Day 83: Fuck-uh You Darphin And Whare

I spent the weekend with my friend Ben. Despite having a headache all weekend, spilling into today, we spent the day honoring Pearl Harbor Day by visiting Cabrillo National Park and the Midway Museum. We also kept quoting south park. Fuc-uh you!

I dropped Ben off at the airport, after singing “Somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world” for the billionth time. I came home to watch the latest installment of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. One of the guys lost his mom 11 years ago. He wanted to get off his chest a few issues. Part of the process was bringing his dad in and reading this letter to his father. Telling his father that he’s sorry for having a sex and drug addiction. His father responded that he feels horrible because if he knew sooner then he could have been there to help him.

I called my father and told him.

I told him that I really wanted him to be there for my birthday weekend. He said he can’t be here unless I talk. He said that he’s not psychic and if I want something from them just let them know. He said just say whatever you need to say and not to worry. I told him well if you want something to talk about here it is - I have HIV.

His reaction was basically how I react to something. I have to say I was crying like a little bitch. But if anyone were to tell me something as horrible, my first reaction would be to make sure they are ok. They second would be to make them laugh or smile.

My dad did that. He started to go on about how he is here for me and I stopped him and told him. It wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t be here for me. I knew you would. It was me making sure you are ok. I want to make sure you don’t worry. I want to make sure you have the resources of reassurance that I will be fine.  He said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago, but times have changed.

I didn’t tell my mom. I headed straight to my therapy session. My emergency therapy session I scheduled because I knew I had to do this sooner than later.

My therapist and I had a great session. It was such a breakthrough moment to know that this would be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. What can be worse than this?

Props to my sister.  My dad said I should be proud of her because she didn't tell them anything.  I am proud of her.