I can't think of anything but this job. It's sort of like I couldn't think of anything but HIV when I found out. At this point I am pretty sure I didn't get the job. Since the last interviews have past and it's been days, I am thinking they have notified the candidate and are waiting to hear back from HR for the final approval. You know how that goes . . .
Sigh.
I guess I have to hope and try.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Day 93: Jobs Jobs and More Jobs!
I interviewed with a position and it seemed to go ok. That's a mix of things went well and then there were the interesting parts like the doctor took out his nail clippers from his desk and started to clip his nails during the beginning of the interview.
I received a call for another position and the interview will be when I get back from break.
I have to say it's been a relief of stress just to get the interviews. It's also been a relief of stress to have the MRI scheduled. I can't imagine I am going to Love the MRI seeing that I really have to focus to make sure my fear of tight spaces doesn't activate. A few meditative techniques for a bit usually brings me through.
I am not where I want to be however I feel that I am breaking free from my shell and heading in a better direction, a place that I can manage my stress a little better.
I was frustrated in yoga today. I wanted to be free. I wanted to find a place where I can enjoy what I am doing and not feel trapped. The impact of stress from the diagnosis has really aggravated the little points I am bothered about and have made me realize I need to eliminate crap.
As of now I have no job offers however I feel like I am ready and making steps to move forward.
I received a call for another position and the interview will be when I get back from break.
I have to say it's been a relief of stress just to get the interviews. It's also been a relief of stress to have the MRI scheduled. I can't imagine I am going to Love the MRI seeing that I really have to focus to make sure my fear of tight spaces doesn't activate. A few meditative techniques for a bit usually brings me through.
I am not where I want to be however I feel that I am breaking free from my shell and heading in a better direction, a place that I can manage my stress a little better.
I was frustrated in yoga today. I wanted to be free. I wanted to find a place where I can enjoy what I am doing and not feel trapped. The impact of stress from the diagnosis has really aggravated the little points I am bothered about and have made me realize I need to eliminate crap.
As of now I have no job offers however I feel like I am ready and making steps to move forward.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Day 92: Stressaches
I just returned from my appointment. My doctor is issuing an MRI for my brain to make sure everything is ok. He thinks a majority of the problems with the headache is due to stress and sinus pressure.
Since I had a few really bad nights he is going to have an MRI done for two reasons, one to double check and two to relinquish any stress I have over fearing there is something more.
He also gave me something more powerful than Aleve. A pill with two Aleves! Of course I have to remember to eat and drink lots of water.
I think a major contributor with stress has been the time leading to disclosure of my status to my parents. I also think I am unhappy with my job and need a change, soon. Lastly, I need to regain the motivation to keep my home clean and my body nourished. I need to find a steady pace of exercise and lastly I need to take time to enjoy the quiet solitude of a book at a coffee shop, or perhaps a game of Chinese Checkers. Off to work.
Since I had a few really bad nights he is going to have an MRI done for two reasons, one to double check and two to relinquish any stress I have over fearing there is something more.
He also gave me something more powerful than Aleve. A pill with two Aleves! Of course I have to remember to eat and drink lots of water.
I think a major contributor with stress has been the time leading to disclosure of my status to my parents. I also think I am unhappy with my job and need a change, soon. Lastly, I need to regain the motivation to keep my home clean and my body nourished. I need to find a steady pace of exercise and lastly I need to take time to enjoy the quiet solitude of a book at a coffee shop, or perhaps a game of Chinese Checkers. Off to work.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Day 91: Flying Time
Work went by really quickly today and so did my massage. I felt like it was so short. I know my body is relaxed but my mind was tricked into thinking 2 hours was shorter than what it seemed.
I am flushing my body with fluids. I feel like the weekend of sleep really helped.
I am looking forward to winter break.
I am flushing my body with fluids. I feel like the weekend of sleep really helped.
I am looking forward to winter break.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Day 90: Wow
It's been 90 days. 90 days, can you believe it? In a course of 3 months so many things can happen. Today I went to rehearsal, immersed myself in our dress rehearsal and enjoyed the music. I fixed meatballs in sauce with some linguine noodles. My headache is still lingering however it's not as bad. I have been drinking water and trying to make sure I stay hydrated and relaxed. I realize how aggravated I was due to a headache, release of telling my parents and lack of sleep. The intensity was rubbing off on my coworkers and those who crossed my path.
If there was every a downfall since discovering then it would be now when my eyes are slowly opening up and seeing what I really want. I can vision all the goals I want to begin and restart all the activities I found so important but stopped due to lack of motivation and general distractions.
There are many things I am not happy with. I am not happy with my current job. I now realize how unhappy and stressed I am there and realize that change is needed. I also understand that I can't let my jarring feelings intensify and reflect poorly on my work.
I am sitting here in the dark ready to grab my blankets, shower and head to bed. It's so quiet. There is a light shinning on a tree in the neighbors house. Aside from Iago, it's the only illuminated object that is distracting my eyes.
I helped one of my students find housing, I am helping my sister get to school by borrowing my car. I am trying to find a way to relieve my work stress and still manage to figure out how to tell myself that I am still in need of taking care of my own stress and peace of mind.
It's been easier to achieve a place of centering, although I don't feel like I have found it completely. I think yeah it's been easy to get where I am, but has it? It's been convenient really because there has been a lot of preparation, work and support that I have taken advantage of. It hasn't been easy figuring out the right thing to do but my mind is resting more since I have confidence that I have chosen the better path possible. What validates this? I can feel in my heart that the choices I have made to get to this point have been made to sincerely help me for the better.
Sweet dreams.
If there was every a downfall since discovering then it would be now when my eyes are slowly opening up and seeing what I really want. I can vision all the goals I want to begin and restart all the activities I found so important but stopped due to lack of motivation and general distractions.
There are many things I am not happy with. I am not happy with my current job. I now realize how unhappy and stressed I am there and realize that change is needed. I also understand that I can't let my jarring feelings intensify and reflect poorly on my work.
I am sitting here in the dark ready to grab my blankets, shower and head to bed. It's so quiet. There is a light shinning on a tree in the neighbors house. Aside from Iago, it's the only illuminated object that is distracting my eyes.
I helped one of my students find housing, I am helping my sister get to school by borrowing my car. I am trying to find a way to relieve my work stress and still manage to figure out how to tell myself that I am still in need of taking care of my own stress and peace of mind.
It's been easier to achieve a place of centering, although I don't feel like I have found it completely. I think yeah it's been easy to get where I am, but has it? It's been convenient really because there has been a lot of preparation, work and support that I have taken advantage of. It hasn't been easy figuring out the right thing to do but my mind is resting more since I have confidence that I have chosen the better path possible. What validates this? I can feel in my heart that the choices I have made to get to this point have been made to sincerely help me for the better.
Sweet dreams.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Day 89: Winter Lethargy
I went to take it easy today. I didn't want to stress my body after the H1N1 shot. If you'll recall, colds, vaccines and such can temporarily raise your viral load since your body is impacting your immune system.
I woke up and ate some cereal. I turned on South Park, laid on the couch and fell asleep until 7 p.m. I guess my body needed rest.
I woke up and ate some cereal. I turned on South Park, laid on the couch and fell asleep until 7 p.m. I guess my body needed rest.
Day 88: Churchy Chocolate
I got my H1N1 shot today - now I just need my flu shot.
I sang a solo for a church gig this evening. I also did some quartet stuff. I love singing in quartets, especially when the other three people know how to balance with you and you can return the balance right back.
The best part was the ambiance. The choir was composed of 4 soloists and the choir where everyone was over 70. Old churchy choir people are sooo cute. After many carols and Christmas spirit we headed into the side building where the doors were opened to a fire pit and light rain. Inside was hot chocolate next to a bowl of marshmellows and candy canes. The choir director brought an assortment of chocolate candies filled with liquor.
Churchy Chocolate
Add 7 marshmellows and 1-2 liquor chocolates to your cup. Pour in hot water and let set for 1 minute. Add hot chocolate mix. Stir. Garnish with mini-candy cane with the long side in the liquid portion. Serve
I sang a solo for a church gig this evening. I also did some quartet stuff. I love singing in quartets, especially when the other three people know how to balance with you and you can return the balance right back.
The best part was the ambiance. The choir was composed of 4 soloists and the choir where everyone was over 70. Old churchy choir people are sooo cute. After many carols and Christmas spirit we headed into the side building where the doors were opened to a fire pit and light rain. Inside was hot chocolate next to a bowl of marshmellows and candy canes. The choir director brought an assortment of chocolate candies filled with liquor.
Churchy Chocolate
Add 7 marshmellows and 1-2 liquor chocolates to your cup. Pour in hot water and let set for 1 minute. Add hot chocolate mix. Stir. Garnish with mini-candy cane with the long side in the liquid portion. Serve
Day 87: Frustrations
In general I have been super grumpy and not thinking clearly all week. I am unhappy with my job, I really want to help my sister, I want to make sure my parents are ok, I want to apply for grad school, I want to do the dishes, I want my H1N1 shot and I want to get rid of this headache.
I want way to many thing, more than my body can handle. I think having no sleep the other night has thrown off my thinking. I hate being frustrated because what I want is not always attainable and yet it seems clearly simple.
Maybe I am just way grumpy.
I want way to many thing, more than my body can handle. I think having no sleep the other night has thrown off my thinking. I hate being frustrated because what I want is not always attainable and yet it seems clearly simple.
Maybe I am just way grumpy.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Day 86: Headaches, Dehydration and Masturbation
I've been having headaches and to counteract the pain I have been taking Aleve. BTW it's my new blog sponsor! Little did I realize Aleve needs to be accompanied by water and not wine or spirits! Furthermore if you are ever dehydrated and have the slightest bit of a headache looming in the back of your head do not touch your special purpose. Don't masturbate. I know it's a stress reliever, gets the body going. It also raises your blood pressure and puts stress on your blood vessels. Particularly the blood vessels in the brain.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I also worried that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. This was because after I had manipulated my area and the headache occurred I thought "Just my like I am going to wank and go blind from a stroke." Can you imagine the EMT's coming to your house. You get to the hospital and the find that you had a stroke due to the combination of wine, Aleve and self-relations. That's not how I want to go and from now on if I have a headache and I seem grumpy - you know why. I am going to avoid any activities that could raise my blood pressure and put stress on my brain.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I also worried that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. This was because after I had manipulated my area and the headache occurred I thought "Just my like I am going to wank and go blind from a stroke." Can you imagine the EMT's coming to your house. You get to the hospital and the find that you had a stroke due to the combination of wine, Aleve and self-relations. That's not how I want to go and from now on if I have a headache and I seem grumpy - you know why. I am going to avoid any activities that could raise my blood pressure and put stress on my brain.
Day 85: A Call
My mom left a message on my phone. She told me she understood what I was going through and that it was hard but that they are here for me. I had to pause for a moment and I remember during college when my mom had a benign cyst in her breast. I remember before the biopsy she waited in anticipation to see if she had breast cancer.
There is a poem, used in many services, that when read from a Christian standpoint equivocates Love to Jesus. I tend to strip the dogmatic attachment to verses and replace it with my personal quest for myself. When embarking on the path of self intuition and knowledge you go through several phases. I always thought this poem condensed the search into the three strophes. First you find who you are. Next is the energy that you can produce. Last is the reason for searching - to love yourself and those around you.
The Call - George Herbert
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
I think that we can't receive love and acceptance without understanding what makes us tick. I remember when my mom told me of her cancer I was so unbalanced with my life. I spent more time worrying about my mom and worrying about my life if something bad were to happen. Instead I should have been relinquishing the fears and replacing them with many feasts to gain strength.
My parents are strong people but they lack complete balance. My sister is only just beginning to expose her anxiety and uncover personal joys. Me.
I've exposed a huge truth in my life and I find the joys and compassion that come from being honest are worth every moment of anxiety and frustration.
There is a poem, used in many services, that when read from a Christian standpoint equivocates Love to Jesus. I tend to strip the dogmatic attachment to verses and replace it with my personal quest for myself. When embarking on the path of self intuition and knowledge you go through several phases. I always thought this poem condensed the search into the three strophes. First you find who you are. Next is the energy that you can produce. Last is the reason for searching - to love yourself and those around you.
The Call - George Herbert
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
I think that we can't receive love and acceptance without understanding what makes us tick. I remember when my mom told me of her cancer I was so unbalanced with my life. I spent more time worrying about my mom and worrying about my life if something bad were to happen. Instead I should have been relinquishing the fears and replacing them with many feasts to gain strength.
My parents are strong people but they lack complete balance. My sister is only just beginning to expose her anxiety and uncover personal joys. Me.
I've exposed a huge truth in my life and I find the joys and compassion that come from being honest are worth every moment of anxiety and frustration.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)