OK well my cousin really isn't. I had a great chat with him today. I even told him about me getting High Fived in the butt! He is sending out an email about how he didn't read the article, etc. etc.
So what about everyone else?
Like I said, I think we can judge people on how they react under pressure or in a crisis situation.
When people are quick to judge and react irrationally and poorly, affecting everyone's moral state in a negative manner, then they are perhaps not the best person to rely on for support.
When a person is nice in order to appease the immediate problem but not apt to help find the solution then they are probably not going to be a good person to help with what is really bothering you.
When people responds with support, and responds with logic, intellect and good grammar, you know that person is going to be a great person for support and smiles.
I am faced with people in my life who are ready to abandon me before asking me what the real problem is. I am faced with people who are assuming things without finding out the facts. I am faced with people who I really need in my support network but I can't trust that one day they won't fall apart on me and abandon me when I need someone the most.
How do you deal with that?
I don't know but the best way you can deal with them is this. Rationally. Be Polite. And keep an open heart.
Ok you think that's bullshit, they might abuse a situation again.
Well. If they abuse the situation again, then that's your fault for not regulating how they are aloud to treat you.
My cousin really made me happy and proud. I realize day by day how much work I have put into my life, how difficult it could be and how wonderful it is.
His dad has diabetes and it has really put focus on my own life. Our health is important now, because tomorrow there might be a road block stopping us from continuing at the pace we were.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Day 340: Sarcasm Should Be Delivered With Signs
So today I came home and had my mom approach me about a post on BookFace. I wrote that based upon several items in an article that my dad might be gay. I had a lot of friends say how funny it was. My cousin saw it, and without reading the article attached started sending information to my sister and several family members. Unfortunately they didn't send the entire post and might have cleared the air if they read the article and clarified why I posted it. Perhaps they could have just asked me directly why I posted it instead of sending nasty messages.
My mom blew it out of proportion and started saying how all these family members will find out and see that and take offense. She said if it was sarcasm I should have wrote in that it was sarcasm and that I should have said the article was sarcasm and had it posted so people could read.
I didn't know what to say except get your facts straight and read everything instead of forming opinions based upon scattered information.
My sister put a message saying that i was basically a bad person and a slob. I wanted to know who was telling her I was a slob and I confronted my mom and she didn't know.
I find it pretty funny that they can get into this uproar about something without asking me, and yet when they say something false nothing happens. I also think it's crazy anyone would start a family fued on facebook.
So why is this important?
Well I am reading about personal beliefs, stress and self care in my HIV Shanti Life Manual. I am finally at a point in my life where I can look beyond stress and center myself.
I got defensive at first but then I realized I could center myself. This was ridiculous. Why should I have to stress over other people not getting their information right?
And there it was.
I can take responsibility for what I say but when people find information and start producing a negative response towards me I can finally manage it. I can finally manage it. After months I can finally say I am at a huge turning point where I can start responding to life in a calm and collective way.
It's such a different approach. Stress is scary.
I guess now I need to take time to practice this.
Oh inadvertently I also included in the post that unlike myself and my uncle, my dad was not a homosexual. I think for the first time I was able to announce it because I realize this. I have not been able to talk to my mom or dad about this and I had this sinking feeling my mom never accepted it. Once I got that fear out in the open then for some reason I don't feel scared about it. I realize I have spent a lot of effort keeping my parents pleased and trying to do what would make them feel proud to have a son like me. I think I focused on what would make my mom happy to call me her son and make her feel normal. I guess I don't feel that burden.
I got HIV because I couldn't ask the guy I was dating to use a condom. I trusted that his tests were fine, as he said his recent tests were. I feel I can finally begin the path of asking for what I need and loving myself for asking.
I also think I need more conflict on Facebook. [FYI there is a giant sarcastic sign held high]
My mom blew it out of proportion and started saying how all these family members will find out and see that and take offense. She said if it was sarcasm I should have wrote in that it was sarcasm and that I should have said the article was sarcasm and had it posted so people could read.
I didn't know what to say except get your facts straight and read everything instead of forming opinions based upon scattered information.
My sister put a message saying that i was basically a bad person and a slob. I wanted to know who was telling her I was a slob and I confronted my mom and she didn't know.
I find it pretty funny that they can get into this uproar about something without asking me, and yet when they say something false nothing happens. I also think it's crazy anyone would start a family fued on facebook.
So why is this important?
Well I am reading about personal beliefs, stress and self care in my HIV Shanti Life Manual. I am finally at a point in my life where I can look beyond stress and center myself.
I got defensive at first but then I realized I could center myself. This was ridiculous. Why should I have to stress over other people not getting their information right?
And there it was.
I can take responsibility for what I say but when people find information and start producing a negative response towards me I can finally manage it. I can finally manage it. After months I can finally say I am at a huge turning point where I can start responding to life in a calm and collective way.
It's such a different approach. Stress is scary.
I guess now I need to take time to practice this.
Oh inadvertently I also included in the post that unlike myself and my uncle, my dad was not a homosexual. I think for the first time I was able to announce it because I realize this. I have not been able to talk to my mom or dad about this and I had this sinking feeling my mom never accepted it. Once I got that fear out in the open then for some reason I don't feel scared about it. I realize I have spent a lot of effort keeping my parents pleased and trying to do what would make them feel proud to have a son like me. I think I focused on what would make my mom happy to call me her son and make her feel normal. I guess I don't feel that burden.
I got HIV because I couldn't ask the guy I was dating to use a condom. I trusted that his tests were fine, as he said his recent tests were. I feel I can finally begin the path of asking for what I need and loving myself for asking.
I also think I need more conflict on Facebook. [FYI there is a giant sarcastic sign held high]
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Day 339: Here's A Story
I spent the last two days talking about me and HIV. I told the story of leading up to it, how I got it and life now. Fortunately I have my blog. I look back and see the moments that really defined my growth up until now. I also see that I really worked hard from the beginning and because of that life is a little easier now.
Life is easier in a sense that I am educated, I didn't go through a huge denial phase, I am working hard to increase my health and levels. I am working out and working on my support network, primarily my parents. Through my support I can make them a little less stressed and a little more happy. This is what they have lost and I feel through my searching for myself I help them find what they lost as well.
For the first time I spoke out loud to several people who have, well, have HIV. There are the many statistics on here.
It was such an honor to meet these people. None of us deserve this and all of us are working hard to cope, smile and make a difference. I commend everyone one of them.
I didn't think coming to a group session or going to a support group or speaker volunteer training would create a connection. There were some amazing people that I met that I can only hope will continue to inspire me, make me laugh and remind me how HIV can be conquered together.
Life is easier in a sense that I am educated, I didn't go through a huge denial phase, I am working hard to increase my health and levels. I am working out and working on my support network, primarily my parents. Through my support I can make them a little less stressed and a little more happy. This is what they have lost and I feel through my searching for myself I help them find what they lost as well.
For the first time I spoke out loud to several people who have, well, have HIV. There are the many statistics on here.
It was such an honor to meet these people. None of us deserve this and all of us are working hard to cope, smile and make a difference. I commend everyone one of them.
I didn't think coming to a group session or going to a support group or speaker volunteer training would create a connection. There were some amazing people that I met that I can only hope will continue to inspire me, make me laugh and remind me how HIV can be conquered together.
Day 338: After Thoughts
I really just needed to express my thoughts. After blogging them I realized I didn't need to tell any of the people in my group how I felt because I know myself. I know how I feel and what my standards are. I know who I am and I see that sometimes it's more or less charmed, always fun.
Group is about speaking and listening. I have been speaking, I have been telling, and now it's time to listen to the stories around me and use that info to become a stronger sensible person.
Sorry about that I think Jane Austin's ghost just rimmed me.
Group is about speaking and listening. I have been speaking, I have been telling, and now it's time to listen to the stories around me and use that info to become a stronger sensible person.
Sorry about that I think Jane Austin's ghost just rimmed me.
Day 337: Old, Gay & Poz
Today I spoke in my group session of those friends in my life who have disabilities, diseases, and disorders and how they inspire me. One of the men turned to me and mentioned how fortunate I was living now because things are easier. He has been positive since 1984. This made me think of a response that I may or may not share with the group at the next session.
"Hi my name is Paul. I want to let you know that despite my youth and lack of modesty, I can still share inspiring words when needed. What I need from the group is reassurance. I feel a little uncomfortable. You see in our last session someone spoke about being positive since the 90's. I realize there might be some people positive since the 80's. I have not even reached one year. I haven't had HIV for long and I don't know much about living with it. I haven't had any friends that have died from complications from AIDS and I was just a kid when Ryan White was speaking of his diagnosis. I only met a few people with HIV when I was in school, I wouldn't know if any of my friends have HIV, although now I found out one of my college friends does and is doing well.
Me? Well I am fortunate enough to have extremely low levels with an immune system barely making an effort to keep levels low. I visualize my immune system during yoga and swimming. I take care of my stress and I find ways to make sure my body relaxes and lets it do its things. Me and HIV, well we coexist. HIV can stay, as long as it doesn't get messy, as long as it doesn't make me get sick or worry about other hurdles coming towards me. That's my option I got with HIV, and I am very fortunate to have it.
I don't feel that it is my entire ticket to empathy. I can't know what it means to struggle with HIV for so many years, to see the hurt people give from the stigmas attached. I got past the initial fear and talked to my friends and family. I talked to my co-workers, my students, my boyfriend, my gay friends, my straight friends, guys, girls. They still love me. They still want to know what's going on. I didn't have the heavy rejection that comes with HIV. In fact immediately I found doctors who were HIV specialists. I got a therapist in fear I would bottom out. I did all the means that I could to make myself fight off the hardship and seek out happiness.
There are many people in this room that are amazing, and are fighting battles that I may never see. This makes me intimidated because my thoughts and feelings might not be accepted due to my lack of life or experience.
My voice teacher had cancer. She told me it was just a word. It wasn't a lifestyle, nor does it give you an excuse not to enjoy or do the things you need to do. I was her last student before she died at 72. She could do the splits even 5 days before she passed. What was a 20-something to think of that advice? After having two other college friends find out they had cancer, a job layoff, a possible paranoia-schizophrenic boyfriend/coworker right after college.
My aunt died when I was 10. I watched her go through cancer, mistaken the sight in which she had a tumor and find out later it had spread. Amputating her leg, all the wigs, and on her death bed no more hair, no more pain, no more feeling.
Another girl I volunteered at an organization for kids. Seeing a girl there who never lived past 13 but received her dying wish, to ride a horse a week before she died.
I don't have HIV experience I have life experience and I have a lot of hope. I might be young, and I may have not been involved with HIV until a year ago but I live on, and I inspire. And I thank. And I love. And I hope.
After I was diagnosed I realized the only way I can do my part is to tell those people around me, hope they would still love me and teach them the reality of HIV.
What happened? I have friends that have been so wonderful and continue to make me smile. I have friends that have perhaps crossed your path because of me. And I have friends that I will continue to seek understanding so that all of us with HIV do not fear it, feel ashamed or unaccepted.
What I really want from this group is reassurance that no matter what background we each have, each one of us has something important to contribute and should not be discounted just because of what we think might be lack of experience, age, creed, or anything else that would discount being open minded and lacking a smile."
We visualize in group and since I found out that I have HIV, I have had three scenes that come into my head. Sometimes I see two of my t-cells floating along. Both are sitting at a table with an umbrella. Margaritas to the side, they sit there playing chess. A virus, maybe HIV or something else, comes along and they tell it to please wait till they are done with the game. At some point the virus can either die or kill it self while it waits.
I sometimes picture HIV and a Tcell playing cards and the HIV turns to the tcell and tells him "Well I guess it's time for me to go away. Good game." The Tcell says it was a good game but he's sorry he has to do this. Tcell makes him go get flushed out of my system.
The last one is HIV are playing paintball with my Tcells. My tcells are just sitting their chatting. HIVs are taunting and the Tcells give them the birdie, shoot them down and head off to effortlessly hunt down the other HIVS.
"Hi my name is Paul. I want to let you know that despite my youth and lack of modesty, I can still share inspiring words when needed. What I need from the group is reassurance. I feel a little uncomfortable. You see in our last session someone spoke about being positive since the 90's. I realize there might be some people positive since the 80's. I have not even reached one year. I haven't had HIV for long and I don't know much about living with it. I haven't had any friends that have died from complications from AIDS and I was just a kid when Ryan White was speaking of his diagnosis. I only met a few people with HIV when I was in school, I wouldn't know if any of my friends have HIV, although now I found out one of my college friends does and is doing well.
Me? Well I am fortunate enough to have extremely low levels with an immune system barely making an effort to keep levels low. I visualize my immune system during yoga and swimming. I take care of my stress and I find ways to make sure my body relaxes and lets it do its things. Me and HIV, well we coexist. HIV can stay, as long as it doesn't get messy, as long as it doesn't make me get sick or worry about other hurdles coming towards me. That's my option I got with HIV, and I am very fortunate to have it.
I don't feel that it is my entire ticket to empathy. I can't know what it means to struggle with HIV for so many years, to see the hurt people give from the stigmas attached. I got past the initial fear and talked to my friends and family. I talked to my co-workers, my students, my boyfriend, my gay friends, my straight friends, guys, girls. They still love me. They still want to know what's going on. I didn't have the heavy rejection that comes with HIV. In fact immediately I found doctors who were HIV specialists. I got a therapist in fear I would bottom out. I did all the means that I could to make myself fight off the hardship and seek out happiness.
There are many people in this room that are amazing, and are fighting battles that I may never see. This makes me intimidated because my thoughts and feelings might not be accepted due to my lack of life or experience.
My voice teacher had cancer. She told me it was just a word. It wasn't a lifestyle, nor does it give you an excuse not to enjoy or do the things you need to do. I was her last student before she died at 72. She could do the splits even 5 days before she passed. What was a 20-something to think of that advice? After having two other college friends find out they had cancer, a job layoff, a possible paranoia-schizophrenic boyfriend/coworker right after college.
My aunt died when I was 10. I watched her go through cancer, mistaken the sight in which she had a tumor and find out later it had spread. Amputating her leg, all the wigs, and on her death bed no more hair, no more pain, no more feeling.
Another girl I volunteered at an organization for kids. Seeing a girl there who never lived past 13 but received her dying wish, to ride a horse a week before she died.
I don't have HIV experience I have life experience and I have a lot of hope. I might be young, and I may have not been involved with HIV until a year ago but I live on, and I inspire. And I thank. And I love. And I hope.
After I was diagnosed I realized the only way I can do my part is to tell those people around me, hope they would still love me and teach them the reality of HIV.
What happened? I have friends that have been so wonderful and continue to make me smile. I have friends that have perhaps crossed your path because of me. And I have friends that I will continue to seek understanding so that all of us with HIV do not fear it, feel ashamed or unaccepted.
What I really want from this group is reassurance that no matter what background we each have, each one of us has something important to contribute and should not be discounted just because of what we think might be lack of experience, age, creed, or anything else that would discount being open minded and lacking a smile."
We visualize in group and since I found out that I have HIV, I have had three scenes that come into my head. Sometimes I see two of my t-cells floating along. Both are sitting at a table with an umbrella. Margaritas to the side, they sit there playing chess. A virus, maybe HIV or something else, comes along and they tell it to please wait till they are done with the game. At some point the virus can either die or kill it self while it waits.
I sometimes picture HIV and a Tcell playing cards and the HIV turns to the tcell and tells him "Well I guess it's time for me to go away. Good game." The Tcell says it was a good game but he's sorry he has to do this. Tcell makes him go get flushed out of my system.
The last one is HIV are playing paintball with my Tcells. My tcells are just sitting their chatting. HIVs are taunting and the Tcells give them the birdie, shoot them down and head off to effortlessly hunt down the other HIVS.
Day 335:Dear Mom - Don't Cry.
Today my dad pulled me into the kitchen. He asked if we could talk about my performance around the house. What came about was that my dad is generally frustrated with my mom and I, as he feels (which I think he rightfully should) he does a lot of work on their house, in order to sacrifice the rest of his life. One thing led to another and the conversation slippery sloped to me explaining simple communication would be a better solution.
As the conversation went further, I found out my mom doesn't feel like I am taking enough initiative nor asking what I could do. I asked her why she doesn't ask me things nor takes the initiative to tell me how she feels instead of me finding out from my dad that she isn't comfortable with me being gay (let alone HIV positive).
I told her that I was hurt and I don't understand how she can complain about that and yet I try to be open and communicative with her.
I went to my room and had to leave. I cried. My mom cried. She came in and told me she was upset that I tell everyone but her what's going on in my life. I told her that I try to tell her but sometimes all I get is her paying attention to Facebook as opposed to me.
I went into the bathroom and centered myself by taking a shower. My mom cried. She was helpless and didn't understand that to reach me means to reach herself.
I came out of the shower and my dad and I had a conversation about approaching each other. I told him I am very upset that they tell me to take the initiative to do stuff and they tell me if I want something to ask. So if that's the case why couldn't you use both of those pieces of advice for my birthday. Ask me if I wanted to do something or just plan something? Why do I need to ask you to do something special or surprise me?
I explained that if they want something they need to follow the advice they give.
I chatted with my friends online and told them what was going on. My friend Esp invited me up for dinner.
My mom was in the kitchen then went into her room and shut the door.
I went in and just hugged her. She told me that I was right. Maybe she spends too much time online. Maybe she doesn't make the effort to talk to me. Maybe she needs to do more.
I don't know how things will come about, but in order to get what I want I have to ask.
I have to tell my mom how I feel when she ignores me and that I need her as much as she needs me.
I left for dinner and felt better.
Breaking through to my parents has been a huge challenge, but if it weren't for this time now, I think I would be in a very bad place full of stress, loss of hope and a sense that I can't find that road I need to take.
As the conversation went further, I found out my mom doesn't feel like I am taking enough initiative nor asking what I could do. I asked her why she doesn't ask me things nor takes the initiative to tell me how she feels instead of me finding out from my dad that she isn't comfortable with me being gay (let alone HIV positive).
I told her that I was hurt and I don't understand how she can complain about that and yet I try to be open and communicative with her.
I went to my room and had to leave. I cried. My mom cried. She came in and told me she was upset that I tell everyone but her what's going on in my life. I told her that I try to tell her but sometimes all I get is her paying attention to Facebook as opposed to me.
I went into the bathroom and centered myself by taking a shower. My mom cried. She was helpless and didn't understand that to reach me means to reach herself.
I came out of the shower and my dad and I had a conversation about approaching each other. I told him I am very upset that they tell me to take the initiative to do stuff and they tell me if I want something to ask. So if that's the case why couldn't you use both of those pieces of advice for my birthday. Ask me if I wanted to do something or just plan something? Why do I need to ask you to do something special or surprise me?
I explained that if they want something they need to follow the advice they give.
I chatted with my friends online and told them what was going on. My friend Esp invited me up for dinner.
My mom was in the kitchen then went into her room and shut the door.
I went in and just hugged her. She told me that I was right. Maybe she spends too much time online. Maybe she doesn't make the effort to talk to me. Maybe she needs to do more.
I don't know how things will come about, but in order to get what I want I have to ask.
I have to tell my mom how I feel when she ignores me and that I need her as much as she needs me.
I left for dinner and felt better.
Breaking through to my parents has been a huge challenge, but if it weren't for this time now, I think I would be in a very bad place full of stress, loss of hope and a sense that I can't find that road I need to take.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 334: One Month to Go
So today I was chatting with an old Pal about our mutual friend . . . if you call it that! Our Pal, the term we called our group of four who ran marathons and fundraised together, is getting married soon. I haven't talked to our Pal since she started dating her fiance. I was reminded of her because there is a photo with her, my parents cousin and aunt at the Wild Animal Park in my grandmothers house.
That photo is over 4 years old.
Up until now I haven't talked about her. Pal-J. Not even with our other pals, Pal-H and Pal-S. Pal-H and I were chatting today, catching up with where we are in the world. She mentioned Pal-J's wedding, and for some reason I think she might have thought I was invited or at least knew something about it.
So here it is. I was PJ's first official homosexual friend. She and I were at a bar and she casually asked me if I was gay, as a joke. And I responded with puppy dog eyes that I was. I wasn't quite into saying anything, I guess because like the relationship I have with my parents, I fear talking about it with a response of criticism. I don't like to tell people because I get tired of it because people feel there is a lifestyle or agenda attached. I really really want those memos cause I am stranded people. I don't know how to be gay! I think about motor boating chicks and that might cause conflict with people's perception of what it means to be gay.
Back to the topic. She and I would have so much fun. She'd ask me questions, say naughty things, comment on bakla and other gay things.
The last time I talked to her I was at our favorite mexican place and she mentioned she met a guy and told me all about him. I said I couldn't wait to meet him. She said that she wasn't sure because he doesn't feel comfortable around gay people.
Wait, not only are you dating but now living with someone who doesn't feel comfortable, oh wait he doesn't really like gay people? And you are ok with this?
I was hurt. I didn't know what to say or how to respond, but this person I had, well exposed my bottom to in a bay on Oahu around 1am in December had told me she accepted this person that would never accept me for being gay.
I don't get it, why do people immediately assume that gay equals fruity drinks and sex toys? What happened to that frat boy kick ass timbre or the many variations. What does it mean to be gay? Or to identify with the enjoyment of penis with penis? Did he even know I like the vagina once in a while, but a prick like that I would never tell it to. In fact I would probably meet him and some how push the gayness in me and bring a can of crisco just to make him think twice.
Yesterday I was waiting in line for a port-o potty. This man fell out of one with his pants down and the girl inside quickly pulled down her dress and shut the door. You know gay people can be labeled so many dirty things but when it comes to a man and a woman in a port-o potty, it's cute, sly and daring.
So I talked to Pal-H about this and she responded about how she doesn't like the guy but she is not the one marrying him. I wish PJ had more sense in her.
I went up to the couple after I pissed. I asked him if he buys his underwear cause the hanes boxer briefs were just not sexy. I asked his girl if she wouldn't mind buying some cute briefs or just go naked.
I feel a little better. I haven't talked to her since that dinner. In fact I think I left thinking that I would never talk to her after that day. She was convinced I wouldn't be fit to meet the man she's thinking about marrying because I like a hug from a guy and I don't mind if it's a naked hug.
Rejection sucks especially if it's because of something you can't help but to be a part of. I am fortunate because even if I give up a friend like that, knowing that I will have a void in my life, I am being my own hero and remembering that I still have people that care about me.
That photo is over 4 years old.
Up until now I haven't talked about her. Pal-J. Not even with our other pals, Pal-H and Pal-S. Pal-H and I were chatting today, catching up with where we are in the world. She mentioned Pal-J's wedding, and for some reason I think she might have thought I was invited or at least knew something about it.
So here it is. I was PJ's first official homosexual friend. She and I were at a bar and she casually asked me if I was gay, as a joke. And I responded with puppy dog eyes that I was. I wasn't quite into saying anything, I guess because like the relationship I have with my parents, I fear talking about it with a response of criticism. I don't like to tell people because I get tired of it because people feel there is a lifestyle or agenda attached. I really really want those memos cause I am stranded people. I don't know how to be gay! I think about motor boating chicks and that might cause conflict with people's perception of what it means to be gay.
Back to the topic. She and I would have so much fun. She'd ask me questions, say naughty things, comment on bakla and other gay things.
The last time I talked to her I was at our favorite mexican place and she mentioned she met a guy and told me all about him. I said I couldn't wait to meet him. She said that she wasn't sure because he doesn't feel comfortable around gay people.
Wait, not only are you dating but now living with someone who doesn't feel comfortable, oh wait he doesn't really like gay people? And you are ok with this?
I was hurt. I didn't know what to say or how to respond, but this person I had, well exposed my bottom to in a bay on Oahu around 1am in December had told me she accepted this person that would never accept me for being gay.
I don't get it, why do people immediately assume that gay equals fruity drinks and sex toys? What happened to that frat boy kick ass timbre or the many variations. What does it mean to be gay? Or to identify with the enjoyment of penis with penis? Did he even know I like the vagina once in a while, but a prick like that I would never tell it to. In fact I would probably meet him and some how push the gayness in me and bring a can of crisco just to make him think twice.
Yesterday I was waiting in line for a port-o potty. This man fell out of one with his pants down and the girl inside quickly pulled down her dress and shut the door. You know gay people can be labeled so many dirty things but when it comes to a man and a woman in a port-o potty, it's cute, sly and daring.
So I talked to Pal-H about this and she responded about how she doesn't like the guy but she is not the one marrying him. I wish PJ had more sense in her.
I went up to the couple after I pissed. I asked him if he buys his underwear cause the hanes boxer briefs were just not sexy. I asked his girl if she wouldn't mind buying some cute briefs or just go naked.
I feel a little better. I haven't talked to her since that dinner. In fact I think I left thinking that I would never talk to her after that day. She was convinced I wouldn't be fit to meet the man she's thinking about marrying because I like a hug from a guy and I don't mind if it's a naked hug.
Rejection sucks especially if it's because of something you can't help but to be a part of. I am fortunate because even if I give up a friend like that, knowing that I will have a void in my life, I am being my own hero and remembering that I still have people that care about me.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Day 330: My First Group Experience
So I was recommended to start a 16 week program that goes over the healthy lifestyfle assessment of those people living with HIV and having amazing lives. All of them have amazing lives but only 10% are living with the virus without complications.
This was the first time i went into a group. I biked there which was great! 16 miles one way. I came in and was 5 minutes late but just in time for me to find a seat with, holy shit there were like 40 people and I have to talk about me having HIV, what if, what, I mean, random people, out of my element, I don't have control over who or what or when . . . and this is when I tell myself, it's ok. Calm down. With the fear of revealing to much comes the regression back to avoiding stories.
There are so many people. Motley. I don't see anyone my age, well no, there are two African-American girls that look a little younger. They are adorable. There is a guy next to me who seems to be void of hope and doesn't see any happiness in being positive. There are two guys in their early twenties who walk in late, and the rest? OLD! Ok so I really have nothing against old people. It's about how you take care of yourself, and that's the key.
What I saw there were a random group of people, some who did take care of themselves and some who were enveloped in hopelessness and were led to places they don't like.
That's what this class is all about. Going from where you are now and taking a step to improve your mental, social and physical well being. Wow! Everyone reading? You have to get HIV to finally take time out of your life to improve your mental, social and physical health. Don't forget that. (Or you can start before getting it and take the time now to be one step of my sexy ass. Cause you know in 16 weeks you are gonna wish you can tap this and I am going to be like "No Mistah Super Man is not here." Denied!
So we were in pairs and I told my partner why I was here. She told me why she was here - to improve her life and to live better. Isn't that what we all want? I almost cried when she said that. I think next week I will give her a hug and tell her. Tell her - she's going to be successful cause she's taking a step to do it. I believe in her as much as I believed in me almost a year ago. Things seem fuzzy, but then life slowly settles as much as it can and you realize you are moving along.
I know I usually have some humor at this point about serious situations. But really there is nothing to laugh at her motivation. However if she can't do it, all her gay pals are going to show her the light. Cause it's flaming in that room and we gotta lead Carolann towards it.
This was the first time i went into a group. I biked there which was great! 16 miles one way. I came in and was 5 minutes late but just in time for me to find a seat with, holy shit there were like 40 people and I have to talk about me having HIV, what if, what, I mean, random people, out of my element, I don't have control over who or what or when . . . and this is when I tell myself, it's ok. Calm down. With the fear of revealing to much comes the regression back to avoiding stories.
There are so many people. Motley. I don't see anyone my age, well no, there are two African-American girls that look a little younger. They are adorable. There is a guy next to me who seems to be void of hope and doesn't see any happiness in being positive. There are two guys in their early twenties who walk in late, and the rest? OLD! Ok so I really have nothing against old people. It's about how you take care of yourself, and that's the key.
What I saw there were a random group of people, some who did take care of themselves and some who were enveloped in hopelessness and were led to places they don't like.
That's what this class is all about. Going from where you are now and taking a step to improve your mental, social and physical well being. Wow! Everyone reading? You have to get HIV to finally take time out of your life to improve your mental, social and physical health. Don't forget that. (Or you can start before getting it and take the time now to be one step of my sexy ass. Cause you know in 16 weeks you are gonna wish you can tap this and I am going to be like "No Mistah Super Man is not here." Denied!
So we were in pairs and I told my partner why I was here. She told me why she was here - to improve her life and to live better. Isn't that what we all want? I almost cried when she said that. I think next week I will give her a hug and tell her. Tell her - she's going to be successful cause she's taking a step to do it. I believe in her as much as I believed in me almost a year ago. Things seem fuzzy, but then life slowly settles as much as it can and you realize you are moving along.
I know I usually have some humor at this point about serious situations. But really there is nothing to laugh at her motivation. However if she can't do it, all her gay pals are going to show her the light. Cause it's flaming in that room and we gotta lead Carolann towards it.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Day 328: That's long!
Yeah I calculated the days today. 328 days. I don't know how time has flown so fast. I am sitting in my room looking at the painted sky. The sun is dropping over the hills and a brown pittbull keeps coming by me wishing i'd pet her. I can tell she is always happy to see me because she has that "shit-ass grin" on her face and her long tail wagging back and forth.
I miss having a regular pet. It makes me feel so excited when I come home and find this muscular old creature wanting to pounce me the best that she can. Ok so she has bad gas, she is unmovable at night. Once she had me in the covers on the edge of the bed. The bed was holding one side of the covers and she the other. I couldn't move.
But - she loves to cuddle. Sometimes i find myself laying with her or she up against me. I've had some of the best afternoon naps with her beside me.
Life has such a random transition and pets are such a great way to bring you back to the simplest forms of companionship. To see the appreciation of caring for a pet by having them lay at your feet, lay in your lap during a movie, snot on your leg, fart at 3am with their backside near your face, decide to go to the bathroom at 4am and not want to return from a few acres away because 4am squirrel hunting is so much fun, and the tiny growls that indicate she wants help getting off the couch. Oh don't forget when she howls in the middle of the night and you wonder if she's playing the werewolf game!
That long tail beats like a propeller, ready to fly her high into the sky. One day it will take her there, sooner than later. At 13 it's expected she should live just a little bit longer. However with her vivacity, she's just like her owners - kick ass!
I miss having a regular pet. It makes me feel so excited when I come home and find this muscular old creature wanting to pounce me the best that she can. Ok so she has bad gas, she is unmovable at night. Once she had me in the covers on the edge of the bed. The bed was holding one side of the covers and she the other. I couldn't move.
But - she loves to cuddle. Sometimes i find myself laying with her or she up against me. I've had some of the best afternoon naps with her beside me.
Life has such a random transition and pets are such a great way to bring you back to the simplest forms of companionship. To see the appreciation of caring for a pet by having them lay at your feet, lay in your lap during a movie, snot on your leg, fart at 3am with their backside near your face, decide to go to the bathroom at 4am and not want to return from a few acres away because 4am squirrel hunting is so much fun, and the tiny growls that indicate she wants help getting off the couch. Oh don't forget when she howls in the middle of the night and you wonder if she's playing the werewolf game!
That long tail beats like a propeller, ready to fly her high into the sky. One day it will take her there, sooner than later. At 13 it's expected she should live just a little bit longer. However with her vivacity, she's just like her owners - kick ass!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Day 225: Permission to Live
When I read that Jerry Brown and Arnold both elected to continue issuing marriage license to gays, etc. despite if a stay would be put in place, I felt human. I felt like I was able to do something I wasn't permitted to do only because I was living life. In fact I felt a layer of anxiety lifted off my soul because I know that I have been given permission to live my life how I want to.
In fact, I think I feel more oppressed as a person who is attracted to the same sex as opposed to someone who is vacationing with a semi-public stigma.
When I watched testimony that homosexuals are vectors for disease, all I could think about was "Really? If that were true then maybe there wouldn't be so much hate and conflict among homosexuals. Maybe there wouldn't be so many gay men fearful to have a relationship or just befriend someone with HIV because they might just get to close."
That never bothered me.
When I heard that gay marriage would lead to prostitution all I could think about was how many escorts and performers of the late late evening are probably a little more cautious about transmission rates compared to the population in general. If prostitution was legal, maybe people lurking at night online wouldn't find themselves making poor choices and saying, "Hmmm my libido is high But you have a huge heart." And when I say heart I mean penis. At 1am your heart, mind, body and soul are all controlled by the penis. This of course only works for gay men because lesbians have fallen asleep cuddling with the woman they met at happy hour and getting ready to go get their marriage certificate.
What bothered me is that I felt no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much hope I had I would always look at history, at society, at the adulterated research and see I can never have what I could always want, a relationship where I felt complete. I couldn't even have second place, which is a proposal from a Trannie.
And now?
Now I can have it and with the second chance that opportunity is available, it increases the wavering hope from before and focuses it on a pathway to happiness. For once I feel like there is hope that I can what makes me feel happy.
Why do we need permission to be happy? Why do we have to fight for it?
I wonder if I valued relationships, love, if I was taught that I could have what I wanted instead of taking forth place and following a choice that seemed better than being withdrawn and alone then maybe I would have been able to ask for what I wanted. Maybe I could have waited longer. Maybe I would still be a virgin. Maybe!
In fact, I think I feel more oppressed as a person who is attracted to the same sex as opposed to someone who is vacationing with a semi-public stigma.
When I watched testimony that homosexuals are vectors for disease, all I could think about was "Really? If that were true then maybe there wouldn't be so much hate and conflict among homosexuals. Maybe there wouldn't be so many gay men fearful to have a relationship or just befriend someone with HIV because they might just get to close."
That never bothered me.
When I heard that gay marriage would lead to prostitution all I could think about was how many escorts and performers of the late late evening are probably a little more cautious about transmission rates compared to the population in general. If prostitution was legal, maybe people lurking at night online wouldn't find themselves making poor choices and saying, "Hmmm my libido is high But you have a huge heart." And when I say heart I mean penis. At 1am your heart, mind, body and soul are all controlled by the penis. This of course only works for gay men because lesbians have fallen asleep cuddling with the woman they met at happy hour and getting ready to go get their marriage certificate.
What bothered me is that I felt no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much hope I had I would always look at history, at society, at the adulterated research and see I can never have what I could always want, a relationship where I felt complete. I couldn't even have second place, which is a proposal from a Trannie.
And now?
Now I can have it and with the second chance that opportunity is available, it increases the wavering hope from before and focuses it on a pathway to happiness. For once I feel like there is hope that I can what makes me feel happy.
Why do we need permission to be happy? Why do we have to fight for it?
I wonder if I valued relationships, love, if I was taught that I could have what I wanted instead of taking forth place and following a choice that seemed better than being withdrawn and alone then maybe I would have been able to ask for what I wanted. Maybe I could have waited longer. Maybe I would still be a virgin. Maybe!
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