I watched Angels in America again (hence the title). I really love the movie adapted from the play. How can something so terrible and terrifying create a work of art that is inspiring and gives you love and hope?
Isn't that what artists do? They capture terror, disease, war and remind us how horrible it is and that death is a fact of life but how we live will determine how happy we are.
I think about the beauty in this play, or Vaughan Williams Dona Nobis Pacem, or many other pieces created from the opposition of world war I and many other wars.
I am regrouping and I am finding peace. I am finding a way to grant myself peace.
There is still no word from the job but I am not letting that bother me. Right now I am giving myself peace and letting myself enjoy the love that is surrounding me.
I have a block of time that I am eliminating all war, hate, unjust and re-energizing myself for the battles to come.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Day 106: Mommy and Me
I realize with assertion comes accountability. Ensuring you are keeping yourself responsible with friends and family.
You must recognize the times to be stoic and the times to speak your mind. When you speak your mind you need to ensure that you communicate in a way that isn't hurtful but still expresses your feelings. You also need to know your own truth.
My mom and I have been communicating more via chat. I feel like I should be saying things verbally, however I realize we need to take things in steps. My mom needs a few steps. I am working with her on getting a therapist and letting her know how important it is to her and my sister that she take time for her self. I remind her how amazing she is and how she has inspired my sister and I. She continues to lose herself and now is the time to find it.
I try to reassure to her that therapy isn't just for depression or anxiety, it's a tool to help you come to terms with who you are and find the ways to improve yourself. And to do it with someone that can be objective and also give you lessons in communication.
I am steps closer to getting help for her. I say help, really she needs someone to tell her problems to other than my dad.
She wants to be a better person, more active, fit, outgoing but can't figure out why she isn't improving. My dad is a great guy for advise but he's to close to her and she needs an outside resource.
I hope my mom doesn't turn into a monster!
Part of the conversations I had with my mom were about HIV and how I got it. I typed openly and freely to her about it and explained my current tests. She said sh figured out after chatting with my dad what I had. She went to work and cried.
There it was. My fear. The thing that would haunt me the most about this.
And with every fear you either kick it's ass or let it eat you alive.
My mom and I talked. She told her coworker who is a good friend of hers. My mom told me that she and her coworker took and HIV/AIDS class for certification credits after that, so they could learn more about this.
My mom also told me no matter what they would always love me and be there for me.
Isn't that a great feeling? Acceptance.
I had to get a disease to become closer to my family and to understand that I won't let down.
I am lucky and fortunate to have such wonderful support.
You must recognize the times to be stoic and the times to speak your mind. When you speak your mind you need to ensure that you communicate in a way that isn't hurtful but still expresses your feelings. You also need to know your own truth.
My mom and I have been communicating more via chat. I feel like I should be saying things verbally, however I realize we need to take things in steps. My mom needs a few steps. I am working with her on getting a therapist and letting her know how important it is to her and my sister that she take time for her self. I remind her how amazing she is and how she has inspired my sister and I. She continues to lose herself and now is the time to find it.
I try to reassure to her that therapy isn't just for depression or anxiety, it's a tool to help you come to terms with who you are and find the ways to improve yourself. And to do it with someone that can be objective and also give you lessons in communication.
I am steps closer to getting help for her. I say help, really she needs someone to tell her problems to other than my dad.
She wants to be a better person, more active, fit, outgoing but can't figure out why she isn't improving. My dad is a great guy for advise but he's to close to her and she needs an outside resource.
I hope my mom doesn't turn into a monster!
Part of the conversations I had with my mom were about HIV and how I got it. I typed openly and freely to her about it and explained my current tests. She said sh figured out after chatting with my dad what I had. She went to work and cried.
There it was. My fear. The thing that would haunt me the most about this.
And with every fear you either kick it's ass or let it eat you alive.
My mom and I talked. She told her coworker who is a good friend of hers. My mom told me that she and her coworker took and HIV/AIDS class for certification credits after that, so they could learn more about this.
My mom also told me no matter what they would always love me and be there for me.
Isn't that a great feeling? Acceptance.
I had to get a disease to become closer to my family and to understand that I won't let down.
I am lucky and fortunate to have such wonderful support.
Day 105: Friendship Scale
It's Monday night and I made it back from Orange County. I got a new cell phone and I had a therapy session.
So in therapy I am working on improving my assertive skills. I applied them immediately after my session.
I am finding that I am evolving into the next plateau of maturity. I promise I will still retain the banter and inappropriate commentary - don't worry!
I feel like as I confront this disease and I work towards gaining high skills in being assertive I can't seem to be as stoic with areas that I once took in stride and scuffed off.
I encountered this over the break. My therapist talked about this, but first we talked about the layers of friendships. She asked me about this before we even started and it was because of this Friendship Scale, that she was able to point out how to deal with my situation.
We all know there are friends and acquaintances in our lives. Some people we can say penis to with out getting offended while other people might thing you are crazy. So here I present the three tiers.
First tier are acquaintances. This tier can span out into several levels, whether it be co-workers, regular party goers, people you add on facebook because you had drinks with them after a concert, or any number of people that you may or may not want to see on a regular basis.
The second tier are good friends that are in your life for a short period of time. These are the people who you have maybe a few months to a few years of support and friendship. These are the people that might move away but you may or may not see them again. Sometimes they can come back into your life but usually you will see a break.
The last tier are the people that you talk to or visit more than once a year. These are the people you can identify several commonalities in your life and these friendships last more than 5 - 10 years. These are the people that you have to see or you will just die. These are people that you can go a few years without seeing and when you do it feels like time hasn't past. This happens with the second tier, the difference is you actually see these people more frequently.
There is a forth tier but very few people make it to that one. That would be your best friend, your life partner, your spouse, your children and your dog, cat or animal - people you would need therapy if they were to suddenly disappear from your life.
So why the tiers? Well when you identify which tier your friends are in then it makes it easier to understand their placement in your life and how much time you can or should invest in them. Sometimes we invest our time in the wrong people and other times we don't invest enough time for the right people.
If one of your friends did something wrong, treated you in a poor way or did something behind your back, having tiers can help determine how to deal with them in a justifiable manner.
For example a friend in tier one, if they did something bad you probably would want to eliminate them from your networks or find a clandestine way to not talk to them. Why put the energy into something that is going to end badly or lead to countless bar hours talking smack about old co-workers?
If you friend is in the second or third tier, it might be time to rethink their level of friendship in relation to how you were treated. With these it would be proper to say WTF or even drop them down a level. It's common human behavior to repeat mistakes. No sense of getting burned several times - just be prepared.
What it comes down to is this. You are amazing. I am not directing this at myself although I know I am amazing in my ridiculous quirky jackass retarded ways. Hey I know that and it's ok cause I am gay! But you? Yes you too are amazing. So why do you need to be taken advantage of? Why do you need to sacrifice your time to improve yourself, your health, your well-being for other people that aren't there to compliment your friendship and grow with you?
We all have our moments, but sometimes people aren't growing with you.
I think to have a really tight friendship you need to have 3 or more activities in common. FYI - Drinking is not an activity, it's an accessory that can be a part of all activities but the act of sitting down and drinking and starring at each other - boring and not on the list, well at least not on mine.
With that said, last Thursday I had a friend that asked me to be part of the family by participating as a Godparent. If you know how I am around kids or animals then you know how much I love them and can't wait until one day I can have my very own! They didn't have a Godfather chosen so I said I wouldn't mind. The ceremony was a short distance from Debbie's house and was on Saturday.
The first thing I did was find two wonderful chants to sing. I wanted to give the child a prayer that would be appropriate to the ceremony and also something that I would sing and really believe in the hope and love that the text speak about. I also did some online research about being a Godfather, although a lot of it was how to be like Al Pacino. I can do that! And last what to give the kid in his years to come. I was excited to be the one to send him tasty bottles of booze in his college years to accompany the soft plush items he had there kept from items given in his early years.
On Saturday morning I texted her for the address of the church. I received a text with the address and saying that the husband did not want me to be the Godfather because I would drink his port when he got older. I texted back ok and then received a text that said I hope you can still make it.
I am still baffled. My therapist and I talked about this. Ok so you talk to your spouse before making these choices, but I was in college with both of them.
Ok so you don't want me to do it make up a story that will let me down with comfort. Say your mother didn't accept the fact that I was a homosexual and it's against the catholic way . . . still hard to hear but less hurtful.
I got a couple other texts thanking me for not showing up and telling me I better fly out for the husband's birthday.
So the assertive skills came out. I texted her the entire response to how I felt and that I didn't think it was nice.
Her reasoning was that I was prematurely asked and would not be a good spiritual leader for their child. Ok maybe I don't know enough about being a Catholic or anything about dealing with children. Fair enough.
She didn't think it meant that much to me. Well of course after singing in the Catholic Church for 7 years I meant nothing I sang about to the kids receiving their baptism or first communion.
She said she didn't think I would wanted to do it anyways, that it was their son. Ok yes it's your child, accepted.
She said they didn't have a Godfather anyways. So what your are saying is you would rather have no one than me. Could you just lie and say your mom didn't want me to do it?
So what kind of friend am I to you? I wondered that.
I told my therapist that it made me question what priority I have given them and how I should handle this. How do we handle people that hurt us? Maybe they didn't realize the hurt? But after so many years, wouldn't you want someone you believe in to really be there for you and your family?
And that was it. I don't really feel the confidence. Perhaps I lost trust over the years and maybe their knowledge of me having HIV has deflected their thoughts. Who knows?
First things first. You - yes you, you should never let anyone bring you down, especially after you are disappointed. If you are then you need to let them know. If their answer is anything but I am sorry how can we fix this, then it's time to rethink your friendship.
My therapy session wasn't spent deducing the friendship tier, it was spent saying out loud, I can't just ignore this and I didn't.
I asked her when she figured out how to not insult me after hurting or offending me then maybe we could talk. In the meantime, please don't get insulted if I shy away from this friendship.
After I said this I felt better. I told a few friends and received several stories of similar situations and praises of how I will be a great dad one day and it's a sad loss for the cute kid!
We choose our friends and our friends choose us. How we want to foster friendships is a team effort. I felt like the team let me down. But why am I worried? I have lots of teams who are ready to cheer me on.
Go you! Go me! Go us!
So in therapy I am working on improving my assertive skills. I applied them immediately after my session.
I am finding that I am evolving into the next plateau of maturity. I promise I will still retain the banter and inappropriate commentary - don't worry!
I feel like as I confront this disease and I work towards gaining high skills in being assertive I can't seem to be as stoic with areas that I once took in stride and scuffed off.
I encountered this over the break. My therapist talked about this, but first we talked about the layers of friendships. She asked me about this before we even started and it was because of this Friendship Scale, that she was able to point out how to deal with my situation.
We all know there are friends and acquaintances in our lives. Some people we can say penis to with out getting offended while other people might thing you are crazy. So here I present the three tiers.
First tier are acquaintances. This tier can span out into several levels, whether it be co-workers, regular party goers, people you add on facebook because you had drinks with them after a concert, or any number of people that you may or may not want to see on a regular basis.
The second tier are good friends that are in your life for a short period of time. These are the people who you have maybe a few months to a few years of support and friendship. These are the people that might move away but you may or may not see them again. Sometimes they can come back into your life but usually you will see a break.
The last tier are the people that you talk to or visit more than once a year. These are the people you can identify several commonalities in your life and these friendships last more than 5 - 10 years. These are the people that you have to see or you will just die. These are people that you can go a few years without seeing and when you do it feels like time hasn't past. This happens with the second tier, the difference is you actually see these people more frequently.
There is a forth tier but very few people make it to that one. That would be your best friend, your life partner, your spouse, your children and your dog, cat or animal - people you would need therapy if they were to suddenly disappear from your life.
So why the tiers? Well when you identify which tier your friends are in then it makes it easier to understand their placement in your life and how much time you can or should invest in them. Sometimes we invest our time in the wrong people and other times we don't invest enough time for the right people.
If one of your friends did something wrong, treated you in a poor way or did something behind your back, having tiers can help determine how to deal with them in a justifiable manner.
For example a friend in tier one, if they did something bad you probably would want to eliminate them from your networks or find a clandestine way to not talk to them. Why put the energy into something that is going to end badly or lead to countless bar hours talking smack about old co-workers?
If you friend is in the second or third tier, it might be time to rethink their level of friendship in relation to how you were treated. With these it would be proper to say WTF or even drop them down a level. It's common human behavior to repeat mistakes. No sense of getting burned several times - just be prepared.
What it comes down to is this. You are amazing. I am not directing this at myself although I know I am amazing in my ridiculous quirky jackass retarded ways. Hey I know that and it's ok cause I am gay! But you? Yes you too are amazing. So why do you need to be taken advantage of? Why do you need to sacrifice your time to improve yourself, your health, your well-being for other people that aren't there to compliment your friendship and grow with you?
We all have our moments, but sometimes people aren't growing with you.
I think to have a really tight friendship you need to have 3 or more activities in common. FYI - Drinking is not an activity, it's an accessory that can be a part of all activities but the act of sitting down and drinking and starring at each other - boring and not on the list, well at least not on mine.
With that said, last Thursday I had a friend that asked me to be part of the family by participating as a Godparent. If you know how I am around kids or animals then you know how much I love them and can't wait until one day I can have my very own! They didn't have a Godfather chosen so I said I wouldn't mind. The ceremony was a short distance from Debbie's house and was on Saturday.
The first thing I did was find two wonderful chants to sing. I wanted to give the child a prayer that would be appropriate to the ceremony and also something that I would sing and really believe in the hope and love that the text speak about. I also did some online research about being a Godfather, although a lot of it was how to be like Al Pacino. I can do that! And last what to give the kid in his years to come. I was excited to be the one to send him tasty bottles of booze in his college years to accompany the soft plush items he had there kept from items given in his early years.
On Saturday morning I texted her for the address of the church. I received a text with the address and saying that the husband did not want me to be the Godfather because I would drink his port when he got older. I texted back ok and then received a text that said I hope you can still make it.
I am still baffled. My therapist and I talked about this. Ok so you talk to your spouse before making these choices, but I was in college with both of them.
Ok so you don't want me to do it make up a story that will let me down with comfort. Say your mother didn't accept the fact that I was a homosexual and it's against the catholic way . . . still hard to hear but less hurtful.
I got a couple other texts thanking me for not showing up and telling me I better fly out for the husband's birthday.
So the assertive skills came out. I texted her the entire response to how I felt and that I didn't think it was nice.
Her reasoning was that I was prematurely asked and would not be a good spiritual leader for their child. Ok maybe I don't know enough about being a Catholic or anything about dealing with children. Fair enough.
She didn't think it meant that much to me. Well of course after singing in the Catholic Church for 7 years I meant nothing I sang about to the kids receiving their baptism or first communion.
She said she didn't think I would wanted to do it anyways, that it was their son. Ok yes it's your child, accepted.
She said they didn't have a Godfather anyways. So what your are saying is you would rather have no one than me. Could you just lie and say your mom didn't want me to do it?
So what kind of friend am I to you? I wondered that.
I told my therapist that it made me question what priority I have given them and how I should handle this. How do we handle people that hurt us? Maybe they didn't realize the hurt? But after so many years, wouldn't you want someone you believe in to really be there for you and your family?
And that was it. I don't really feel the confidence. Perhaps I lost trust over the years and maybe their knowledge of me having HIV has deflected their thoughts. Who knows?
First things first. You - yes you, you should never let anyone bring you down, especially after you are disappointed. If you are then you need to let them know. If their answer is anything but I am sorry how can we fix this, then it's time to rethink your friendship.
My therapy session wasn't spent deducing the friendship tier, it was spent saying out loud, I can't just ignore this and I didn't.
I asked her when she figured out how to not insult me after hurting or offending me then maybe we could talk. In the meantime, please don't get insulted if I shy away from this friendship.
After I said this I felt better. I told a few friends and received several stories of similar situations and praises of how I will be a great dad one day and it's a sad loss for the cute kid!
We choose our friends and our friends choose us. How we want to foster friendships is a team effort. I felt like the team let me down. But why am I worried? I have lots of teams who are ready to cheer me on.
Go you! Go me! Go us!
Day 102 - 104: Why Didn't I Just Go Home?
I kept asking myself this most of the time. Why didn't I go home to my parents house for Christmas? When I went to church and sang along?
When I ate prime rib and did karaoke Christmas tunes and had a nice pino? When I opened one gift, yes I had gifts, on Christmas Eve which was pj's. We all had pj's to open and put on and wear to bed AND wake up and open gifts in and eat breakfast in. The entire time I was visiting I was treated like Tiny Tim post Scrooge's enlightenment. I had no idea I was going to have a stocking and gifts and feel what Christmas is supposed to mean.
I felt a little guilty. But then I reminded myself why I came. It was to center myself. It was to be happy and not have any worries about disappointment or fears.
I was disappointed during the trip but thank Kris Kringle for having friends who want to make sure you are happy when you aren't quite centered.
I was overwhelmed with the appreciation and love and I was so glad I made the choice to go there. If the scale of disappointment for my birthday was tilted to the other end, that's how my Christmas was.
When I ate prime rib and did karaoke Christmas tunes and had a nice pino? When I opened one gift, yes I had gifts, on Christmas Eve which was pj's. We all had pj's to open and put on and wear to bed AND wake up and open gifts in and eat breakfast in. The entire time I was visiting I was treated like Tiny Tim post Scrooge's enlightenment. I had no idea I was going to have a stocking and gifts and feel what Christmas is supposed to mean.
I felt a little guilty. But then I reminded myself why I came. It was to center myself. It was to be happy and not have any worries about disappointment or fears.
I was disappointed during the trip but thank Kris Kringle for having friends who want to make sure you are happy when you aren't quite centered.
I was overwhelmed with the appreciation and love and I was so glad I made the choice to go there. If the scale of disappointment for my birthday was tilted to the other end, that's how my Christmas was.
Day 101: Christmas Time Is Here
I am over 100 days. One Hundred Days! Shall we have a party at 1000 days? Let's do it!
This year I decided to spend Christmas with my friend Debbie's family.
I made the choice not to drive up and back to Sacramento for three reasons.
1. a six foot two person in any vehicle for 8 hours up and back is not fun. Did I mention I am slightly claustrophobic? With the MRI I could focus my fears and tell myself I am not trapped. Once I believe I am not trapped then I calm down and proceed without fear. When you are folded over lie a clown car passenger for an extended period you begin to stress.
2. I didn't want to stress. I didn't want to worry about going up to see the family and have any fears. Fears of disappointment, fears of confronting people, fear of hiding, fear of discrimination, so many fears. I don't know if they would ever arise and the point is I don't know and at this point I want to do what ever I can to not stress. I am searching for a job, I am applying to grad school, I am trying to manage headaches, I am trying to understand why I am cleaning the bathroom again! Stress? No thanks!
3. I just saw my parents at Thanksgiving and as much as I love them, it would be an overload for me. Having just recently been disappointed I feel like if there was one little thing that I didn't enjoy it would bring back a lot of bad emotions.
So instead of this I decided to visit Debbie's family and see friends in the LA area. I decided I wasn't going to stress. I wasn't going to have any holiday expectations and further more I was just going to enjoy the pure fact that I had no responsibility except to eat, read, play wii and relax.
This year I decided to spend Christmas with my friend Debbie's family.
I made the choice not to drive up and back to Sacramento for three reasons.
1. a six foot two person in any vehicle for 8 hours up and back is not fun. Did I mention I am slightly claustrophobic? With the MRI I could focus my fears and tell myself I am not trapped. Once I believe I am not trapped then I calm down and proceed without fear. When you are folded over lie a clown car passenger for an extended period you begin to stress.
2. I didn't want to stress. I didn't want to worry about going up to see the family and have any fears. Fears of disappointment, fears of confronting people, fear of hiding, fear of discrimination, so many fears. I don't know if they would ever arise and the point is I don't know and at this point I want to do what ever I can to not stress. I am searching for a job, I am applying to grad school, I am trying to manage headaches, I am trying to understand why I am cleaning the bathroom again! Stress? No thanks!
3. I just saw my parents at Thanksgiving and as much as I love them, it would be an overload for me. Having just recently been disappointed I feel like if there was one little thing that I didn't enjoy it would bring back a lot of bad emotions.
So instead of this I decided to visit Debbie's family and see friends in the LA area. I decided I wasn't going to stress. I wasn't going to have any holiday expectations and further more I was just going to enjoy the pure fact that I had no responsibility except to eat, read, play wii and relax.
Day 100: MRI Fune
I went in for my MRI today. It was cold and I was prepared with a long sleeve shirt and flannel pj's.
I have had an MRI on my foot, recently on my upper thigh, and now my brain.
I laid back and immediately they gave me headphones with a selection of music and warm blankets. I didn't have to remove my pants and change for the exam.
Half way through the exam they gave me an injection which was used to highlight what was going on in my brain.
Since I have been having headaches with weather changes I wanted to rule out if there was anything else. Actually just getting the exam was a stress relief in itself.
Preventive care is so important. If there is one thing that stressed me out about getting an HIV test, say 8 years ago, it was the fear of getting it. Then I decided to get checked every 4 months just in case. I realize is a 6 month window period, although now it's decreased to 2 months with the oral test and 1 week for the blood. I began to understand that waiting a year, even if I wasn't at risk was still stressful.
Perhaps not realizing that a simple kiss could not give me HIV could have prevented a lot of that stress, but still the idea of knowing for sure at the moment was helpful.
People - if you haven't done so in a while get tested. Get tested not just for HIV, but for your body chemistry, lyme disease, heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, your physical . . . if you know where you are it's easier to make changes for the better and when the time comes that repair is needed, you will be better equipped to manage the stress.
I have had an MRI on my foot, recently on my upper thigh, and now my brain.
I laid back and immediately they gave me headphones with a selection of music and warm blankets. I didn't have to remove my pants and change for the exam.
Half way through the exam they gave me an injection which was used to highlight what was going on in my brain.
Since I have been having headaches with weather changes I wanted to rule out if there was anything else. Actually just getting the exam was a stress relief in itself.
Preventive care is so important. If there is one thing that stressed me out about getting an HIV test, say 8 years ago, it was the fear of getting it. Then I decided to get checked every 4 months just in case. I realize is a 6 month window period, although now it's decreased to 2 months with the oral test and 1 week for the blood. I began to understand that waiting a year, even if I wasn't at risk was still stressful.
Perhaps not realizing that a simple kiss could not give me HIV could have prevented a lot of that stress, but still the idea of knowing for sure at the moment was helpful.
People - if you haven't done so in a while get tested. Get tested not just for HIV, but for your body chemistry, lyme disease, heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, your physical . . . if you know where you are it's easier to make changes for the better and when the time comes that repair is needed, you will be better equipped to manage the stress.
Day 96 - 99: Catching up
I realize I have been slacking in my posts. It's been great for everyone to remind me to post what is going on in my life - apparently I have loyal readers that gain insight into their lives by seeing the mishaps in my own!
I have condensed a few days together and will get down to the basics during this holiday break.
I did not hear back from the job and currently we are on a forced holiday break from the University.
Thank you everyone for being patient.
Here we go!
I have condensed a few days together and will get down to the basics during this holiday break.
I did not hear back from the job and currently we are on a forced holiday break from the University.
Thank you everyone for being patient.
Here we go!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Day 95: Job Who?
I didn't get word either way if I received the position. That's really frustrating. At least call me back or send me an email saying "We're sorry we can't offer you the position because you would be the hottest person in our office and the Doctor would be jealous. Also we don't hire homo-sex-U-als."
That's all I have to hear!
Well I am beat. I had therapy today. I talked about assertive skills and how I need to be a little more demanding with what I should rightfully have. I also discussed how painful it is to communicate with someone when they are less empathetic (ie. not as psychic to the situation at hand).
Tonight I am going to make squash, salad and meat! Maybe some potatoes a l'oven.
That's all I have to hear!
Well I am beat. I had therapy today. I talked about assertive skills and how I need to be a little more demanding with what I should rightfully have. I also discussed how painful it is to communicate with someone when they are less empathetic (ie. not as psychic to the situation at hand).
Tonight I am going to make squash, salad and meat! Maybe some potatoes a l'oven.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Day 94: Comsuming Thoughts
I can't think of anything but this job. It's sort of like I couldn't think of anything but HIV when I found out. At this point I am pretty sure I didn't get the job. Since the last interviews have past and it's been days, I am thinking they have notified the candidate and are waiting to hear back from HR for the final approval. You know how that goes . . .
Sigh.
I guess I have to hope and try.
Sigh.
I guess I have to hope and try.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Day 93: Jobs Jobs and More Jobs!
I interviewed with a position and it seemed to go ok. That's a mix of things went well and then there were the interesting parts like the doctor took out his nail clippers from his desk and started to clip his nails during the beginning of the interview.
I received a call for another position and the interview will be when I get back from break.
I have to say it's been a relief of stress just to get the interviews. It's also been a relief of stress to have the MRI scheduled. I can't imagine I am going to Love the MRI seeing that I really have to focus to make sure my fear of tight spaces doesn't activate. A few meditative techniques for a bit usually brings me through.
I am not where I want to be however I feel that I am breaking free from my shell and heading in a better direction, a place that I can manage my stress a little better.
I was frustrated in yoga today. I wanted to be free. I wanted to find a place where I can enjoy what I am doing and not feel trapped. The impact of stress from the diagnosis has really aggravated the little points I am bothered about and have made me realize I need to eliminate crap.
As of now I have no job offers however I feel like I am ready and making steps to move forward.
I received a call for another position and the interview will be when I get back from break.
I have to say it's been a relief of stress just to get the interviews. It's also been a relief of stress to have the MRI scheduled. I can't imagine I am going to Love the MRI seeing that I really have to focus to make sure my fear of tight spaces doesn't activate. A few meditative techniques for a bit usually brings me through.
I am not where I want to be however I feel that I am breaking free from my shell and heading in a better direction, a place that I can manage my stress a little better.
I was frustrated in yoga today. I wanted to be free. I wanted to find a place where I can enjoy what I am doing and not feel trapped. The impact of stress from the diagnosis has really aggravated the little points I am bothered about and have made me realize I need to eliminate crap.
As of now I have no job offers however I feel like I am ready and making steps to move forward.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Day 92: Stressaches
I just returned from my appointment. My doctor is issuing an MRI for my brain to make sure everything is ok. He thinks a majority of the problems with the headache is due to stress and sinus pressure.
Since I had a few really bad nights he is going to have an MRI done for two reasons, one to double check and two to relinquish any stress I have over fearing there is something more.
He also gave me something more powerful than Aleve. A pill with two Aleves! Of course I have to remember to eat and drink lots of water.
I think a major contributor with stress has been the time leading to disclosure of my status to my parents. I also think I am unhappy with my job and need a change, soon. Lastly, I need to regain the motivation to keep my home clean and my body nourished. I need to find a steady pace of exercise and lastly I need to take time to enjoy the quiet solitude of a book at a coffee shop, or perhaps a game of Chinese Checkers. Off to work.
Since I had a few really bad nights he is going to have an MRI done for two reasons, one to double check and two to relinquish any stress I have over fearing there is something more.
He also gave me something more powerful than Aleve. A pill with two Aleves! Of course I have to remember to eat and drink lots of water.
I think a major contributor with stress has been the time leading to disclosure of my status to my parents. I also think I am unhappy with my job and need a change, soon. Lastly, I need to regain the motivation to keep my home clean and my body nourished. I need to find a steady pace of exercise and lastly I need to take time to enjoy the quiet solitude of a book at a coffee shop, or perhaps a game of Chinese Checkers. Off to work.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Day 91: Flying Time
Work went by really quickly today and so did my massage. I felt like it was so short. I know my body is relaxed but my mind was tricked into thinking 2 hours was shorter than what it seemed.
I am flushing my body with fluids. I feel like the weekend of sleep really helped.
I am looking forward to winter break.
I am flushing my body with fluids. I feel like the weekend of sleep really helped.
I am looking forward to winter break.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Day 90: Wow
It's been 90 days. 90 days, can you believe it? In a course of 3 months so many things can happen. Today I went to rehearsal, immersed myself in our dress rehearsal and enjoyed the music. I fixed meatballs in sauce with some linguine noodles. My headache is still lingering however it's not as bad. I have been drinking water and trying to make sure I stay hydrated and relaxed. I realize how aggravated I was due to a headache, release of telling my parents and lack of sleep. The intensity was rubbing off on my coworkers and those who crossed my path.
If there was every a downfall since discovering then it would be now when my eyes are slowly opening up and seeing what I really want. I can vision all the goals I want to begin and restart all the activities I found so important but stopped due to lack of motivation and general distractions.
There are many things I am not happy with. I am not happy with my current job. I now realize how unhappy and stressed I am there and realize that change is needed. I also understand that I can't let my jarring feelings intensify and reflect poorly on my work.
I am sitting here in the dark ready to grab my blankets, shower and head to bed. It's so quiet. There is a light shinning on a tree in the neighbors house. Aside from Iago, it's the only illuminated object that is distracting my eyes.
I helped one of my students find housing, I am helping my sister get to school by borrowing my car. I am trying to find a way to relieve my work stress and still manage to figure out how to tell myself that I am still in need of taking care of my own stress and peace of mind.
It's been easier to achieve a place of centering, although I don't feel like I have found it completely. I think yeah it's been easy to get where I am, but has it? It's been convenient really because there has been a lot of preparation, work and support that I have taken advantage of. It hasn't been easy figuring out the right thing to do but my mind is resting more since I have confidence that I have chosen the better path possible. What validates this? I can feel in my heart that the choices I have made to get to this point have been made to sincerely help me for the better.
Sweet dreams.
If there was every a downfall since discovering then it would be now when my eyes are slowly opening up and seeing what I really want. I can vision all the goals I want to begin and restart all the activities I found so important but stopped due to lack of motivation and general distractions.
There are many things I am not happy with. I am not happy with my current job. I now realize how unhappy and stressed I am there and realize that change is needed. I also understand that I can't let my jarring feelings intensify and reflect poorly on my work.
I am sitting here in the dark ready to grab my blankets, shower and head to bed. It's so quiet. There is a light shinning on a tree in the neighbors house. Aside from Iago, it's the only illuminated object that is distracting my eyes.
I helped one of my students find housing, I am helping my sister get to school by borrowing my car. I am trying to find a way to relieve my work stress and still manage to figure out how to tell myself that I am still in need of taking care of my own stress and peace of mind.
It's been easier to achieve a place of centering, although I don't feel like I have found it completely. I think yeah it's been easy to get where I am, but has it? It's been convenient really because there has been a lot of preparation, work and support that I have taken advantage of. It hasn't been easy figuring out the right thing to do but my mind is resting more since I have confidence that I have chosen the better path possible. What validates this? I can feel in my heart that the choices I have made to get to this point have been made to sincerely help me for the better.
Sweet dreams.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Day 89: Winter Lethargy
I went to take it easy today. I didn't want to stress my body after the H1N1 shot. If you'll recall, colds, vaccines and such can temporarily raise your viral load since your body is impacting your immune system.
I woke up and ate some cereal. I turned on South Park, laid on the couch and fell asleep until 7 p.m. I guess my body needed rest.
I woke up and ate some cereal. I turned on South Park, laid on the couch and fell asleep until 7 p.m. I guess my body needed rest.
Day 88: Churchy Chocolate
I got my H1N1 shot today - now I just need my flu shot.
I sang a solo for a church gig this evening. I also did some quartet stuff. I love singing in quartets, especially when the other three people know how to balance with you and you can return the balance right back.
The best part was the ambiance. The choir was composed of 4 soloists and the choir where everyone was over 70. Old churchy choir people are sooo cute. After many carols and Christmas spirit we headed into the side building where the doors were opened to a fire pit and light rain. Inside was hot chocolate next to a bowl of marshmellows and candy canes. The choir director brought an assortment of chocolate candies filled with liquor.
Churchy Chocolate
Add 7 marshmellows and 1-2 liquor chocolates to your cup. Pour in hot water and let set for 1 minute. Add hot chocolate mix. Stir. Garnish with mini-candy cane with the long side in the liquid portion. Serve
I sang a solo for a church gig this evening. I also did some quartet stuff. I love singing in quartets, especially when the other three people know how to balance with you and you can return the balance right back.
The best part was the ambiance. The choir was composed of 4 soloists and the choir where everyone was over 70. Old churchy choir people are sooo cute. After many carols and Christmas spirit we headed into the side building where the doors were opened to a fire pit and light rain. Inside was hot chocolate next to a bowl of marshmellows and candy canes. The choir director brought an assortment of chocolate candies filled with liquor.
Churchy Chocolate
Add 7 marshmellows and 1-2 liquor chocolates to your cup. Pour in hot water and let set for 1 minute. Add hot chocolate mix. Stir. Garnish with mini-candy cane with the long side in the liquid portion. Serve
Day 87: Frustrations
In general I have been super grumpy and not thinking clearly all week. I am unhappy with my job, I really want to help my sister, I want to make sure my parents are ok, I want to apply for grad school, I want to do the dishes, I want my H1N1 shot and I want to get rid of this headache.
I want way to many thing, more than my body can handle. I think having no sleep the other night has thrown off my thinking. I hate being frustrated because what I want is not always attainable and yet it seems clearly simple.
Maybe I am just way grumpy.
I want way to many thing, more than my body can handle. I think having no sleep the other night has thrown off my thinking. I hate being frustrated because what I want is not always attainable and yet it seems clearly simple.
Maybe I am just way grumpy.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Day 86: Headaches, Dehydration and Masturbation
I've been having headaches and to counteract the pain I have been taking Aleve. BTW it's my new blog sponsor! Little did I realize Aleve needs to be accompanied by water and not wine or spirits! Furthermore if you are ever dehydrated and have the slightest bit of a headache looming in the back of your head do not touch your special purpose. Don't masturbate. I know it's a stress reliever, gets the body going. It also raises your blood pressure and puts stress on your blood vessels. Particularly the blood vessels in the brain.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I also worried that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. This was because after I had manipulated my area and the headache occurred I thought "Just my like I am going to wank and go blind from a stroke." Can you imagine the EMT's coming to your house. You get to the hospital and the find that you had a stroke due to the combination of wine, Aleve and self-relations. That's not how I want to go and from now on if I have a headache and I seem grumpy - you know why. I am going to avoid any activities that could raise my blood pressure and put stress on my brain.
I didn't sleep at all last night. I also worried that if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up. This was because after I had manipulated my area and the headache occurred I thought "Just my like I am going to wank and go blind from a stroke." Can you imagine the EMT's coming to your house. You get to the hospital and the find that you had a stroke due to the combination of wine, Aleve and self-relations. That's not how I want to go and from now on if I have a headache and I seem grumpy - you know why. I am going to avoid any activities that could raise my blood pressure and put stress on my brain.
Day 85: A Call
My mom left a message on my phone. She told me she understood what I was going through and that it was hard but that they are here for me. I had to pause for a moment and I remember during college when my mom had a benign cyst in her breast. I remember before the biopsy she waited in anticipation to see if she had breast cancer.
There is a poem, used in many services, that when read from a Christian standpoint equivocates Love to Jesus. I tend to strip the dogmatic attachment to verses and replace it with my personal quest for myself. When embarking on the path of self intuition and knowledge you go through several phases. I always thought this poem condensed the search into the three strophes. First you find who you are. Next is the energy that you can produce. Last is the reason for searching - to love yourself and those around you.
The Call - George Herbert
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
I think that we can't receive love and acceptance without understanding what makes us tick. I remember when my mom told me of her cancer I was so unbalanced with my life. I spent more time worrying about my mom and worrying about my life if something bad were to happen. Instead I should have been relinquishing the fears and replacing them with many feasts to gain strength.
My parents are strong people but they lack complete balance. My sister is only just beginning to expose her anxiety and uncover personal joys. Me.
I've exposed a huge truth in my life and I find the joys and compassion that come from being honest are worth every moment of anxiety and frustration.
There is a poem, used in many services, that when read from a Christian standpoint equivocates Love to Jesus. I tend to strip the dogmatic attachment to verses and replace it with my personal quest for myself. When embarking on the path of self intuition and knowledge you go through several phases. I always thought this poem condensed the search into the three strophes. First you find who you are. Next is the energy that you can produce. Last is the reason for searching - to love yourself and those around you.
The Call - George Herbert
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
I think that we can't receive love and acceptance without understanding what makes us tick. I remember when my mom told me of her cancer I was so unbalanced with my life. I spent more time worrying about my mom and worrying about my life if something bad were to happen. Instead I should have been relinquishing the fears and replacing them with many feasts to gain strength.
My parents are strong people but they lack complete balance. My sister is only just beginning to expose her anxiety and uncover personal joys. Me.
I've exposed a huge truth in my life and I find the joys and compassion that come from being honest are worth every moment of anxiety and frustration.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Day 84: It Occured To Me . . .
My friend Stef pointed this out:
My dad said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago to the news that I had HIV, mostly because the stigmas attached to HIV 30 years ago were of death, gays and drugs.
Stef said that he probably would have reacted differently not just because of the stigmas 30 years ago but also because I would have been a 3 year old going up to my father saying "Dad I have HIV but not to worry I went on the computer and did my research, I started a blog and checked out supplement information on the internet." My Dad would be furious - "What is this internet and where the hell did you get a computer? Did your mom buy this?"
My dad said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago to the news that I had HIV, mostly because the stigmas attached to HIV 30 years ago were of death, gays and drugs.
Stef said that he probably would have reacted differently not just because of the stigmas 30 years ago but also because I would have been a 3 year old going up to my father saying "Dad I have HIV but not to worry I went on the computer and did my research, I started a blog and checked out supplement information on the internet." My Dad would be furious - "What is this internet and where the hell did you get a computer? Did your mom buy this?"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Day 83: Fuck-uh You Darphin And Whare
I spent the weekend with my friend Ben. Despite having a headache all weekend, spilling into today, we spent the day honoring Pearl Harbor Day by visiting Cabrillo National Park and the Midway Museum. We also kept quoting south park. Fuc-uh you!
I dropped Ben off at the airport, after singing “Somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world” for the billionth time. I came home to watch the latest installment of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. One of the guys lost his mom 11 years ago. He wanted to get off his chest a few issues. Part of the process was bringing his dad in and reading this letter to his father. Telling his father that he’s sorry for having a sex and drug addiction. His father responded that he feels horrible because if he knew sooner then he could have been there to help him.
I called my father and told him.
I told him that I really wanted him to be there for my birthday weekend. He said he can’t be here unless I talk. He said that he’s not psychic and if I want something from them just let them know. He said just say whatever you need to say and not to worry. I told him well if you want something to talk about here it is - I have HIV.
His reaction was basically how I react to something. I have to say I was crying like a little bitch. But if anyone were to tell me something as horrible, my first reaction would be to make sure they are ok. They second would be to make them laugh or smile.
My dad did that. He started to go on about how he is here for me and I stopped him and told him. It wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t be here for me. I knew you would. It was me making sure you are ok. I want to make sure you don’t worry. I want to make sure you have the resources of reassurance that I will be fine. He said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago, but times have changed.
I didn’t tell my mom. I headed straight to my therapy session. My emergency therapy session I scheduled because I knew I had to do this sooner than later.
My therapist and I had a great session. It was such a breakthrough moment to know that this would be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. What can be worse than this?
Props to my sister. My dad said I should be proud of her because she didn't tell them anything. I am proud of her.
I dropped Ben off at the airport, after singing “Somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world” for the billionth time. I came home to watch the latest installment of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. One of the guys lost his mom 11 years ago. He wanted to get off his chest a few issues. Part of the process was bringing his dad in and reading this letter to his father. Telling his father that he’s sorry for having a sex and drug addiction. His father responded that he feels horrible because if he knew sooner then he could have been there to help him.
I called my father and told him.
I told him that I really wanted him to be there for my birthday weekend. He said he can’t be here unless I talk. He said that he’s not psychic and if I want something from them just let them know. He said just say whatever you need to say and not to worry. I told him well if you want something to talk about here it is - I have HIV.
His reaction was basically how I react to something. I have to say I was crying like a little bitch. But if anyone were to tell me something as horrible, my first reaction would be to make sure they are ok. They second would be to make them laugh or smile.
My dad did that. He started to go on about how he is here for me and I stopped him and told him. It wasn’t that I thought you wouldn’t be here for me. I knew you would. It was me making sure you are ok. I want to make sure you don’t worry. I want to make sure you have the resources of reassurance that I will be fine. He said he would have reacted differently 30 years ago, but times have changed.
I didn’t tell my mom. I headed straight to my therapy session. My emergency therapy session I scheduled because I knew I had to do this sooner than later.
My therapist and I had a great session. It was such a breakthrough moment to know that this would be the hardest thing I will ever do in life. What can be worse than this?
Props to my sister. My dad said I should be proud of her because she didn't tell them anything. I am proud of her.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Day 82: How Does It Feel?
A friend asked how does feels to have HIV.
It doesn't feel. It has no feeling. I don't see it. I don't really see signs. I don't have lesions or fat deposits. I don't use meds or have any daily physical reminder I have HIV.
Sometimes I remember I have it. For instance, I was hanging out today and I saw some people who used wheel chairs, walkers, canes, and had a disability and I think how normal I am. That's when I remember. I am no longer normal. I have HIV. I pause. I sigh just a little. It's the smallest sigh. I stop and tell myself to move on and that life is ok. It's ok to have HIV. I will be ok with HIV. If they can move on then why can't I.
It doesn't feel. It has no feeling. I don't see it. I don't really see signs. I don't have lesions or fat deposits. I don't use meds or have any daily physical reminder I have HIV.
Sometimes I remember I have it. For instance, I was hanging out today and I saw some people who used wheel chairs, walkers, canes, and had a disability and I think how normal I am. That's when I remember. I am no longer normal. I have HIV. I pause. I sigh just a little. It's the smallest sigh. I stop and tell myself to move on and that life is ok. It's ok to have HIV. I will be ok with HIV. If they can move on then why can't I.
Day 82: Honest Duncan
I've been watching Dr. Drew's series on Sex Addiction.
I have also been keeping up with Duncan's blog. He's the only gay guy in the group. He's really in touch with himself and calls out the other participants causing them to think and digest this whole experience. He talks after the experience on how each of them went into this experience wanting to tacle their problem and not fall prey to reality tv.
There is a moment when he discusses how sex habits among gay men are pretty standard if you were to talk about sleeping around, kissing or remaining friends soon after sexual encounters. Furthermore, there is so much intolerance in the world and it's flushed in our faces everyday, that gay men are constantly looking for comfort and security. Sex is the easiest way to fulfill that. Since there is a label that all gay men sleep around and are very sexual, this becomes a given standard of how to live a gay life. Unfortunately people, including myself, fall for someone and trust that they can support and take care of them.
Is this sex addiction. It's a question posed on the show. To what degree is it flirtation or normal carnal embrace? What is normal carnal embrace?
Do I have a sex addiction? After watching the show I can say no. Do I feel the need for comfort and companionship. Hell yes. Who doesn't? The trick is, at least looking at why I really got this, is to be your own hero. When you get to a point in your life when you are very stressed, impacted by work, school, family, friends, you must rely on your own heart. You must trust that you will make it through your rough passage and continue to hope that life will get back on a better path.
It's so each to trust and fall into the arms of a hero.
It has taken me a week to really digest this problem. I can't believe I have a slight fear of writing my feelings down the day I have them. Instead I waited.
Duncan wrote in his blog that his brother and mother will see his blog. He is scared of expressing his honesty. He's scared of being shunned. What can you do but say what is on your mind and be a little more honest with yourself.
I have also been keeping up with Duncan's blog. He's the only gay guy in the group. He's really in touch with himself and calls out the other participants causing them to think and digest this whole experience. He talks after the experience on how each of them went into this experience wanting to tacle their problem and not fall prey to reality tv.
There is a moment when he discusses how sex habits among gay men are pretty standard if you were to talk about sleeping around, kissing or remaining friends soon after sexual encounters. Furthermore, there is so much intolerance in the world and it's flushed in our faces everyday, that gay men are constantly looking for comfort and security. Sex is the easiest way to fulfill that. Since there is a label that all gay men sleep around and are very sexual, this becomes a given standard of how to live a gay life. Unfortunately people, including myself, fall for someone and trust that they can support and take care of them.
Is this sex addiction. It's a question posed on the show. To what degree is it flirtation or normal carnal embrace? What is normal carnal embrace?
Do I have a sex addiction? After watching the show I can say no. Do I feel the need for comfort and companionship. Hell yes. Who doesn't? The trick is, at least looking at why I really got this, is to be your own hero. When you get to a point in your life when you are very stressed, impacted by work, school, family, friends, you must rely on your own heart. You must trust that you will make it through your rough passage and continue to hope that life will get back on a better path.
It's so each to trust and fall into the arms of a hero.
It has taken me a week to really digest this problem. I can't believe I have a slight fear of writing my feelings down the day I have them. Instead I waited.
Duncan wrote in his blog that his brother and mother will see his blog. He is scared of expressing his honesty. He's scared of being shunned. What can you do but say what is on your mind and be a little more honest with yourself.
Day 81: Dream
I had a dream of my mom sitting at a table and she says something that insults me. I tell her exactly what I have wanted to say all week.
"I need you. I need you to recognize that you simply being in my life, being present at key moments and possibly having a plan that doesn't involve me always making is so important to me. I need to now that disclosing this disease to you means that when I need you the most but can't say it, that you will pick up my sadness and just call me, just wish me hope, just send me a moment of love."
In my dreams she cries. In my dream she recognizes. In my dream I drill it in and make her cry further.
My head hurts. My eye twitches. I have all these emotions vented up and they are ready to burst.
"I need you. I need you to recognize that you simply being in my life, being present at key moments and possibly having a plan that doesn't involve me always making is so important to me. I need to now that disclosing this disease to you means that when I need you the most but can't say it, that you will pick up my sadness and just call me, just wish me hope, just send me a moment of love."
In my dreams she cries. In my dream she recognizes. In my dream I drill it in and make her cry further.
My head hurts. My eye twitches. I have all these emotions vented up and they are ready to burst.
Day 80: Counseling Fridays!
It's Friday.
I was validated with my choice and reasoning for being angry at my parents from my therapist. I also found it so funny that I can actually be mature at the right choice moments.
I didn't tell my parents when I was mad. I knew it would really drill into them that I was hurt and I would feel satisfaction in making them cry only because I was hurt. I really don't want that but - you know there is that part of you that just wants to show how hurt you were by making someone hurt with you?
I want that sometimes. Like when the guy on the freeway cuts you off, so you get in front of them and turn on your windshield wiper fluid. Or the person in line cuts in front of you and you say "excuse me but did you see the line?"
Excuse me - did you see I needed support?
I guess we can't all be psychic. Lesson learned.
If you want to get what you want you need to simply ask for it. Be direct. You may not get it but you aren't dicking around. People understand what you need and will either get mad or figure out how to get it for you. Or just tell you no.
I hate being told I can't do something. I know that it's possible, I know that our lives would be better if I am happier!
No Paul no!
I was validated with my choice and reasoning for being angry at my parents from my therapist. I also found it so funny that I can actually be mature at the right choice moments.
I didn't tell my parents when I was mad. I knew it would really drill into them that I was hurt and I would feel satisfaction in making them cry only because I was hurt. I really don't want that but - you know there is that part of you that just wants to show how hurt you were by making someone hurt with you?
I want that sometimes. Like when the guy on the freeway cuts you off, so you get in front of them and turn on your windshield wiper fluid. Or the person in line cuts in front of you and you say "excuse me but did you see the line?"
Excuse me - did you see I needed support?
I guess we can't all be psychic. Lesson learned.
If you want to get what you want you need to simply ask for it. Be direct. You may not get it but you aren't dicking around. People understand what you need and will either get mad or figure out how to get it for you. Or just tell you no.
I hate being told I can't do something. I know that it's possible, I know that our lives would be better if I am happier!
No Paul no!
Day 79: Ukulele Heaven
My friend Ben came in town. We sat on the couch and jammed with my guitar and Ukulele. Why do college moments have to stop?
Do you remember when your friends would gather for late night shenanigans? Music jams, chorizo and eggs, shots, movies, deviant behavior, grocery shopping in pj's, sushi, simple happy activities?
Do you remember when your friends would gather for late night shenanigans? Music jams, chorizo and eggs, shots, movies, deviant behavior, grocery shopping in pj's, sushi, simple happy activities?
Day 78: Chocolate Moonlit Beach
I went for a walk on the beach tonight. I spent the evening at the Hotel Del. I sipped hot chocolate and sat on the edge of the beach listening to the sounds of the shore and holiday tunes.
The moon was full and is continuing to beam down the bright reflections of the sun. The waves are refracting the light on the white tips. They ride to shore to their final destination.
I don't get out enough to enjoy these moments. Why? What's my excuse for this?
The moon was full and is continuing to beam down the bright reflections of the sun. The waves are refracting the light on the white tips. They ride to shore to their final destination.
I don't get out enough to enjoy these moments. Why? What's my excuse for this?
Day 77: Eye Twitch
My eye is twitching. It twitches when I am stressed. I'm not talking about final stressed or financial stressed - we're talking about a combination of physical, emotional and social stress. I am stressed to communicate with my parents without being angry. I am stressed about possibly finding a new job closer to my house so that I can support my sister. I am stressed that the quarter is coming to a close and my duties as advisor are lagging. I am stressed with this recording session and the quality of the sound.
Oh and add in the financial stress and home life - reorder, reorganizing, and finding peace and centering.
I need to run more.
Oh and add in the financial stress and home life - reorder, reorganizing, and finding peace and centering.
I need to run more.
Day 76: Frustration and Decongestion
I was mad the rest of Sunday and today.
There are rare moments when I can’t deal with frustrations and so I shut down. I really do it in the most polite way possible. My roommate attempted to cheer me up and I told him to back off. I didn’t plan on sharing any of my frustrations and that meant I didn’t want anyone to ask. It wasn’t that I wanted to vent, it was more that I wanted to decompress on my own terms and find the core of the problem.
Through friends and some searching I came to the conclusion that no matter what my parents could give me monetarily, I didn’t want that. I wanted them to be present.
The only way to achieve this is to tell them directly.
I think I was scared to tell them they disappointed me. For all the support they have given, I feel like telling them that they let me down would be a selfish thing.
There are rare moments when I can’t deal with frustrations and so I shut down. I really do it in the most polite way possible. My roommate attempted to cheer me up and I told him to back off. I didn’t plan on sharing any of my frustrations and that meant I didn’t want anyone to ask. It wasn’t that I wanted to vent, it was more that I wanted to decompress on my own terms and find the core of the problem.
Through friends and some searching I came to the conclusion that no matter what my parents could give me monetarily, I didn’t want that. I wanted them to be present.
The only way to achieve this is to tell them directly.
I think I was scared to tell them they disappointed me. For all the support they have given, I feel like telling them that they let me down would be a selfish thing.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Day 75: Departure
It's 10 am. My parents are gone. My suggestions of going to the tea shop or hanging out until the afternoon were diminished when my parents said that it would be easier to head up to my aunt's house now.
I didn't say it. I wanted the comfort of my parents being here, but as usual there are curve balls thrown.
I don't want to be like my grandfather who complains of his problems and makes others assist him. I don't want to be like my mother who complains about her plantar fasciitis and bone spur as to the reason why we can't part a block away from somewhere and yet we can walk all over to shop. I'm tired of excuses, and yet some how I talked myself into many excuses for not telling my parents.
It's pretty fucking hard.
What's my excuse now?
I need to make breakfast. I'm hungry.
I didn't say it. I wanted the comfort of my parents being here, but as usual there are curve balls thrown.
I don't want to be like my grandfather who complains of his problems and makes others assist him. I don't want to be like my mother who complains about her plantar fasciitis and bone spur as to the reason why we can't part a block away from somewhere and yet we can walk all over to shop. I'm tired of excuses, and yet some how I talked myself into many excuses for not telling my parents.
It's pretty fucking hard.
What's my excuse now?
I need to make breakfast. I'm hungry.
Day 74: Birthday Eve
I had a very long day of waiting, again. My aunt planned a baby shower for my cousin today. She announced it a few days ago. Party to start at noon. Parents to return around 4pm. Talk about HIV. Go to dinner around 6pm. Meet up with friends at my house around 9pm. Head to Ortegas for late night happy hour at 10pm.
My parents called me at 6:30 pm letting me know they were just leaving. They suggested I go out with my friends as it was getting late.
Why is it that when I rely on my family to surprise me for my birthday, to do something special, to maybe just have something available it never happens.
I wanted to tell them with plenty of time to process. I wanted this to be my time to tell them. I wanted it to be easy, smooth, the right time. I got very frustrated when my parents came home and said they would give me money and I could go out without them. I wanted my family and friends to be available for me to ring in the new year. My mom and dad complained for a while about how late it was, which is funny because my mom drunk dialed on Halloween as she returned from a party at 2:45 am.
The night out was great. When friends showed up and we gathered for margaritas I really really enjoyed myself. We returned home and I hugged my parents. They are leaving Monday morning but they think it would be better to head up to my aunt's house (30 miles north) to get a better start on the drive.
I passed out on the couch. Intoxicated but very conscious.
My parents called me at 6:30 pm letting me know they were just leaving. They suggested I go out with my friends as it was getting late.
Why is it that when I rely on my family to surprise me for my birthday, to do something special, to maybe just have something available it never happens.
I wanted to tell them with plenty of time to process. I wanted this to be my time to tell them. I wanted it to be easy, smooth, the right time. I got very frustrated when my parents came home and said they would give me money and I could go out without them. I wanted my family and friends to be available for me to ring in the new year. My mom and dad complained for a while about how late it was, which is funny because my mom drunk dialed on Halloween as she returned from a party at 2:45 am.
The night out was great. When friends showed up and we gathered for margaritas I really really enjoyed myself. We returned home and I hugged my parents. They are leaving Monday morning but they think it would be better to head up to my aunt's house (30 miles north) to get a better start on the drive.
I passed out on the couch. Intoxicated but very conscious.
Day 73: Waiting
My parents drove to my sister's house and are sitting drinking coffee waiting for her to go to the gym and come back then shower and get ready to go to breakfast. Oh did I mention it's 10am?
My parents and I are looking at each other as to why we are sitting here waiting here when we could have waited at my house.
Waiting for siblings. Waiting for others. I hate waiting when I have something to say or do.
My parents and I are looking at each other as to why we are sitting here waiting here when we could have waited at my house.
Waiting for siblings. Waiting for others. I hate waiting when I have something to say or do.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Day 72: Pool and Football
It's Thanksgiving and as usual my family spends their time eating and watching football. I wouldn't mind that except that's it. Lack of conversation or focus on each other, football, meat, pie and sleep by 9pm.
I am sure many families do this over and over and over again. I just want something more out of it. This year I got it.
After eating dinner outdoors on the patio everyone ended up in the family room this year which had a table to play games at and a pool table. Those not playing pool were playing Apples to Apples Junior edition (which I could still distort with clues like "hot tub"). My grandparents were in the living room watching Fox news (They got bored with the football game). My uncle kept checking the game on his Iphone, updating the score for everyone. For once everyone participated and enjoyed the football game. Maybe technology and the internet are good for something.
I went home and slept. Apparently I am allergic to cats!
I am sure many families do this over and over and over again. I just want something more out of it. This year I got it.
After eating dinner outdoors on the patio everyone ended up in the family room this year which had a table to play games at and a pool table. Those not playing pool were playing Apples to Apples Junior edition (which I could still distort with clues like "hot tub"). My grandparents were in the living room watching Fox news (They got bored with the football game). My uncle kept checking the game on his Iphone, updating the score for everyone. For once everyone participated and enjoyed the football game. Maybe technology and the internet are good for something.
I went home and slept. Apparently I am allergic to cats!
Day 71: Cleaning Madness
* My parents have an arrival time of 3am so it should be plenty of time to clean up the house.
* OK so maybe that 2 hour nap didn't help.
* So I have 5 hours to clean up - no problem. Lucky for me I want to clean and organize instead of clean and stuff!
* It's later in the night, my parents are driving through LA - it's time to clean and stuff. Everything in the office! Everything in boxes. Time to stack things. Time to hide the disorder!
* They are here! 3:30 am - Time for bed.
* OK so maybe that 2 hour nap didn't help.
* So I have 5 hours to clean up - no problem. Lucky for me I want to clean and organize instead of clean and stuff!
* It's later in the night, my parents are driving through LA - it's time to clean and stuff. Everything in the office! Everything in boxes. Time to stack things. Time to hide the disorder!
* They are here! 3:30 am - Time for bed.
Day 70: Margaritas
I had thoughts about not going to rehearsal tonight. I wanted to go home and clean the bathroom, something that should have been done by yesterday. I wanted to get my house ready for my parents. Instead I chose to head to the pub and spend some time with friends who I haven't sat down with for a while.
We all headed to rehearsal and then afterward to Ortegas for late night margaritas. I was tired going there as well. After everyone left and I was tucked in bed I knew that I have to remember my own responsibilities as a friend. I have to remember how I can make a difference when I am happy and motivated and how good it makes me feel in return.
We all headed to rehearsal and then afterward to Ortegas for late night margaritas. I was tired going there as well. After everyone left and I was tucked in bed I knew that I have to remember my own responsibilities as a friend. I have to remember how I can make a difference when I am happy and motivated and how good it makes me feel in return.
Day 69: Yay we all win!
It's day 69! Need I say more?
I had a therapy session tonight and spent the entire time discussing my frustrations. I have spent a lot of time trying to manage my anxiety, figuring out how to handle myself during frustrating situations. It's a very difficult process and although we might think our lives are managed in a fairly "normal" rate, really we spend a lot of time ignoring or covering up our bad habits with compulsive behavior.
We become so comfortable in out behaviors that seem so natural that they become easy comforting habits, however they hold us back from becoming the best person we can be or stepping up to the next plateau.
What it comes down to is this. Fix yourself so you can be there for others. If you leave yourself broken, then all that is left for others is a part of you that is happy and a part of you that is broken.
It is a chore for your soul to express the broken part to others and to have them receive this part.
What are the signs of being broken?
Financial imbalance
Self image problems
Searching for organization or lack there of
Always in a rush or tardiness
Lack of concentration
No time for yourself
Walking with a limp
Unable to communicate your needs
Lack of expression
How did I deal with it?
Patience
Recognition
Honesty
Support
Action
Of course I did this with time. I did this with the expectations that it would take me time but I gave myself flexible due dates to make it happen.
I had a therapy session tonight and spent the entire time discussing my frustrations. I have spent a lot of time trying to manage my anxiety, figuring out how to handle myself during frustrating situations. It's a very difficult process and although we might think our lives are managed in a fairly "normal" rate, really we spend a lot of time ignoring or covering up our bad habits with compulsive behavior.
We become so comfortable in out behaviors that seem so natural that they become easy comforting habits, however they hold us back from becoming the best person we can be or stepping up to the next plateau.
What it comes down to is this. Fix yourself so you can be there for others. If you leave yourself broken, then all that is left for others is a part of you that is happy and a part of you that is broken.
It is a chore for your soul to express the broken part to others and to have them receive this part.
What are the signs of being broken?
Financial imbalance
Self image problems
Searching for organization or lack there of
Always in a rush or tardiness
Lack of concentration
No time for yourself
Walking with a limp
Unable to communicate your needs
Lack of expression
How did I deal with it?
Patience
Recognition
Honesty
Support
Action
Of course I did this with time. I did this with the expectations that it would take me time but I gave myself flexible due dates to make it happen.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Day 68: It's Time
I was driving home thinking.
I know why I haven't told my parents.
I want them to be with me when I tell them.
Can you imagine how your voice and tears sound on the phone? When you see that in person it's a whole different experience. This is it. I need them in front of me. I need to show them in person how I feel so they can react. I need those hugs. I need to show them with my hands, with my smile and with my heart that I will be ok.
I am going to do it this week. They arrive on Wednesday and I will do it after Thanksgiving. I will do it after the rush of being with family has passed. I will do it so my mother doesn't have to spend the holiday with family ready to defend me. I won't make her feel like I have done something other families would never do.
I know that this will take time to sink in and the night before Thanksgiving is probably not the best night. However black Friday is probably the best day. At least I can tell them and explain to them nothing is more comforting than Macy's after thanksgiving day sale.
I know why I haven't told my parents.
I want them to be with me when I tell them.
Can you imagine how your voice and tears sound on the phone? When you see that in person it's a whole different experience. This is it. I need them in front of me. I need to show them in person how I feel so they can react. I need those hugs. I need to show them with my hands, with my smile and with my heart that I will be ok.
I am going to do it this week. They arrive on Wednesday and I will do it after Thanksgiving. I will do it after the rush of being with family has passed. I will do it so my mother doesn't have to spend the holiday with family ready to defend me. I won't make her feel like I have done something other families would never do.
I know that this will take time to sink in and the night before Thanksgiving is probably not the best night. However black Friday is probably the best day. At least I can tell them and explain to them nothing is more comforting than Macy's after thanksgiving day sale.
Day 67: Cleaning Frenzy
I've been cleaning and cooking all day. I find myself focused in organization, something I have lost track of. I feel slightly obsessive over this. Is that a good thing? I feel like my life is unfolding once again. When I turned 20 and was at Davis, I felt like I was ending a chapter in my life and starting a new one. I felt another chapter begin last year. With each section, my mind, thoughts, feelings are modified, ever changing but retaining core values of happiness I cherished as a kid. I want to be as happy as I was hanging upside down on the monkey bars. When are we ever that content and happy?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Day 66: Standard Deviation
My therapist told me I was more than two standard deviations away from the norm on the happy and healthy side. She used a bell curve to describe how I was handling this. I thought this was very appropriate since secretly I am a math geek. In 11th grade I wrote out pascal's triangle in roman numerals to the 15th line just to call out a dare from my teacher.
I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the house. My parents are coming next week and I want the place to look great. I also want the place to look great because I want it to be organized. It's been a little at a time. I am organizing a tiny bit, keeping a better grasp on life and throwing out excess crap in my life as soon as possible.
Layer after layer, stripping down until you find the core of the problem and solve it. After you figure out the problem you reorganize the core so that you don't have to strip down so many layers.
I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the house. My parents are coming next week and I want the place to look great. I also want the place to look great because I want it to be organized. It's been a little at a time. I am organizing a tiny bit, keeping a better grasp on life and throwing out excess crap in my life as soon as possible.
Layer after layer, stripping down until you find the core of the problem and solve it. After you figure out the problem you reorganize the core so that you don't have to strip down so many layers.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Day 65: Life Is Better With Bacon
I cooked dinner last night. I wouldn't call it my best overall dinner. The excuse, I didn't have all the ingredients I would have liked to have in the kitchen and I changed my mind with what I was going to fix.
The crowning moment of the night were yams. I sliced them in half and faced the inside up. I cut up raw bacon and put it on top. I added blue cheese, ginger powder, syrup and walnut oil. In the base of the pan I put in some brewed chai tea. I baked these along side spaghetti squash prepared the same way.
What came out was a bite that caused mouth orgasms.
It wasn't until recently that I started to cook once again and I miss it. I miss creating something that can satiate the mind, mouth and body. Why did I stop?
The crowning moment of the night were yams. I sliced them in half and faced the inside up. I cut up raw bacon and put it on top. I added blue cheese, ginger powder, syrup and walnut oil. In the base of the pan I put in some brewed chai tea. I baked these along side spaghetti squash prepared the same way.
What came out was a bite that caused mouth orgasms.
It wasn't until recently that I started to cook once again and I miss it. I miss creating something that can satiate the mind, mouth and body. Why did I stop?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day 64: PDT - Princess Dennis de la Testes
My coworker found a lost dog. I took the little critter home and sheltered her for the night. I had her in my gym bag, with the top open, on my lap on the shuttle home. It was cute. I thought to myself "Do I need a dog?" The answer is yes, however, I don't need one of my own at the moment. I'm still not ready for the fatherly responsibilities. I don't think I want someone clinging on to me every moment.
She (named Princess [insert the name of the straight male in close proximity here]) and I watched Glee and enjoyed a warm slumber.
I enjoyed looking after her for the night, but as much as I want a dog, at the moment I want myself. I want to find more of myself before I can continue to take care of something so cute.
She (named Princess [insert the name of the straight male in close proximity here]) and I watched Glee and enjoyed a warm slumber.
I enjoyed looking after her for the night, but as much as I want a dog, at the moment I want myself. I want to find more of myself before I can continue to take care of something so cute.
Day 63: Sushi and HIV
I was at dinner with my friend and I was answering all his questions about me and HIV during dinner. Yes I know I am not supposed to have sushi but it's soooo good!
It's hard to discuss HIV without feeling self conscious or concerned with judgment. I did it. And I think I know why I felt fine. I am done judging myself. I am done with the results of others judging me. I know what is in my heart and how I think. If other people are uncomfortable with life then it's probably because they are fearful or misinformed. I guess there is a time to not speak out, a crowd to keep your distance, but there is a life we are living and a freedom granted to us so we are comfortable with ourselves.
People say I am strong. I am not strong, maybe a little naive and oblivious, maybe a little brave. Or maybe I just don't care about those that hate what I have because I know I have lots of people who love me no matter what. I have the support group to fall back on. Even if I am down to just myself in this world, at least I know that I will love myself.
It's hard to discuss HIV without feeling self conscious or concerned with judgment. I did it. And I think I know why I felt fine. I am done judging myself. I am done with the results of others judging me. I know what is in my heart and how I think. If other people are uncomfortable with life then it's probably because they are fearful or misinformed. I guess there is a time to not speak out, a crowd to keep your distance, but there is a life we are living and a freedom granted to us so we are comfortable with ourselves.
People say I am strong. I am not strong, maybe a little naive and oblivious, maybe a little brave. Or maybe I just don't care about those that hate what I have because I know I have lots of people who love me no matter what. I have the support group to fall back on. Even if I am down to just myself in this world, at least I know that I will love myself.
Day 62: Post-Race Precautions & Lab Results
I woke up a little sore from the race. I realized my immune system is probably very low. If I were to encounter many sick people I might not react well.
Good news! My viral load has dropped from 200 to 134! My T-cell level is up to 538. I realize I have been treating myself well and I think that has paid off. I will take another set of blood tests in the beginning of January. I am so excited because my body is really doing well with this and I know that I am treating myself well and it's having a greater effect on my system.
Keep up the happiness and laughter.
Good news! My viral load has dropped from 200 to 134! My T-cell level is up to 538. I realize I have been treating myself well and I think that has paid off. I will take another set of blood tests in the beginning of January. I am so excited because my body is really doing well with this and I know that I am treating myself well and it's having a greater effect on my system.
Keep up the happiness and laughter.
Day 61: Race Day
Race Day: It's been a long day. You have to go to bed early to get up super early to wait forever and then you spend a few hours running and walking and recovering from the trauma you put on your body.
I found myself sore and tired by mile 3. Go figure when you don't put in the real half marathon training and run at most 6 miles in the last month! I remember being on the course and being far behind from the front and closer to the end. I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't be last and even if I was at least I was starting this again.
I was on the course and there were a few women missing a leg, who were running the course. Talk about inspiring. I had a dream that I wasn't aloud to run a half marathon because I was disabled and had HIV. I woke up thinking how bogus is that. During the race I thought how bogus am I. I should be training, I should be running, I should be exercising to a higher capacity. Then again, I just found out that I was HIV positive 60 days ago!
The Pal went home again and I made him cry. This weekend marked 3 months since we met, since things progressed, since ripples would happen. We officially broke the relationship off this weekend. I am not thrilled but I do know the reality of life. Long distances are tough, diseases create barriers, and attention must be paid to yourself before you can give it to others. I feel like I have personally grown from this entire process - this relationship. Perhaps I have stepped up to a new plateau of self respect. Isn't that the point of disease?
I took him to the airport and spent the rest of the night making dinner with my friends. How wonderful it is to make dinner with friends. Although we were recovering from endless mimosa brunch and lacked our normal energy levels, I really felt safe and secure knowing I have people with my best interest at hand.
It's great to have friends. It makes me sad to know all the people that get afflicted with a disease might not have a friend network like mine. I guess when you make happiness and joy your guide it pays off in the most terrifying times in your life.
I found myself sore and tired by mile 3. Go figure when you don't put in the real half marathon training and run at most 6 miles in the last month! I remember being on the course and being far behind from the front and closer to the end. I didn't care. I knew I wouldn't be last and even if I was at least I was starting this again.
I was on the course and there were a few women missing a leg, who were running the course. Talk about inspiring. I had a dream that I wasn't aloud to run a half marathon because I was disabled and had HIV. I woke up thinking how bogus is that. During the race I thought how bogus am I. I should be training, I should be running, I should be exercising to a higher capacity. Then again, I just found out that I was HIV positive 60 days ago!
The Pal went home again and I made him cry. This weekend marked 3 months since we met, since things progressed, since ripples would happen. We officially broke the relationship off this weekend. I am not thrilled but I do know the reality of life. Long distances are tough, diseases create barriers, and attention must be paid to yourself before you can give it to others. I feel like I have personally grown from this entire process - this relationship. Perhaps I have stepped up to a new plateau of self respect. Isn't that the point of disease?
I took him to the airport and spent the rest of the night making dinner with my friends. How wonderful it is to make dinner with friends. Although we were recovering from endless mimosa brunch and lacked our normal energy levels, I really felt safe and secure knowing I have people with my best interest at hand.
It's great to have friends. It makes me sad to know all the people that get afflicted with a disease might not have a friend network like mine. I guess when you make happiness and joy your guide it pays off in the most terrifying times in your life.
Day 60: Race Expos
I spent the morning at the half marathon race expo, Roadrunner Sports and REI. It was so nice to feel the energy of the run. Race day is so exciting. The race expo is even better. You get to feel the excitement of the race, see the other people who will join you and get a bag of free crap!
Going to each place I felt so thrilled I had decided to pick up running again. Perhaps it was the excuse to go shopping or maybe the energy of all the people.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the Pal. We ended up going to Trader Joes and getting supplies to fix a nice dinner. I didn't tell my parents. My sister was a little nervous about having them find out before her school semester ends. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? Maybe next year? I don't know. I am not going to worry because I have lamb to eat and pecan pie.
Going to each place I felt so thrilled I had decided to pick up running again. Perhaps it was the excuse to go shopping or maybe the energy of all the people.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the Pal. We ended up going to Trader Joes and getting supplies to fix a nice dinner. I didn't tell my parents. My sister was a little nervous about having them find out before her school semester ends. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe next week? Maybe next year? I don't know. I am not going to worry because I have lamb to eat and pecan pie.
Day 59: Churnin' Butter Milkin' Cows
Today I rushed home from work, had 30 seconds to kiss the Pal, change into rustic Americana harvest clothing and sing some Copland. It was a long night of adventure. The Pal is back in town. It was so nice to be working and to know that there is someone waiting at home. I only wished it would last longer. At least I have a weekend to enjoy it. I have a moment and I will remember to let myself be in that moment and enjoy the moment so that after the moment has past I will have a fond moment to remember.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 58: Pal is Back
So the Pal is coming tonight so we can both run a half marathon on Sunday. I really am having a hard time telling my parents. My Pal offered to be support to me and to basically tell me "Stop being a pussy bitch!" Cause really that's what I am doing. Delaying the situation and therefore letting fear win.
No more pussy bitch. No more fear.
No more pussy bitch. No more fear.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day 57: Two Months; New Doctor
Today marks two months today since I found out I have HIV. I saw my new HMO doctor today. His first call was to start medication right away, although when I told him my numbers he asked me to repeat them because he thought they were wrong, since it's rare to have someone with numbers like that.
I told him that I have done my homework and I don't want to start medication just yet. I want to see how my body will react to this disease through self-care. I suggested that I get tested every 2 months for now so that we can see how my viral load will be and we can establish a baseline. He thought that was a good plan, not his usual nerdy thing, but a something that was thought out and something he was definitely willing to work with.
He said to do some research in the medications and my response was that I will, although now I am too overloaded and that's something that I need time for.
So I talked to my dad on the phone. I couldn't say it. I just liked hearing him talk about what's going on in his life that I just couldn't bring it up. Should I call him back or wait for the weekend?
I told him that I have done my homework and I don't want to start medication just yet. I want to see how my body will react to this disease through self-care. I suggested that I get tested every 2 months for now so that we can see how my viral load will be and we can establish a baseline. He thought that was a good plan, not his usual nerdy thing, but a something that was thought out and something he was definitely willing to work with.
He said to do some research in the medications and my response was that I will, although now I am too overloaded and that's something that I need time for.
So I talked to my dad on the phone. I couldn't say it. I just liked hearing him talk about what's going on in his life that I just couldn't bring it up. Should I call him back or wait for the weekend?
Day 56: Friends are Fun
I spent the evening drinking and eating with friends. I think in a matter of 6 hours I brought up hiv once which means I don't think about it quite as often, which means I am not so isolated and self conscious about having it. Now I just have to tell my parents.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Day 55: Giving Yourself The Gift of Happiness
I went for a massage today. He asked me what is hurting. I told him nothing was, except that I was a little stressed. At the moment I have a couple of people who are in situations where they are overloaded and not sure what to do. At times I can handle people telling me their problems, so much as they deal with them. At the moment I am overloaded with requests. This is not to say I don't want to hear them, I just want to see steps taken to deconstruct the problem and tackle it.
I am really happy with myself. People see how happy and well I am doing. It's was never easy to get to this point, and for my friends who are unhappy, it takes work, facing your fears, faltering and finally doing something small to change yourself for the better. Simple steps are all you need to do. Just don't criticize your self or others and don't hold it inside. Find a way to release and to get rid of the built up tension. Find a way to release that makes you happy.
My massage is one of those simple steps. I would rather not do social activities but instead give myself time to regroup. Letting my self go.
2 hours of not thinking. 2 hours of letting someone beat my body from head to toe. 2 hours I give to my body to lay in peace.
I came home after the massage, drank some water, went to bed and had a wonderful night of sleep.
I am really happy with myself. People see how happy and well I am doing. It's was never easy to get to this point, and for my friends who are unhappy, it takes work, facing your fears, faltering and finally doing something small to change yourself for the better. Simple steps are all you need to do. Just don't criticize your self or others and don't hold it inside. Find a way to release and to get rid of the built up tension. Find a way to release that makes you happy.
My massage is one of those simple steps. I would rather not do social activities but instead give myself time to regroup. Letting my self go.
2 hours of not thinking. 2 hours of letting someone beat my body from head to toe. 2 hours I give to my body to lay in peace.
I came home after the massage, drank some water, went to bed and had a wonderful night of sleep.
Day 54: Deadlines
So I set Sunday as my deadline to tell my parents. I ended up driving to the beach and just thinking.
Do you ever go to the beach late at night to watch the moon set? I remember at midnight on my first birthday in San Diego I went to the beach, alone, not knowing anyone down here, and I spent the moments turning another year older watching the moon hit the waves.
I did that again.
I thought.
I dreamed.
I sighed.
Do you ever go to the beach late at night to watch the moon set? I remember at midnight on my first birthday in San Diego I went to the beach, alone, not knowing anyone down here, and I spent the moments turning another year older watching the moon hit the waves.
I did that again.
I thought.
I dreamed.
I sighed.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Day 53: Coffee and the 80's
I have chatted with a few people online who have HIV. I have met a couple of them. I went for coffee for one today out of curiosity. He was diagnosed in 1991 and I wanted to know what it was like to be diagnosed then and to be still here now.
I can pretty much describe the experience as pretty much being like every movie involving HIV except for when on departure he really paused and said things are going to be alright for me. He started to tear up as he passed on advise about living with HIV. I could see in those short moments of tears all the fear, burden, trauma and solitude for the last 18 years of living with this. I could see a little guilt having never been sick or close to death. I could hear the quivers in his voice as he wanted to reassure me that I was going to be fine.
He said "I wish my diagnosis was now instead of back then, but I can't go back. You are very lucky because you don't have to worry. You don't have the anxiety built up surrounding the illness, deterioration, medications and death."
He noted that all I have to do is make sure I am checked every 3 months, stay healthy and take my medications. I corrected him and said medication singular. He confirmed now taking one pill a day.
I can only imagine how isolated people get and how much more lonely they are when diagnosed years ago.
With any disease, with any movement, there are people who have sacrificed a huge ordeal so that many people can now live our lives without the circus. Are we shocked with jungle fevuh couples? Do we laud women for getting out of the kitchen and wearing shoes? Homosexuals have parades and festivals that heterosexual children, couples and friends support - do we question their safety? Oprah can say breast, cancer and vibrator on national television but who discourages people from watching Oprah holding up a vibrator or talking about Christina Applegate's breasts? Hell no!
I can pretty much describe the experience as pretty much being like every movie involving HIV except for when on departure he really paused and said things are going to be alright for me. He started to tear up as he passed on advise about living with HIV. I could see in those short moments of tears all the fear, burden, trauma and solitude for the last 18 years of living with this. I could see a little guilt having never been sick or close to death. I could hear the quivers in his voice as he wanted to reassure me that I was going to be fine.
He said "I wish my diagnosis was now instead of back then, but I can't go back. You are very lucky because you don't have to worry. You don't have the anxiety built up surrounding the illness, deterioration, medications and death."
He noted that all I have to do is make sure I am checked every 3 months, stay healthy and take my medications. I corrected him and said medication singular. He confirmed now taking one pill a day.
I can only imagine how isolated people get and how much more lonely they are when diagnosed years ago.
With any disease, with any movement, there are people who have sacrificed a huge ordeal so that many people can now live our lives without the circus. Are we shocked with jungle fevuh couples? Do we laud women for getting out of the kitchen and wearing shoes? Homosexuals have parades and festivals that heterosexual children, couples and friends support - do we question their safety? Oprah can say breast, cancer and vibrator on national television but who discourages people from watching Oprah holding up a vibrator or talking about Christina Applegate's breasts? Hell no!
Day 52: Coming To My Own
It's therapy Friday! I come to therapy and am so excited. It's my weekly check to know that I am doing well. I think that I am good with myself and don't need therapy, but it feels great to come in each week and remind me on my time.
They say it takes about 3-6 months to break a bad habit by replacing it with something better. I think having a reminder each week of how well I am and how much good I am doing for me is a great way to jump start my happiness, and let it last the rest of my life.
They say it takes about 3-6 months to break a bad habit by replacing it with something better. I think having a reminder each week of how well I am and how much good I am doing for me is a great way to jump start my happiness, and let it last the rest of my life.
Day 51: Friends Benefit from HIV
HIV isn't all bad. If you have a friend with HIV, you can use it as a trump card to help you with your career, school, and life.
Here are some ways to use HIV disclosure to help you.
1. Tell your professor and you can have exams delayed or skipped.
2. Tell your co-workers and you will get free coffee or lunch.
3. Tell your mother-in-law and she will fix comfort food and be nice.
4. Tell your date and they will comfort you or better yet, score!
5. Tell your pet. They will cuddle with you all night long.
Here are some ways to use HIV disclosure to help you.
1. Tell your professor and you can have exams delayed or skipped.
2. Tell your co-workers and you will get free coffee or lunch.
3. Tell your mother-in-law and she will fix comfort food and be nice.
4. Tell your date and they will comfort you or better yet, score!
5. Tell your pet. They will cuddle with you all night long.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day 50: Where Did This Wall Come From?
I was having such a great day. I had an excellent yoga class, I was turning around a lot of work, I even was snacking on healthy snacks all day. Around 3:45pm I hit a wall. Not literally! That same wall you hit during a marathon.
I stopped. I went for a walk. I regrouped. I allowed myself to take a break. Then I pushed through in a steady fashion. I opened up myself to receive news in a happier manner instead of letting exhaustion influence my answers.
I put focus on what will happen later in the evening. Later on I will have spicy 10 on the 1-10 scale of Thai Food. Spicy 10 yellow curry and drunken noodle. The thought of spicy 10 made me leap over the wall and broke it down.
I stopped. I went for a walk. I regrouped. I allowed myself to take a break. Then I pushed through in a steady fashion. I opened up myself to receive news in a happier manner instead of letting exhaustion influence my answers.
I put focus on what will happen later in the evening. Later on I will have spicy 10 on the 1-10 scale of Thai Food. Spicy 10 yellow curry and drunken noodle. The thought of spicy 10 made me leap over the wall and broke it down.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Day 49: Excuse Me!
I went for my physical today. It was my first. I really didn't know what to expect. I figured it would be fun since the lights went low and a disco ball came down.
The whole experience was so clinical. He didn't even buy me a drink!
I was disappointed that all the flu shots had been given out. The swine flu shot isn't ready yet. My doctor predicts that my reaction to the flu would be the same as if I didn't have HIV. Since my levels are both very low he reassured me that my health is going to help fight it off.
I was happy to learn that my virus is fucked. Every medication will work against it so really I just have to choose the easiest one and good bye!
My doctor said that I am really lucky because he has patients who are on medication and have higher viral loads than mine without.
Regular screenings, staying healthy, lowering stress levels, taking control of my well being - in general they really help in ways we could never understand.
The whole experience was so clinical. He didn't even buy me a drink!
I was disappointed that all the flu shots had been given out. The swine flu shot isn't ready yet. My doctor predicts that my reaction to the flu would be the same as if I didn't have HIV. Since my levels are both very low he reassured me that my health is going to help fight it off.
I was happy to learn that my virus is fucked. Every medication will work against it so really I just have to choose the easiest one and good bye!
My doctor said that I am really lucky because he has patients who are on medication and have higher viral loads than mine without.
Regular screenings, staying healthy, lowering stress levels, taking control of my well being - in general they really help in ways we could never understand.
Day 48: Nightmares
I slept way too much. I had a nightmare about telling my parents. Well I don't think it was Freddy scary, more of reality of what will happen. Tears, sadness, going through the the process of telling them. It's long and painful to relive each moment however I feel like I become a stronger person when I choose to cope, come to terms with an honest view point and proceed to live with a genuine smile on my face.
I wanted to tell them tonight however I came home grumpy and hungry. I don't want to be grumpy when I tell them. Is this an excuse to put it off?
I wanted to tell them tonight however I came home grumpy and hungry. I don't want to be grumpy when I tell them. Is this an excuse to put it off?
Day 47: Rest
I ate dim sum. I rehearsed with my chamber choir. I came home and I slept. I had so many things to take care of but I knew that listening to my body would be the best chore to take care of. I slept all day and night.
Sleep is a good thing.
Sleep is a good thing.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day 46: Halloweenie
I never really liked Halloween as a kid. I didn't like approaching people and asking them for something. I still have this problem. The other reason I didn't like the holiday was because I don't like American Chocolate so my sister and mom would get all the fruits from my laborious trek around the neighborhood.
In college I thought it was so cute to be an adult and have houses receptive to our cute costumes (most that involved horror, clever phrases, sex, alcohol or some sort of retro-childhood costume).
Now living near San Diego's homosexual oasis, Halloween is a great people watching night. It's also a great night for house parties. Forget the crappy candy, we're going to each sushi, drink alcohol and laugh, while in rediculous costumes about sex, clever phrases, zombies, and cool retro-childhood characters that only our generation would remember (Jem, He-man, Snorks).
I was Cupid. I spread my love.
In college I thought it was so cute to be an adult and have houses receptive to our cute costumes (most that involved horror, clever phrases, sex, alcohol or some sort of retro-childhood costume).
Now living near San Diego's homosexual oasis, Halloween is a great people watching night. It's also a great night for house parties. Forget the crappy candy, we're going to each sushi, drink alcohol and laugh, while in rediculous costumes about sex, clever phrases, zombies, and cool retro-childhood characters that only our generation would remember (Jem, He-man, Snorks).
I was Cupid. I spread my love.
Day 45: Trusting Again
We develop good and bad behaviors based upon the environment we adapt to or create. Sometimes we encounter people that have bad habits so we pick theirs up. Sometimes we find ourselves encouraged to fail and to figure out how not to fail the second time.
We have to trust those around us or find people we can trust. Failure means growth, if you want to view it that way.
If I tell someone about this, whether on a date, a friend or a family member I feel as though I am going to tell them I failed. Well. I failed myself. Now it's time to figure out how to make amends with this and move on.
It's Friday with the rapist (therapist).
I learned that I am pushing forward because I am facing the feeling of failure head on without fear. When you tae out the fear component, then failure doesn't hold such a negative connotation.
We have to trust those around us or find people we can trust. Failure means growth, if you want to view it that way.
If I tell someone about this, whether on a date, a friend or a family member I feel as though I am going to tell them I failed. Well. I failed myself. Now it's time to figure out how to make amends with this and move on.
It's Friday with the rapist (therapist).
I learned that I am pushing forward because I am facing the feeling of failure head on without fear. When you tae out the fear component, then failure doesn't hold such a negative connotation.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Day 44: Comforting the Mind, Body and Bedroom
Sensory overload. I can't think. Sparse thought; sporadic words. Food - no thanks. Hunger, sleepy, achy. I am not here. What? Oh I forgot. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. In a week.
STOP
I have been going to yoga more often. I thank myself for coming. I feel great that I can give my body time to release tension and minutes for my mind to rest.
I have used lavender oil to engage my sense of smell. I am happier when my office or home doesn't smell like sweaty socks. I am also happier when it doesn't smell like an inorganic chemically induced air freshener with flavors like "Sea Slumber" or "Summer's Eve."
I have programmed the heater, although it needs a little more adjusting, so that when I am at rest my body isn't struggling to heat itself like a bear in winter. I also programmed it to not be on all night and to turn back on an hour before I wake up. Last night I had a great night of sleep.
Keep the body happy and it will do wonders!
STOP
I have been going to yoga more often. I thank myself for coming. I feel great that I can give my body time to release tension and minutes for my mind to rest.
I have used lavender oil to engage my sense of smell. I am happier when my office or home doesn't smell like sweaty socks. I am also happier when it doesn't smell like an inorganic chemically induced air freshener with flavors like "Sea Slumber" or "Summer's Eve."
I have programmed the heater, although it needs a little more adjusting, so that when I am at rest my body isn't struggling to heat itself like a bear in winter. I also programmed it to not be on all night and to turn back on an hour before I wake up. Last night I had a great night of sleep.
Keep the body happy and it will do wonders!
Day 43: Another Tear Shed
I've talked to a couple more friends in the last two days about me. I have a lot of friends I respect and want to ensure me disclosing this doesn't mean we can't still make each other laugh, tell off-color jokes, or enjoy a thimble of port.
I cried on my friends shoulder last night. She said that I will be ok and I said I know. It's not the HIV that I feared. It was being your friend.
Tuesday I talked to my other friend and I told her that it's been amazing to have such wonderful friends. I start crying when I am reminded of all the things people have done, how many nachos I have consumed from Baja Betties, the hugs of support and the laughter.
I cry because I am happy. I cry because I can receive such a horrible thing and still feel love, support, friendship and self-love.
NOTE: So that all my readers don't fear I have changed into a "chick," spending my time watching soap operas and reading romance novels, I want to let you know that the tears happened but then I followed it up with alcohol and dirty jokes! I am the same PDT, just a little more happy!
I cried on my friends shoulder last night. She said that I will be ok and I said I know. It's not the HIV that I feared. It was being your friend.
Tuesday I talked to my other friend and I told her that it's been amazing to have such wonderful friends. I start crying when I am reminded of all the things people have done, how many nachos I have consumed from Baja Betties, the hugs of support and the laughter.
I cry because I am happy. I cry because I can receive such a horrible thing and still feel love, support, friendship and self-love.
NOTE: So that all my readers don't fear I have changed into a "chick," spending my time watching soap operas and reading romance novels, I want to let you know that the tears happened but then I followed it up with alcohol and dirty jokes! I am the same PDT, just a little more happy!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Day 42: It Could Be Worse
HIV is scary but it could be worse.
Ghosts are scary, leaches are scary, even shadows in dark creepy places are scary.
HIV is scary but at least HIV won't jump out from a bush or chase after you.
HIV is scary but it could be worse.
HIV is creepy but it could be worse.
Weird uncles are creepy, people uncomfortable with themselves are creepy, even farts are creepy as they linger in the air and suffocate the nose.
HIV is creepy but at least HIV won't leave a bad smell or make you feel ashamed to be living.
HIV is creepy but it could be worse.
HIV is disabling but it could be worse.
Missing a limb is disabling, Multiple Sclerosis is disabling, even erectile dysfunction is disabling when you can't get it up and your partner has been waiting weeks for your sex drive to emerge from darkness.
HIV is disabling but at least you can use preventive care and medications that don't complicate life to keep things under control.
HIV is disabling but it could be worse.
HIV is threatening but it could be worse.
Bigotry is threatening, intolerance is threatening, people who live by fear and reject education are threatening to anyone who isn't what society deems "normal."
HIV is threatening when you don't take responsibility and read about studies, research, precautionary steps to make it managable.
HIV is threatening but it could be worse.
HIV is deadly but it could be worse.
Seizures in grocery stores are deadly, drunk people driving vehicles are deadly, even cancer and heart disease are deadly to the skin, the heart, mind and soul.
HIV is deadly but it could be . . . wait a minute. HIV isn't deadly. HIV and AIDS do not kill people. People die from other complications that come after you decrease your health and happiness.
HIV isn't deadly as long as we live our lives in a healthy manner.
HIV isn't scary or creepy if you educate. HIV isn't disabling and threatening if you take preventive measures. HIV isn't deadly if you love yourself as much as your support network loves you in return.
Ghosts are scary, leaches are scary, even shadows in dark creepy places are scary.
HIV is scary but at least HIV won't jump out from a bush or chase after you.
HIV is scary but it could be worse.
HIV is creepy but it could be worse.
Weird uncles are creepy, people uncomfortable with themselves are creepy, even farts are creepy as they linger in the air and suffocate the nose.
HIV is creepy but at least HIV won't leave a bad smell or make you feel ashamed to be living.
HIV is creepy but it could be worse.
HIV is disabling but it could be worse.
Missing a limb is disabling, Multiple Sclerosis is disabling, even erectile dysfunction is disabling when you can't get it up and your partner has been waiting weeks for your sex drive to emerge from darkness.
HIV is disabling but at least you can use preventive care and medications that don't complicate life to keep things under control.
HIV is disabling but it could be worse.
HIV is threatening but it could be worse.
Bigotry is threatening, intolerance is threatening, people who live by fear and reject education are threatening to anyone who isn't what society deems "normal."
HIV is threatening when you don't take responsibility and read about studies, research, precautionary steps to make it managable.
HIV is threatening but it could be worse.
HIV is deadly but it could be worse.
Seizures in grocery stores are deadly, drunk people driving vehicles are deadly, even cancer and heart disease are deadly to the skin, the heart, mind and soul.
HIV is deadly but it could be . . . wait a minute. HIV isn't deadly. HIV and AIDS do not kill people. People die from other complications that come after you decrease your health and happiness.
HIV isn't deadly as long as we live our lives in a healthy manner.
HIV isn't scary or creepy if you educate. HIV isn't disabling and threatening if you take preventive measures. HIV isn't deadly if you love yourself as much as your support network loves you in return.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Day 41: Cleaning for Health
I have been spending the last few days cleaning my kitchen and living room. Not just cleaning but throwing excess items that I don't use in the trash. I cleaned out everything before putting things back. I also utilized space and kept room so not everything is packed away. It seems that once everything fits, there's no room for more!
I have been spending more time at work making sure I am organized over executing tasks. It takes a lot of work to stay organized and more work to keep it going.
Schedules, lists, planners, excel spreadsheets, iphones, what does it take to keep organized? That's more work right there. Figuring out what personality you are and what works best for you.
I want an assistant. Soeone to keep me on track. Since no one can fill the job description "Must be willing to volunteer time to keep my ass looking good" I guess I will have to do it.
NOTE: If you think my ass looks good then tell me. If not then lie and tell me several times!
I have been spending more time at work making sure I am organized over executing tasks. It takes a lot of work to stay organized and more work to keep it going.
Schedules, lists, planners, excel spreadsheets, iphones, what does it take to keep organized? That's more work right there. Figuring out what personality you are and what works best for you.
I want an assistant. Soeone to keep me on track. Since no one can fill the job description "Must be willing to volunteer time to keep my ass looking good" I guess I will have to do it.
NOTE: If you think my ass looks good then tell me. If not then lie and tell me several times!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Day 40: No Sushi? WTF!
Now that my immune system is suppressed I have to avoid raw foods. So that means no sushi! Fuck! This also means no honey, steak tartare, carpaccio, raw oysters and raw shrimp. I need to avoid eating left overs that have been in the fridge over two days and avoid undercooked meats and veggies with mold.
Is this all bad news?
Well in perspective I should be avoiding alcohol, sick people, things that cause allergies or anything that causes over exertion of the immune system.
In short I take a slightly greater chance of obtaining an illness when I eat these foods. One solution is to eat these in moderation and make sure to avoid them when I am sick. I should also make sure food is fresh.
Is avoiding them completely realistic?
As long as I can keep my immune system at a safe level then I can avoid Timmy the Tapeworm and Edna E. Coli!
I ate sushi last night. It was tasty.
Is this all bad news?
Well in perspective I should be avoiding alcohol, sick people, things that cause allergies or anything that causes over exertion of the immune system.
In short I take a slightly greater chance of obtaining an illness when I eat these foods. One solution is to eat these in moderation and make sure to avoid them when I am sick. I should also make sure food is fresh.
Is avoiding them completely realistic?
As long as I can keep my immune system at a safe level then I can avoid Timmy the Tapeworm and Edna E. Coli!
I ate sushi last night. It was tasty.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Day 39: Gay Days
I spent nine and a half hours today attending the San Diego Pride Leadership Academy. The entire day included presentations and ice breakers all involving leadership training in association with the events held all year that Pride San Diego sponsors. This includes volunteer events, walks, clubs and of course Pride.
Somehow I influenced the entire day! During the morning we went around and listed all the things that inspire us or we love about Pride. People talked about the community, the altruism, sense of inclusion, education. All of these were put on poster paper that was stuck to the wall for the entire day. When it came to me I said "I am really inspired how every year I look around and see the efforts people put into their hot underwear." Hot Underwear was put on the list. Every time a speaker came in they all made a comment about the Hot Underwear, to which everyone pointed to me!
In another activity we listed the things we feel are needed for good customer service. I read off the answers in my group which included the last one which I included - "Sexy voice." The leadership directors asked me about my sexy voice and for the rest of the day everyone asked about my sexy voice!
There was a lot of information and of the 18 participants, I caused laughter throughout the day even when I didn't say or do anything. I had a couple of people show off their hot underwear.
At the end of the training we all went around and said something we learned and something we would take with us. Each person held on to a piece of yarn from a ball and then threw the yarn to the next person. I heard one memory after another. I just didn't feel like I had anything that I really felt so wonderful about. There were some really good techniques I picked up but I couldn't think of anything specific. I was second to last picked. When I was thrown the ball of yarn I understood what I took from this experience. I looked at everyone and basically said that after thinking about the entire day it was really a great opportunity to have all these people come speak who were all part of the GLBT community. It was a great opportunity and resource to have for us. It also was great because I felt that the activities and everything we didn't wasn't just about being gay or part of the GLBT community. It made me feel like everything we did was completely normal. This included every speaker talking about their partners (spouses for those that are part of the many in California that did manage to get a wedding license) to jokes about having "gay" disabilities. For once I didn't feel like being gay meant being abnormal.
Somehow I influenced the entire day! During the morning we went around and listed all the things that inspire us or we love about Pride. People talked about the community, the altruism, sense of inclusion, education. All of these were put on poster paper that was stuck to the wall for the entire day. When it came to me I said "I am really inspired how every year I look around and see the efforts people put into their hot underwear." Hot Underwear was put on the list. Every time a speaker came in they all made a comment about the Hot Underwear, to which everyone pointed to me!
In another activity we listed the things we feel are needed for good customer service. I read off the answers in my group which included the last one which I included - "Sexy voice." The leadership directors asked me about my sexy voice and for the rest of the day everyone asked about my sexy voice!
There was a lot of information and of the 18 participants, I caused laughter throughout the day even when I didn't say or do anything. I had a couple of people show off their hot underwear.
At the end of the training we all went around and said something we learned and something we would take with us. Each person held on to a piece of yarn from a ball and then threw the yarn to the next person. I heard one memory after another. I just didn't feel like I had anything that I really felt so wonderful about. There were some really good techniques I picked up but I couldn't think of anything specific. I was second to last picked. When I was thrown the ball of yarn I understood what I took from this experience. I looked at everyone and basically said that after thinking about the entire day it was really a great opportunity to have all these people come speak who were all part of the GLBT community. It was a great opportunity and resource to have for us. It also was great because I felt that the activities and everything we didn't wasn't just about being gay or part of the GLBT community. It made me feel like everything we did was completely normal. This included every speaker talking about their partners (spouses for those that are part of the many in California that did manage to get a wedding license) to jokes about having "gay" disabilities. For once I didn't feel like being gay meant being abnormal.
Day 38: Concentration?
I went to my therapist and talked about my lack of concentration. I feel like I am emotionally drained at work and in life and that it's really reflecting in my work.
I talked about the possibility to take medication to help level things out for a while until I can feel like I have a grasp on organization.
I am giving myself two weeks. I am putting more focus on the cataloging of my projects and activities instead of rushing off to get them done.
My next challenge is to spend the next couple of weeks getting my house, work and everything back online. Of course it's normal for people to lose track when faced with news of a disease. I don't feel like that that is a good enough excuse. I also think that I have been over saturated with information. I am going to plateau with information for a while and try to center myself.
I talked about the possibility to take medication to help level things out for a while until I can feel like I have a grasp on organization.
I am giving myself two weeks. I am putting more focus on the cataloging of my projects and activities instead of rushing off to get them done.
My next challenge is to spend the next couple of weeks getting my house, work and everything back online. Of course it's normal for people to lose track when faced with news of a disease. I don't feel like that that is a good enough excuse. I also think that I have been over saturated with information. I am going to plateau with information for a while and try to center myself.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Day 37: Old and Gay
Have you ever wondered what happens when a trannie gets old? Ever thought about what aging lesbians and gays go through? Now that people aren't dying from HIV and AIDS what do we do with them?
I was excited to read that the Department of Health and Human Services is establishing a center to distribute grant money to aid the aging homosexual population. It's not much but it's a start.
It's not until recently that the idea of caring for elderly GLBTHOMO's has been dealt with. Why? Probably because there were no old homosexuals before stonewall. Sort of like there were no Indians in North America until Columbus came.
Elderly Mos are continually discriminated against. Nursing homes have a lack of knowledge and understanding on how to deal with mos. Further more, nursing home populations tend to discriminate and harass those that choose to out themselves.
It seems very sad that the people that started the fight for gay rights and happiness are still fighting to their last days.
HRC on Aging
I was excited to read that the Department of Health and Human Services is establishing a center to distribute grant money to aid the aging homosexual population. It's not much but it's a start.
It's not until recently that the idea of caring for elderly GLBTHOMO's has been dealt with. Why? Probably because there were no old homosexuals before stonewall. Sort of like there were no Indians in North America until Columbus came.
Elderly Mos are continually discriminated against. Nursing homes have a lack of knowledge and understanding on how to deal with mos. Further more, nursing home populations tend to discriminate and harass those that choose to out themselves.
It seems very sad that the people that started the fight for gay rights and happiness are still fighting to their last days.
HRC on Aging
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Day 36: Butterflies & Oprah
There are 20 butterflies in my stomach playing roller derby. Next they are going to play rugby and then finish the day off with wrestling and Ultimate Fighting.
I am nervous about telling my parents. I don't know how I will do it or when. It's not that I am scared to tell them, it's just that I, well let's talk about Oprah.
Last night I came home and decided to eat dinner and watch Oprah. BAD Idea! I haven't watched Oprah for months. I usually watch the first 2 seconds and if it's about some wife abuse or depressing situation that doesn't really concern me, then I turn it off. If it's about making over your room - I am there!
Yesterday's episode of Oprah involved a few women. All of them were out of marriages and all of them were dating the same guy roughly around the same time, without knowing of each other. Yeah I know women who trust a stupid guy. Well it gets juicier. The guy had HIV and infected countless women. He was sentenced to prison and these group of women on Oprah have been searching the countless women that may not know they are infected.
For most of the episode Oprah discussed the guy. For brief moments we caught glimpses into the lives of these women who are living with HIV. I looked at these women who have told their families and are so crushed by that "One stupid mistake."
I told my sister about this and she burst into tears, as did I.
The profiling of this disease has increased to housewives, the African-American community and retirement communities. Yes - old people are contracting HIV and not realizing it. Once it enters into a small communities, it spreads through the loins.
I don't feel anxious to tell my parents, I just know it's going to be a challenge that will take a lot of energy.
I hope I don't barf. (pause) Too late!!
I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to know what happens after HIV for these women. One of the women has been dating a negative man for a while and Oprah asked if you could kiss him. WHAT?! Oprah! NO! I wrote into Oprah and said will you please do a show about how it is possible for an HIV neg and HIV positive person to have a healthy relationship in and out of the bedroom? If Oprah doesn't know about the boundaries, I wonder how many other people are not informed? I was.
I am nervous about telling my parents. I don't know how I will do it or when. It's not that I am scared to tell them, it's just that I, well let's talk about Oprah.
Last night I came home and decided to eat dinner and watch Oprah. BAD Idea! I haven't watched Oprah for months. I usually watch the first 2 seconds and if it's about some wife abuse or depressing situation that doesn't really concern me, then I turn it off. If it's about making over your room - I am there!
Yesterday's episode of Oprah involved a few women. All of them were out of marriages and all of them were dating the same guy roughly around the same time, without knowing of each other. Yeah I know women who trust a stupid guy. Well it gets juicier. The guy had HIV and infected countless women. He was sentenced to prison and these group of women on Oprah have been searching the countless women that may not know they are infected.
For most of the episode Oprah discussed the guy. For brief moments we caught glimpses into the lives of these women who are living with HIV. I looked at these women who have told their families and are so crushed by that "One stupid mistake."
I told my sister about this and she burst into tears, as did I.
The profiling of this disease has increased to housewives, the African-American community and retirement communities. Yes - old people are contracting HIV and not realizing it. Once it enters into a small communities, it spreads through the loins.
I don't feel anxious to tell my parents, I just know it's going to be a challenge that will take a lot of energy.
I hope I don't barf. (pause) Too late!!
I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to know what happens after HIV for these women. One of the women has been dating a negative man for a while and Oprah asked if you could kiss him. WHAT?! Oprah! NO! I wrote into Oprah and said will you please do a show about how it is possible for an HIV neg and HIV positive person to have a healthy relationship in and out of the bedroom? If Oprah doesn't know about the boundaries, I wonder how many other people are not informed? I was.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Day 35: Traffic Windows
If you want a perfect example of life, try driving on the freeway.
You have a start and finish. There are places along the road that can be dense with cars. Some places can have little or no traffic. The way people drive can vary, depending on their spacial abilities and tasks at hand. Stress and highway hypnosis can bend the travel time duration. When lost in thought 100 miles can feel like 10.
You have a watchful eye for stupid people. You check for policia. You monitor the cars in front of you as well as the activity that is ahead. You constantly look back to make sure things are ok.
Watching traffic, you can determine when windows of opportunity will happen. As unpredictable as drivers are, at some point there seems to be gaps that form. Either you take that window and merge or you stay put.
Sometimes these windows open up, and for the most part lead you to a better route. Sometimes you wait and find the window was just a dead end. You have to be patient and observant to know if the traffic window is the right choice. You also have to be ready to jump into the opportunity and take advantage or else you might be left behind.
Some people arrive at their destination early. Some later than expected. Some barely leave the house while some never make it.
There are accidents, citations, car troubles, rain, lightning, wind and many other disturbances that can unexpectedly get in the way. You keep going. Sometimes you pull over and rest. Sometimes you say "Fuck you tornado, we're staying put" or "damn you fog why do you have to be so thick and moist!"
Some people drive drunk, others drive on medication. Some keep pushing through even though they are sick. Others have clear heads but lack specific driving skills.
The risk of death is high when driving but yet you still partake in the activity. Why? Because you get a thrill. A rush from driving. A chance to feel in control when really you are barely able to hold on.
You have a start and finish. There are places along the road that can be dense with cars. Some places can have little or no traffic. The way people drive can vary, depending on their spacial abilities and tasks at hand. Stress and highway hypnosis can bend the travel time duration. When lost in thought 100 miles can feel like 10.
You have a watchful eye for stupid people. You check for policia. You monitor the cars in front of you as well as the activity that is ahead. You constantly look back to make sure things are ok.
Watching traffic, you can determine when windows of opportunity will happen. As unpredictable as drivers are, at some point there seems to be gaps that form. Either you take that window and merge or you stay put.
Sometimes these windows open up, and for the most part lead you to a better route. Sometimes you wait and find the window was just a dead end. You have to be patient and observant to know if the traffic window is the right choice. You also have to be ready to jump into the opportunity and take advantage or else you might be left behind.
Some people arrive at their destination early. Some later than expected. Some barely leave the house while some never make it.
There are accidents, citations, car troubles, rain, lightning, wind and many other disturbances that can unexpectedly get in the way. You keep going. Sometimes you pull over and rest. Sometimes you say "Fuck you tornado, we're staying put" or "damn you fog why do you have to be so thick and moist!"
Some people drive drunk, others drive on medication. Some keep pushing through even though they are sick. Others have clear heads but lack specific driving skills.
The risk of death is high when driving but yet you still partake in the activity. Why? Because you get a thrill. A rush from driving. A chance to feel in control when really you are barely able to hold on.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Day 34: The Day My Pal Goes Home
Morning: It is morning. I kissed the Pal and left him in bed. I showered alone. I made breakfast alone. I gathered my things. He came downstairs and gave me a kiss goodbye. I went to work.
Late Morning: I am at work. Things are busy. I worry that the Pal isn't entertained or is bored or feels neglected. I text him to make sure things are ok.
Early Afternoon: It's lunchtime. My Pal walked around the HC and had a bite to eat. I have been feeding the body food and water in hopes that I don't succumb to a headache or attitude because of lack of nutrition.
End of Work Day: I have been working so hard all day that I preoccupied my mind. I stopped thinking about everything except for the task at hand. I think the supplements have been helpful with this. I notice my headaches aren't as frequent. I am leaving work at 3:40 and get to spend an extra hour with the Pal. I sent him a text saying I know I failed at a few things and I want to know what he wants before he leaves.
Home: We hugged. We kissed. We ate nachos and had two margaritas each!
Evening Flight: I took the round-about way to the airport. We drove through Banker's Hill and saw a panoramic view of the bay. We paused the car in the middle of the street as a plant flew over us. I took him around the bay and used my amazing skills to find a curb side opening among the cluster--fuck of cars. I turned to him and for the first time I had an "airport" kiss. I had one of those kisses where someone was leaving on a jet plane. I smiled. He got out of the car. The elderly couple standing on the curb kept staring at me. I smiled and drove off. As I left I thought about our weekend.
Our weekend was filled with watching movies and cuddling, going out for hockey games, frozen yogurt, a bar. We took a dog for a walk, bought bread, made breakfast. We curled up to South Park and Family Guy. We made a poor man's lunch scraping from the miscellaneous scraps from around the house. We tickled and wrestled. We laughed a lot. We slept in too late, got up too early, stayed out past our bedtime and curled to a movie falling asleep half naked in the living room. We pondered all weekend how to pay back our friend that made this weekend possible. In fact we've thought a lot about it, coming up with every devious idea that would make him grin.
I drove home. I thought about how wonderful it was. I also thought about how at ease I felt. I remember watching family guy last night and hearing someone get AIDS again. As I drove away I thought about that. I thought "I have HIV. I am just a guy who can get it like the rest. I am no different from anyone else. I'm still that guy who can have a fun adorable weekend. I am still that guy that wants to be loved and return it with a heartfelt way. Sex might be a little more detailed but shouldn't it be anyways?"
As I drove home I realized HIV doesn't have to complicate relationships as much as you think. I don't have to feel that loneliness. I don't have to fear. I don't have to feel that drop in my stomach every time someone mentions HIV on TV, in a movie, in casual conversation. Each time I see a Mama's Kitchen poster, job working for the HIV Clinic or any other association with HIV I don't have to feel like scum because that's just the little voice on the left side lingering. It's just a voice in my head making me feel bad. Nothing more. I can't let that voice feed me guilt and frustration. I can't let it make me feel bad.
I deserve to still have a life. I deserve to be with anyone who says I am a wonderful individual and accepts me for all parts. I deserve to live a happy life. I deserve to treat myself well and accept the pain and pleasure. I deserve to be.
Bedtime
Late Morning: I am at work. Things are busy. I worry that the Pal isn't entertained or is bored or feels neglected. I text him to make sure things are ok.
Early Afternoon: It's lunchtime. My Pal walked around the HC and had a bite to eat. I have been feeding the body food and water in hopes that I don't succumb to a headache or attitude because of lack of nutrition.
End of Work Day: I have been working so hard all day that I preoccupied my mind. I stopped thinking about everything except for the task at hand. I think the supplements have been helpful with this. I notice my headaches aren't as frequent. I am leaving work at 3:40 and get to spend an extra hour with the Pal. I sent him a text saying I know I failed at a few things and I want to know what he wants before he leaves.
Home: We hugged. We kissed. We ate nachos and had two margaritas each!
Evening Flight: I took the round-about way to the airport. We drove through Banker's Hill and saw a panoramic view of the bay. We paused the car in the middle of the street as a plant flew over us. I took him around the bay and used my amazing skills to find a curb side opening among the cluster--fuck of cars. I turned to him and for the first time I had an "airport" kiss. I had one of those kisses where someone was leaving on a jet plane. I smiled. He got out of the car. The elderly couple standing on the curb kept staring at me. I smiled and drove off. As I left I thought about our weekend.
Our weekend was filled with watching movies and cuddling, going out for hockey games, frozen yogurt, a bar. We took a dog for a walk, bought bread, made breakfast. We curled up to South Park and Family Guy. We made a poor man's lunch scraping from the miscellaneous scraps from around the house. We tickled and wrestled. We laughed a lot. We slept in too late, got up too early, stayed out past our bedtime and curled to a movie falling asleep half naked in the living room. We pondered all weekend how to pay back our friend that made this weekend possible. In fact we've thought a lot about it, coming up with every devious idea that would make him grin.
I drove home. I thought about how wonderful it was. I also thought about how at ease I felt. I remember watching family guy last night and hearing someone get AIDS again. As I drove away I thought about that. I thought "I have HIV. I am just a guy who can get it like the rest. I am no different from anyone else. I'm still that guy who can have a fun adorable weekend. I am still that guy that wants to be loved and return it with a heartfelt way. Sex might be a little more detailed but shouldn't it be anyways?"
As I drove home I realized HIV doesn't have to complicate relationships as much as you think. I don't have to feel that loneliness. I don't have to fear. I don't have to feel that drop in my stomach every time someone mentions HIV on TV, in a movie, in casual conversation. Each time I see a Mama's Kitchen poster, job working for the HIV Clinic or any other association with HIV I don't have to feel like scum because that's just the little voice on the left side lingering. It's just a voice in my head making me feel bad. Nothing more. I can't let that voice feed me guilt and frustration. I can't let it make me feel bad.
I deserve to still have a life. I deserve to be with anyone who says I am a wonderful individual and accepts me for all parts. I deserve to live a happy life. I deserve to treat myself well and accept the pain and pleasure. I deserve to be.
Bedtime
Day 33: Is It Age, Fear or Healing?
Every night since the Pal has been here I have promised sex. I have gotten aroused and excited and every night I get sleepy. It's not just sleepy, many times I just want to be with him. We've had sex a couple of times - once each morning. It's not as frequent as the last time he was down or I was up there. I wonder why my libido is so low. Why am I not putting out? Why am I so tired?
I keep asking myself am I scared? Am I getting old and tired? I'm not that different from when he visited me last time. Granted I have this emotional cloud over me that I am trying to clear up.
I wonder if maybe I just need a simple touch. Maybe I just need an intimate hug. I think about sex but I am not needing it as much. Why?
Why? It's the question I have been asking myself all weekend. Why haven't we done it multiple times a day? Why haven't we been in the shower and bedroom and living room and beach and park making out, and doing it. Why do I turn around and see his hard penis and think "cool" and then think question if I want sex? Should it even be a question?
I know many guys that stop having sex after they find out. There is a fear. There is a mode of insecurity. There is the fear of loving again or feeling worthy to be loved.
I am worrying to much and it's hard not to.
I worry that my low libido is making it hard for him. I should take it back, my libido isn't so much lowered, it's the way to please the body that has changed.
He spent a good 30 minutes massaging my knees and feet. All I could think about was what this was doing to my body. I thought about the chemicals released to aid my body. Each touch brought a sense of comfort and content to my soul. All clothes were on yet the simple touch to me seemed greater than the work up to an orgasm.
I need touch. I feel selfish. I owe him a massage. I fell asleep again last night.
I woke up about 2am. I watched him sleeping. He seemed content. I wanted to wake him up in a ravenous state of passion but I declined because the peace in that moment seemed so gratifying. I watched him a little more.
I pulled him into me, like a little spoon. I held him. I fell back asleep with him in my arms.
I fear the lack of sex might hinder things. Maybe time will pep it back up. I fear that my crazy libido is gone. I think about that. It's not gone. It's curled up taking a nap. My libido needs rest. My libido needs happy dreams. And when it wakes up it will be in a happy healthier state. Ready to feel the carnal cravings along side the intimate love and caress it so longs for.
I keep asking myself am I scared? Am I getting old and tired? I'm not that different from when he visited me last time. Granted I have this emotional cloud over me that I am trying to clear up.
I wonder if maybe I just need a simple touch. Maybe I just need an intimate hug. I think about sex but I am not needing it as much. Why?
Why? It's the question I have been asking myself all weekend. Why haven't we done it multiple times a day? Why haven't we been in the shower and bedroom and living room and beach and park making out, and doing it. Why do I turn around and see his hard penis and think "cool" and then think question if I want sex? Should it even be a question?
I know many guys that stop having sex after they find out. There is a fear. There is a mode of insecurity. There is the fear of loving again or feeling worthy to be loved.
I am worrying to much and it's hard not to.
I worry that my low libido is making it hard for him. I should take it back, my libido isn't so much lowered, it's the way to please the body that has changed.
He spent a good 30 minutes massaging my knees and feet. All I could think about was what this was doing to my body. I thought about the chemicals released to aid my body. Each touch brought a sense of comfort and content to my soul. All clothes were on yet the simple touch to me seemed greater than the work up to an orgasm.
I need touch. I feel selfish. I owe him a massage. I fell asleep again last night.
I woke up about 2am. I watched him sleeping. He seemed content. I wanted to wake him up in a ravenous state of passion but I declined because the peace in that moment seemed so gratifying. I watched him a little more.
I pulled him into me, like a little spoon. I held him. I fell back asleep with him in my arms.
I fear the lack of sex might hinder things. Maybe time will pep it back up. I fear that my crazy libido is gone. I think about that. It's not gone. It's curled up taking a nap. My libido needs rest. My libido needs happy dreams. And when it wakes up it will be in a happy healthier state. Ready to feel the carnal cravings along side the intimate love and caress it so longs for.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Day 32: Week In A Daze
This week has gone by and I am completely in awe of how it went. I felt like it was a "Bad" week. I guess it was with all the refocusing at work and home, mishearing my appointment, having little details fucked up . . .
I realized at the end of the week I found myself grumpy, turned off, pretty much a jackass. I would spurt out sarcastic comments to my roommate, I just didn't like this week so I passed the week onto others.
My Pal ended up coming. He's here. Sitting next to me. We are watching Clarence, the wonder dog, sniff everywhere. He's heading upstairs. I am sure he is sniffing out the smells of love making.
Last night I went out. I went to a bar and then I went to a UCSD Hockey game. It was my first hockey game I have gone to. Since they don't start till after 10pm I never had the energy to drive up there and go. Well last night I decided to just go and do. I went. I took the Pal. We went with Stef. I played, I cursed, I had a little to drink. Not much but just enough to be happy with the moment.
When my Pal flew in Thursday night I was still a little scared. I think about it once in a while, of course at the key and sarcastic comments. No you can't kiss me I have HIV. No you can't do a cute underwear dance I have HIV. Stop, don't drink from the same drink I have HIV.
My week and month has been such a daze. My biggest fear is that I forget to do something important. I forget to say something. I forget to remember anything.
I've been in such an off mode and I recognize it. I just want to figure out how to curb it. Park it. Remember me. Remember my people around me.
My Pal came because I recognize I have been in such an off mood and he can help kick my ass back into shape. He's been a component along with the rest of my friends. Each one of my friends is like a different shape. Each shape can be put together in a different pattern to make a bigger picture.
It's like tangrams. Some of my friends are square, some are triangles and some are trapezoids. Some are circles and only fit into specific pictures.
Trying to figure out what mood, what state of mind, what picture I am today requires a little patience and cheering up from several friends.
Maybe the Pal is the trapezoid I was missing, or perhaps he's a circle that I needed to feel how I am today. I get moments of happiness. I get random states where I am cheered up. I wouldn't say I am down, nor would I say the motivation is lost, it just feels like it's taking time to jump start. Everyone gives me kicks in the butt.
This weekend I got another one. Lucky for me it's been combined with several friends. Each one helping to further me along.
Today I had sex.
It was scary.
I won't lie, I was nervous before and during. I didn't know how to approach it. I feel more comfortable. I don't fear HIV transmission like I did before, at least now that I know the rules and regulations.
The emotional pain of trying to get yourself centered is far worse than any disease. If you can work on your inner strength, then what ever problem that crosses your path with have no other choice but to take a number, have a seat and wait it's turn to be dealt with.
"Now serving A32. Now serving A32"
I realized at the end of the week I found myself grumpy, turned off, pretty much a jackass. I would spurt out sarcastic comments to my roommate, I just didn't like this week so I passed the week onto others.
My Pal ended up coming. He's here. Sitting next to me. We are watching Clarence, the wonder dog, sniff everywhere. He's heading upstairs. I am sure he is sniffing out the smells of love making.
Last night I went out. I went to a bar and then I went to a UCSD Hockey game. It was my first hockey game I have gone to. Since they don't start till after 10pm I never had the energy to drive up there and go. Well last night I decided to just go and do. I went. I took the Pal. We went with Stef. I played, I cursed, I had a little to drink. Not much but just enough to be happy with the moment.
When my Pal flew in Thursday night I was still a little scared. I think about it once in a while, of course at the key and sarcastic comments. No you can't kiss me I have HIV. No you can't do a cute underwear dance I have HIV. Stop, don't drink from the same drink I have HIV.
My week and month has been such a daze. My biggest fear is that I forget to do something important. I forget to say something. I forget to remember anything.
I've been in such an off mode and I recognize it. I just want to figure out how to curb it. Park it. Remember me. Remember my people around me.
My Pal came because I recognize I have been in such an off mood and he can help kick my ass back into shape. He's been a component along with the rest of my friends. Each one of my friends is like a different shape. Each shape can be put together in a different pattern to make a bigger picture.
It's like tangrams. Some of my friends are square, some are triangles and some are trapezoids. Some are circles and only fit into specific pictures.
Trying to figure out what mood, what state of mind, what picture I am today requires a little patience and cheering up from several friends.
Maybe the Pal is the trapezoid I was missing, or perhaps he's a circle that I needed to feel how I am today. I get moments of happiness. I get random states where I am cheered up. I wouldn't say I am down, nor would I say the motivation is lost, it just feels like it's taking time to jump start. Everyone gives me kicks in the butt.
This weekend I got another one. Lucky for me it's been combined with several friends. Each one helping to further me along.
Today I had sex.
It was scary.
I won't lie, I was nervous before and during. I didn't know how to approach it. I feel more comfortable. I don't fear HIV transmission like I did before, at least now that I know the rules and regulations.
The emotional pain of trying to get yourself centered is far worse than any disease. If you can work on your inner strength, then what ever problem that crosses your path with have no other choice but to take a number, have a seat and wait it's turn to be dealt with.
"Now serving A32. Now serving A32"
Day 31: Binge This!
My therapist gave me advise I thought was catered to me!
When my sister and I were together my sister said she was worried about my binge drinking.
I remember in college I had a bottle of everclear in my bar and my sister told my mom I was an alcoholic. I laughed and questioned that.
I've only drank by myself three times. Once I got totally plastered and the other two were a half a glass of wine.
I am a social person. I like social cleaning, social activities and social drinking. I don't like it when there is no one there to see what foolish things you do. Who will remember, and who will say "I remember when you were drunk and kissed that . . . "
I have a bar, wine rack, beer fridge. I never use it by myself. Sometimes I don't even use it with other people. I had fun in college. I found my great moments using a bottle of booze. Even as I get older I sometimes prefer to not drink.
I love being drunk. The spinning feeling, everyone so silly, the wit rolls of my tongue. I can play pool and do a headstand. I have a better performance with piano and find myself comfortable. Is it the alcohol? Only in part. I'd say the alcohol is about 31% of the experience while my friends are the rest of that percentage. (Roughly 69% in case you didn't do the math!)
With that said, drinking isn't always fun. When you are with a bunch of boring antisocial business persons, when you barely know people and they seem crazy when drunk, when you have friends that can't talk about anything but all other 5 times this week they were drunk, I want to look at these people and say why am I wasting my alcohol time on you? Yes alcohol time.
Alcohol time is the time you spend drinking. I think there is a balance of alcohol time per month. If you exceed it then you are really cool or an alcoholic who is self-conscious, can't control your intake (and outtake) and should get great health insurance so the hospital visits aren't so expensive. If you don't use it up then you are a prude, Mormon, AA member or are really cool and training for a race (but still find ways to appreciate a sip). There are that don't drink for medical reasons or by choice. I don't really see anything wrong with that as long as they can be fun, entertaining and slam their friends down with wit and sarcasm.
So back to me.
I am at my therapy session and I tell my therapist that I was in a marching band, I have all this booze at my house but never use it. I drink with friends and if I binge drink it's because we started early in the day, we have meals, we drink water, we have dd's, we have support, friends and a way to be healthy. Sure it's more than three drinks, but in a half of a day time span! Sure it happens on occasion, but not every week from Thursday - Sunday like every good gay man.
My therapist told me that "alcohol does lower your immune system and you could catch a cold. Alcohol can promote depression. Alcohol can be bad. BUT. Don't sacrifice your health for happiness. Meaning, if you are going to get together and have a weekend of eating, drinking, and being happy. If you want to drink then drink. Don't feel you need to stop completely so that you drop a level of happiness. As long as you are taking care of yourself, being responsible, exercising, eating right, and making sure your all around health is good then do it."
Did she just tell me to binge drink? I think she did!
We all have some unhealthy habit or obsession. We indulge in something. Treat yourself well and it's alright to do it in moderation. Break moderation and indulge yourself and two things happen. We lose sight of our own health and we no longer enjoy the activity for reasons of happiness.
With that I have chosen to binge drink on my birthday, birthday's of friends, every band occasion, weddings, funerals, brisks, regular working hours, concerts, rehearsals, performances, bathroom time, doctor's appointments, exercise, movies, restaurants and sleep I will try to limit drinking during teeth brushing although I will use a mouthwash high in alcohol content.
When my sister and I were together my sister said she was worried about my binge drinking.
I remember in college I had a bottle of everclear in my bar and my sister told my mom I was an alcoholic. I laughed and questioned that.
I've only drank by myself three times. Once I got totally plastered and the other two were a half a glass of wine.
I am a social person. I like social cleaning, social activities and social drinking. I don't like it when there is no one there to see what foolish things you do. Who will remember, and who will say "I remember when you were drunk and kissed that . . . "
I have a bar, wine rack, beer fridge. I never use it by myself. Sometimes I don't even use it with other people. I had fun in college. I found my great moments using a bottle of booze. Even as I get older I sometimes prefer to not drink.
I love being drunk. The spinning feeling, everyone so silly, the wit rolls of my tongue. I can play pool and do a headstand. I have a better performance with piano and find myself comfortable. Is it the alcohol? Only in part. I'd say the alcohol is about 31% of the experience while my friends are the rest of that percentage. (Roughly 69% in case you didn't do the math!)
With that said, drinking isn't always fun. When you are with a bunch of boring antisocial business persons, when you barely know people and they seem crazy when drunk, when you have friends that can't talk about anything but all other 5 times this week they were drunk, I want to look at these people and say why am I wasting my alcohol time on you? Yes alcohol time.
Alcohol time is the time you spend drinking. I think there is a balance of alcohol time per month. If you exceed it then you are really cool or an alcoholic who is self-conscious, can't control your intake (and outtake) and should get great health insurance so the hospital visits aren't so expensive. If you don't use it up then you are a prude, Mormon, AA member or are really cool and training for a race (but still find ways to appreciate a sip). There are that don't drink for medical reasons or by choice. I don't really see anything wrong with that as long as they can be fun, entertaining and slam their friends down with wit and sarcasm.
So back to me.
I am at my therapy session and I tell my therapist that I was in a marching band, I have all this booze at my house but never use it. I drink with friends and if I binge drink it's because we started early in the day, we have meals, we drink water, we have dd's, we have support, friends and a way to be healthy. Sure it's more than three drinks, but in a half of a day time span! Sure it happens on occasion, but not every week from Thursday - Sunday like every good gay man.
My therapist told me that "alcohol does lower your immune system and you could catch a cold. Alcohol can promote depression. Alcohol can be bad. BUT. Don't sacrifice your health for happiness. Meaning, if you are going to get together and have a weekend of eating, drinking, and being happy. If you want to drink then drink. Don't feel you need to stop completely so that you drop a level of happiness. As long as you are taking care of yourself, being responsible, exercising, eating right, and making sure your all around health is good then do it."
Did she just tell me to binge drink? I think she did!
We all have some unhealthy habit or obsession. We indulge in something. Treat yourself well and it's alright to do it in moderation. Break moderation and indulge yourself and two things happen. We lose sight of our own health and we no longer enjoy the activity for reasons of happiness.
With that I have chosen to binge drink on my birthday, birthday's of friends, every band occasion, weddings, funerals, brisks, regular working hours, concerts, rehearsals, performances, bathroom time, doctor's appointments, exercise, movies, restaurants and sleep I will try to limit drinking during teeth brushing although I will use a mouthwash high in alcohol content.
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