day 102 - 104: Why Didn't I Just Go Home?

I kept asking myself this most of the time.  Why didn't I go home to my parents house for Christmas?  When I went to church and sang along?

When I ate prime rib and did karaoke Christmas tunes and had a nice pino?  When I opened one gift, yes I had gifts, on Christmas Eve which was pj's.  We all had pj's to open and put on and wear to bed AND wake up and open gifts in and eat breakfast in.  The entire time I was visiting I was treated like Tiny Tim post Scrooge's enlightenment.  I had no idea I was going to have a stocking and gifts and feel what Christmas is supposed to mean.

I felt a little guilty.  But then I reminded myself why I came.  It was to center myself.  It was to be happy and not have any worries about disappointment or fears.

I was disappointed during the trip but thank Kris Kringle for having friends who want to make sure you are happy when you aren't quite centered.

I was overwhelmed with the appreciation and love and I was so glad I made the choice to go there.  If the scale of disappointment for my birthday was tilted to the other end, that's how my Christmas was.

Day 101: Christmas Time Is Here

I am over 100 days.  One Hundred Days!  Shall we have a party at 1000 days?  Let's do it!

This year I decided to spend Christmas with my friend Debbie's family.

I made the choice not to drive up and back to Sacramento for three reasons.

1. a six foot two person in any vehicle for 8 hours up and back is not fun.  Did I mention I am slightly claustrophobic?  With the MRI I could focus my fears and tell myself I am not trapped.  Once I believe I am not trapped then I calm down and proceed without fear.  When you are folded over lie a clown car passenger for an extended period you begin to stress.

2. I didn't want to stress.  I didn't want to worry about going up to see the family and have any fears.  Fears of disappointment, fears of confronting people, fear of hiding, fear of discrimination, so many fears.  I don't know if they would ever arise and the point is I don't know and at this point I want to do what ever I can to not stress.  I am searching for a job, I am applying to grad school, I am trying to manage headaches, I am trying to understand why I am cleaning the bathroom again!  Stress?  No thanks!

3.  I just saw my parents at Thanksgiving and as much as I love them, it would be an overload for me.  Having just recently been disappointed I feel like if there was one little thing that I didn't enjoy it would bring back a lot of bad emotions.

So instead of this I decided to visit Debbie's family and see friends in the LA area.  I decided I wasn't going to stress.  I wasn't going to have any holiday expectations and further more I was just going to enjoy the pure fact that I had no responsibility except to eat, read, play wii and relax.

Day 100: MRI Fune

I went in for my MRI today.  It was cold and I was prepared with a long sleeve shirt and flannel pj's. 

I have had an MRI on my foot, recently on my upper thigh, and now my brain. 

I laid back and immediately they gave me headphones with a selection of music and warm blankets.  I didn't have to remove my pants and change for the exam.

Half way through the exam they gave me an injection which was used to highlight what was going on in my brain.

Since I have been having headaches with weather changes I wanted to rule out if there was anything else.  Actually just getting the exam was a stress relief in itself.

Preventive care is so important.  If there is one thing that stressed me out about getting an HIV test, say 8 years ago, it was the fear of getting it.  Then I decided to get checked every 4 months just in case.  I realize is a 6 month window period, although now it's decreased to 2 months with the oral test and 1 week for the blood.  I began to understand that waiting a year, even if I wasn't at risk was still stressful.

Perhaps not realizing that a simple kiss could not give me HIV could have prevented a lot of that stress, but still the idea of knowing for sure at the moment was helpful.

People - if you haven't done so in a while get tested.  Get tested not just for HIV, but for your body chemistry, lyme disease, heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, your physical . . . if you know where you are it's easier to make changes for the better and when the time comes that repair is needed, you will be better equipped to manage the stress.

Day 96 - 99: Catching up

I realize I have been slacking in my posts.  It's been great for everyone to remind me to post what is going on in my life - apparently I have loyal readers that gain insight into their lives by seeing the mishaps in my own!

I have condensed a few days together and will get down to the basics during this holiday break.

I did not hear back from the job and currently we are on a forced holiday break from the University.

Thank you everyone for being patient.

Here we go!

Day 95: Job Who?

I didn't get word either way if I received the position.  That's really frustrating.  At least call me back or send me an email saying "We're sorry we can't offer you the position because you would be the hottest person in our office and the Doctor would be jealous.  Also we don't hire homo-sex-U-als."

That's all I have to hear!

Well I am beat.  I had therapy today.  I talked about assertive skills and how I need to be a little more demanding with what I should rightfully have.  I also discussed how painful it is to communicate with someone when they are less empathetic (ie. not as psychic to the situation at hand).

Tonight I am going to make squash, salad and meat!  Maybe some potatoes a l'oven.

Day 94: Comsuming Thoughts

I can't think of anything but this job.  It's sort of like I couldn't think of anything but HIV when I found out.  At this point I am pretty sure I didn't get the job.  Since the last interviews have past and it's been days, I am thinking they have notified the candidate and are waiting to hear back from HR for the final approval.  You know how that goes . . .

Sigh.

I guess I have to hope and try.

Day 93: Jobs Jobs and More Jobs!

I interviewed with a position and it seemed to go ok.  That's a mix of things went well and then there were the interesting parts like the doctor took out his nail clippers from his desk and started to clip his nails during the beginning of the interview.

I received a call for another position and the interview will be when I get back from break.

I have to say it's been a relief of stress just to get the interviews.  It's also been a relief of stress to have the MRI scheduled.  I can't imagine I am going to Love the MRI seeing that I really have to focus to make sure my fear of tight spaces doesn't activate.  A few meditative techniques for a bit usually brings me through.

I am not where I want to be however I feel that I am breaking free from my shell and heading in a better direction, a place that I can manage my stress a little better.

I was frustrated in yoga today.  I wanted to be free.  I wanted to find a place where I can enjoy what I am doing and not feel trapped.  The impact of stress from the diagnosis has really aggravated the little points I am bothered about and have made me realize I need to eliminate crap.

As of now I have no job offers however I feel like I am ready and making steps to move forward.

Day 92: Stressaches

I just returned from my appointment.  My doctor is issuing an MRI for my brain to make sure everything is ok.  He thinks a majority of the problems with the headache is due to stress and sinus pressure. 
Since I had a few really bad nights he is going to have an MRI done for two reasons, one to double check and two to relinquish any stress I have over fearing there is something more. 

He also gave me something more powerful than Aleve.  A pill with two Aleves!  Of course I have to remember to eat and drink lots of water.

I think a major contributor with stress has been the time leading to disclosure of my status to my parents.  I also think I am unhappy with my job and need a change, soon.  Lastly, I need to regain the motivation to keep my home clean and my body nourished.  I need to find a steady pace of exercise and lastly I need to take time to enjoy the quiet solitude of a book at a coffee shop, or perhaps a game of Chinese Checkers.  Off to work.

Day 91: Flying Time

Work went by really quickly today and so did my massage.  I felt like it was so short.  I know my body is relaxed but my mind was tricked into thinking 2 hours was shorter than what it seemed.

I am flushing my body with fluids.  I feel like the weekend of sleep really helped.

I am looking forward to winter break.

Day 90: Wow

It's been 90 days.  90 days, can you believe it?  In a course of 3 months so many things can happen.  Today I went to rehearsal, immersed myself in our dress rehearsal and enjoyed the music.  I fixed meatballs in sauce with some linguine noodles.  My headache is still lingering however it's not as bad.  I have been drinking water and trying to make sure I stay hydrated and relaxed.  I realize how aggravated I was due to a headache, release of telling my parents and lack of sleep.  The intensity was rubbing off on my coworkers and those who crossed my path.

If there was every a downfall since discovering then it would be now when my eyes are slowly opening up and seeing what I really want.  I can vision all the goals I want to begin and restart all the activities I found so important but stopped due to lack of motivation and general distractions.

There are many things I am not happy with.  I am not happy with my current job.  I now realize how unhappy and stressed I am there and realize that change is needed.  I also understand that I can't let my jarring feelings intensify and reflect poorly on my work.

I am sitting here in the dark ready to grab my blankets, shower and head to bed.  It's so quiet.  There is a light shinning on a tree in the neighbors house.  Aside from Iago, it's the only illuminated object that is distracting my eyes.

I helped one of my students find housing, I am helping my sister get to school by borrowing my car.  I am trying to find a way to relieve my work stress and still manage to figure out how to tell myself that I am still in need of taking care of my own stress and peace of mind.

It's been easier to achieve a place of centering, although I don't feel like I have found it completely.  I think yeah it's been easy to get where I am, but has it?  It's been convenient really because there has been a lot of preparation, work and support that I have taken advantage of.  It hasn't been easy figuring out the right thing to do but my mind is resting more since I have confidence that I have chosen the better path possible.  What validates this?  I can feel in my heart that the choices I have made to get to this point have been made to sincerely help me for the better. 

Sweet dreams.